Fingerprints
by Superis
Summary: You have to learn how to pronounce the word 'love.'
1. Confidante

_Fingerprints_.

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except my thoughts.  
**Summary: **You have to learn how to pronounce the word 'love.' (It's an AU, kiddos.)  
**Pairing(s): **Sora and Kairi; Cloud and Aerith; Roxas and Namine; others.  
**Rated for:** Language, mainly. (... Among other indecencies.)  
**Word to the wise:** This fic is supposed to be _purely_ for amusement's sake.  
It is rated as 'mature' for a reason, so please _grow up_. Love it or shove it, children.

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_? am, Friday, bedroom._

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You know what I hate?

I hate alarm clocks. They have gotta be the most annoying thing in the whole damn world. Firstly, they sound awful. I mean, you can set them to some amazing, beautiful sound (perhaps the best sound in the world to you — sex, maybe? I mean, that's my choice — who doesn't like sex?) and when you hear that very, very erotic sound rousing you from your slumber, you don't care _how_ hot it is. You just wanna kick its ass. Secondly, you need the freaking things. How else do you get to class? It's not like your body _wants_ to get up. The useless thing is just whining for more sleep the whole time you're shoveling Captain Crunch into your mouth. Or Lucky Charms.

(I'd choose Lucky Charms. If only they had more marshmallows. They're such misers.)

That is why, ladies and gentlemen, you cannot blame me for flinging my alarm clock across my room this morning. Yeah, yeah, so I do it every morning. It's not like it's dying, 'kay? Stupid thing still blares like some sort of cow. Or fire engine. A cow-shaped fire engine. Hey! That'd be awesome! I'd totally become some kinda pyromaniac just so a cow-shaped fire engine could put out my fires! I'd—

Oh. Right, sorry. I was getting up now, I remember.

"Oh, shit! It's 8!"

So, hey. I'm Sora. I'm just your regular kinda teenager, going to your regular kinda school. Not only that — I'm a senior, baby. Yeah, you read that right. _Senior_. This is the only time in my life where I can say I am proud to be a senior, because I will not be:

1. Old.

2. Wrinkly.

3. Unable to have sex.

(If you're old and you can still get some — kudos to you. All I know is that every time I visit my gramps, he just goes on and on about how he doesn't get to "hit that thang." And I kid you not, he said those very words. With the "thang" and all.)

Wait, wait, wait. I keep getting sidetracked by seniority and intercourse. I have no idea why the old thing comes up sometimes, but sex is a permanent part of my brain. So you're gonna have to suck it up or get the hell out.

(Oh yeah, that's what _she_ said!)

I'm late 90% of my life. The other 10%? Let's just say I'm only early by _mistake_, then. And I don't want to discuss those mistakes, because they make me want to hang myself from a palm tree.

Yeah, that'd show all these freakishly happy people living on this damn island. You should see them. They're the personification of the emote ":D" that people use on stuff like AIM and MSN. It's not because they're happy, so don't worry. It's because we have some insane doctor around, prescribing some kinda drug. I'm making an effort not to get sick. Luckily, I'm a pretty strong guy. I can kick any viruses ass, anytime. Bitches.

Oh, damn. You missed my morning routine, because you were busy listening to my internal rambling. What the hell is wrong with you? Can't multitask? ADHD? Jeez, you're such a pansy, grow up. I can do at least sixteen things at once! I can—

Oh. My. God.

What is that _heavenly_ smell?

Oh snap. I know it, I know it. Like something sweet, but slightly sour. Oh yes, baby, strawberries. Those lips. That hair. Strawberries.

Whoa, she's smiling at me? Well, shucks, I mean, I know I'm pretty fly (FOR A WHITE GUY! Yes, I just pwned that song, babes, you saw it!), but, c'mon... I mean, of course she is smiling at me! Look at these locks, these eyes, I am solid A-material—

"Hey, Sora."

It takes two words, every single morning, just as she sits next to me in homeroom, to render me speechless. I think she's kinda into the whole 'brooding-and-sullen-guy' thing, because she still greets me every morning. And sometimes brushes against me, like a soft, strawberry-scented wind. With velvet skin, and large, hypnotizing eyes, filled with an iridescent, blue liquid.

Oh, Jesus. What the frock am I thinking? I'd better stop. If Riku sees me with this look on my face, I'm probably done for. Again.

I glance over at him, and he raises his eyebrows at me. He's pretty popular with the girls, Riku. They also think he's a the 'brooding' type. They're sadly mistaken. Guy's insane. Sure, when he first meets some girl, he's all solemn and quiet, and girls are sort of... sucked into this air bubble he has around him. Then, about an hour later, they're all wasted and going at it. He's a machine. A brilliant, evil machine.

"Class, we'd better get most of this out of the way. So, do me a favor and shut your damn face holes for the next fifteen minutes, alright, you yokels?"

Our homeroom teacher is Cid. No, we don't call him 'Mr. Anything.' (I say 'anything' because he refuses to give us a surname... and I think, that if were a character in some sort of video game, his creators would not have given him one, anyway, inconveniencing the people that may want to write fanfictions about him, and resulting in long, pointless gibberish like this. Pff, honestly.)

He's some guy in his thirties (so he says), that has the foulest mouth known to mankind. It's fantastic.

Unfortunately, some pussy complained to our headmistress, Ms. Lockhart (shazam! Who _wouldn't_ tap that?), and now his colorful words have been buried away until after three. It's a damn shame. He's given some leeway, though. He can still say stuff like 'ass' and whatnot.

Oh, crap, I should be listening. Stop distracting me! Introductory chapters are difficult.

"You idiots got that?" He chews on a piece of nicotine gum furiously, as he stares us down with those eagle eyes, bloodshot and glaring. Guy's got serious issues. "The freaking festival starts in three weeks, after those fu—" Composure moment. "I mean, _fun_ freshmen are sorted out. After that, we prepare for those stupid tests, then a class trip, then some boring-ass excursions in whatever the hell classes you take and, fi-freaking-nally, finals. After that, you chumps are outta here."

The entire class lets out a loud whoop of excitement, and I turn to grin at Riku. He gives me the thumbs up and waves his phone around.

I know what _that_ means.

Aw, shit. I hate when he waves his phone around. Means he has got some group of chicks awaiting his arrival and I've gotta cover. (I really don't know why we bother anymore. All the students and teachers know. Hell, even the janitors know! Having found him on several occasions — with several different girls — in their broom closets.)

I sigh.

At the same time, I breathe in the wonderful, dizzying smell of strawberries. I almost forgot she was next to me.

Oh good God, how can I forget? I can _never_ forget.

Kairi. Possibly the hottest - I mean, most beautiful - girl you will ever see. It's not her chest we're ogling at (cough — _Lockhart!_ — cough), or her shapely rear. It's just every damn thing. She's perfect. I don't wanna describe her as some kinda, I dunno, porcelain doll or something, 'cos, and let's face it, they're fucking scary. Have you seen the way they _look_ at you?

"Sora, get your ass up here!"

I would like to say I cooly sauntered up to Cid's desk and said something like, "What's hanging, Cid?"

But you can't lie in your head. Well, you can, but it doesn't turn out well, because there is this teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy voice in your head HOLLERING out the truth at the top of its miniscule lungs. Sounds like mice orgasming, or something. But we don't get the feeling, oh no. We just get the damn noise! I mean, who the hell likes to listen to their _roommate_ have sex? If you do, then you're a pervert, and I want you to go away immediately, because you disgust and scare me. Also, since you're a pervert, you probably have porn of some sort. So remember me when you die. I rule.

Getting back to reality, I scrambled over to his desk, and started handing out the timetables he barked at me to collect from the office. Man sounds like a pitbull. That smokes. And drinks. And will probably die at an early age because of his unhealthy habits and cholesterol-packed meals. (They're not made with love.)

I look down at my timetable, feeling a lot more comfortable next to my strawberry wind. Calculus first period. That doesn't bode well with me.

"Hey, Sora, what do you have first?"

I am careful not to look up at her before I answer. "Calculus."

"Great, me too!" She squeals.

Why do girls' voices get all high-pitched when they're happy (or scared)? If you think about it, maybe that is why villains are so 'evil.' They probably think the girls are screaming in joy, not in fear, so they go, "Let me continue this happiness!" Those poor, misguided souls. I still love you, Darth. Especially since the guy that played you also voiced Mufasa.

"Yeah," I say, intelligently.

"Do you want to... go to class together?"

On the surface: cool, detached, pausing to think this over.

On the inside: OMFG. SHE'S ASKING ME? OMG, OMG, OMG. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER? BUT HOW? HOW? SHE'S SO PRETTY, AND LOOK AT THOSE LIPS! I BET SHE USES STRAWBERRY LIPGLOSS. THAT'S WHY SHE SMELLS SO GOOD. OH GOD, WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I―

"Um, 'kay."

(Those weren't even words. We're just lucky that the youth of today are so linguistically challenged that this passes for agreement. I swear to God, I heard a bunch of girls conversing simply using 'ikr,' 'omg' and 'ily,' the other day. When one girl said an actual word — "ATM" — everyone gasped. I'm taking about the automated teller machine, fools, not 'at the moment.' Get a grip.)

"Great!" She gushed, biting her lip.

_Yes, baby, I'd like to bite your lips._

Whoa, we're lucky I didn't say that out loud! Imagine if I did. I bet those soft, velvety hands can slap, too (but it would feel oh-so good).

"Sora, I gotta scat."

"What? Where to?" I ask.

Riku smiles. "Where do you think?"

Kairi waves at him. "Hey, Riku!"

He nods at her. "Look, just cover, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah."

I watch him saunter out the classroom just as the bell rings. Casual and cool, like he's off to class, and then to become president. Wrong, kids. He's off to eat space cookies and get stoned with some girls. Yup. That's my best friend, Riku.

Oh, shit. I should probably be asking to carry her stuff. Ugh, why does it all have to be pink? Yeah, it looks damn fine on her. On me? I don't think so. I'm a boy, and boys go by the laws of gender stereotyping, anti-homosexuality and sex. Also, we oppose going to beauty salons unless we're going to it secretly with our girlfriends, but if, perchance, we see another guy there, we pretend it has not happened.

"Can I c-carry something for you, Kairi?"

Fuck. I didn't have to stu-stu-stutter. Way to go, asshole.

"Oh, thank you, Sora!"

I shrug, and take her files into my arms. I don't get why chicks bother to carry those minute bags about, in the first place. What do they fit in there? A thimble? Maybe two, if they're lucky.

"So, we haven't talked in a while," she says, twirling a lock of that delicious, ruby-red hair around a slender finger. Oh, how I love her milky skin. Mary, Mother of God, she would taste so mouthwatering. Like strawberries and cream, I tell you. With sugar. And _love_. "How was your summer?"

My summer? Oh, gee, I dunno. I spent most of it working, so I could get my own place, and move out. So, then, my parents decided to vacation in Hawaii since "Sora is no longer a homeboy" (I don't _know_ if they were trying to be gangster, so don't ask). Thus, I spent most of my summer alone, working and not getting laid. What about you?

"Was alright, I guess." I try to stifle a yawn. "Busy, really. What about you?"

Score for Sora, because I CAN talk in front of the World's Greatest Girl. You heard me, homeskillet. Dust yourself off, because you just got _served_.

"Oh... well, my parents divorced."

At this very moment, I saw tears begin to pool. They made her eyes sparkle. A lot like diamonds, really. No, sapphires! Big, sparkling sapphires. They looked gorgeous. Oh, god, she's hot. I know this is wrong, so I should _not_ be turned on right now.

"I'm really sorry."

She gives me a watery kind of smile. "It's okay, really. I'm fine."

She hiccups a little, then wipes away some of the moisture with the edges of her sleeves. Way to go, jerkwad, you don't even have a tissue or anything. I make a mental note, at this very moment, to buy some, because hankies just _sound_ gay. I can't even pat her on the back or hug her or anything, because I am carrying her flies. Jeez, way to go me! Offer to carry the files, then miss the opportunity to hug her! Body contact, man, _body_ _contact_!

She wipes a few more tears away, and then chuckles quietly. I like chuckles. And her. Duh. "Sorry, I must look like such a mess!"

What is she, mentally unstable? If anything, she looks even better (somehow). Those tears clinging to her eyelashes look like tiny crystals. She looks all... sparkly and fresh, like the first snowfall. You know when you get up in the morning, and after a whole night of you cursing the cold, you look out the window and see your street buried in snow. All the trees and rooftops look like they've been freshly dusted with icing, and all you want to do is make the first tracks in them, and get your sled? Yeah, she looks a lot like that.

(If that made sense.)

Whoa, you must be thinking I'm some kind of guy that only focuses on what's on the outside. Psh, you're totally wrong, kid. The outside only counts for 90%, alright? I'm still a gentleman!

Haha, I'm just yanking your chain. The reason Kairi talks to Riku and I is because we used to hang out a lot when we were kids. I have no idea what we did, I just remember Kairi pretending to be a Princess of something-or-the-other. I would always be the hero, with this giant, novelty key my mom bought from someplace acting as my sword (I wasn't allowed to have a _real_ sword) and Riku would waver in between good and evil, because he was indecisive and going through an "emo" stage.

I always thought it would make an awesome game, but Playstation rejected my idea. Faggots.

Anyway, after that, Riku and I went through a 'girls-have-cooties' stage, and Kairi went through a 'boys-have-something-worse-than-cooties' stage. From then on, for the next seven years, we all went our own separate ways.

(By that, I mean we split up based on our gender.)

Back to the point, Kairi, Riku and I established some semblance of trust a while back, and it still sticks to this day. Not so much for Riku and Kairi, I guess. I'm kinda like the glue that holds them together. Or, really, like they're two slices of bread, and I'm the cheese. (I prefer the second analogy.) I know exactly what they hate, what they love and all that jazz, that takes up space in my head where other things — like Algebra — could go. Seriously, if I could erase my hard drive, just like a computer, I'd have way more space and much better grades.

But I can't, so I just deal.

I've always had a crush on Kairi. And when I say always, I mean _always_.

Hey! 'Always' is a funny word! Look at it, have you noticed how we call someone 'Al,' right? Yet, in the word 'always' we pronounce the first two letters as 'all.' Mind blown! What crackpot, old fool came up with English, eh? They could at least spell things like they're said. Phonetics fail, much? Look at that! Since when does 'ph' read as an 'f'? This is madness!

Oh, sorry, my bad. What I _think_ you mean is:

'THIS IS SPARTA!'

(I am so fucking glad I don't say any of this shit out loud.)

"Nah, don't say that, you look great." I shift her folders in my hands. Girl must be pretty damn strong to cart these folders around all day. What is she filing, bricks?

She laughs. Ah, what a pleasant sound. Like a beautiful, enchanting symphony. If they sold her laugh as a song on iTunes, it would so be worth the $0.99 to $2.99 it would sell for. "You're sweet, Sora"

Oh yes, baby, I am. Smooth, as well.

We stop outside the class and pause for a moment. It has that feeling in the air. You know that feeling. The one that feels like 'you-should-say-something-in-relation-to-us-going-out-on-date.' I don't get how girls can give out feelings with so many words. The longest one I've gotten from Riku was the 'pass-the-remote' feeling. And it turned out that he wanted coke, not the remote (which we couldn't find, incidentally).

See, usually, I'd have picked up the feeling and responded within nanoseconds. Problem is, this is Kairi we're talking about. First crush, love, whatever? (Girls around should all nod knowingly at each other and make noises of agreement.) Yeah, well, I think I'm kinda nervous here. Not to ask her out, hell no. It's just that I... well, we have history. As _friends_.

Ah, what the fuck am I hesitating for? I'm about to score with one of the most beautiful girls ever. (I say 'one' of them because Cloud's girlfriend, Aerith, is just breathtaking, and I mean _breathtaking_. Girl could make an evil, insane warrior wielding a sword a hundred feet long turn his head.) But this girl, Kairi, she is the peanut butter to my jelly, and without each other: we're nothing. (Or just not as tasty and satisfying at 3 am, when there's nothing in the fridge and you're starving.)

So, I pull it off. Cool, nonchalant, blase. "Hey, you wanna get lunch?"

She claps her hands together and beams at me. "Oh yes, Sora, I'd love to! It's going to be great!"

DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT—

"I can tell you everything all over again!"

—A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I GOT A DATE WITH KAIRI, I—

"We'll be inseparable, Sora! It'll be just like old times, do you remember? Only we can talk about who we like and stuff!"

— ... I got... a date... with Kairi?

"It's going to be so great being best friends again, Sora!"

Wait, _what_?

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**A/N:** You guys need to tell me if you want to me to continue. (: If there's no response, then I have no inspiration. Tragedy!


	2. Collusion

_12.36 pm, Friday, Cafe._

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Um.

I think 'um' looks a bit like an animal. With the 'm' being the body, and the 'u' being the head. Doesn't it? I mean, how freaking weird! Just like how people use "Orz" and "OTL" as people bowing down (in shame, supposedly, but for all we know, they could be bowing down to an alien race and handing all the humans over.. except themselves, because those bitches are damn cowards). Isn't it weird when you see something as one thing at first, then all of a sudden, it becomes something other thing? Isn't it totally _fucking_ weird?

Whoa, okay, okay. Calm down, old boy, calm down. This is not as bad as it seems. You just need to keep smiling and nodding as she continues to natter on about that guy. Seifer, was it?

Pretty stupid name. Who the hell has a name like _Seifer_? Sounds like a brand of sherbet or washing powder. Some kind of powder, that can be easily dissolved and never heard of again... thankfully.

I can see it now: "Buy Seifer washing powder! It's lemon fresh, with the just a hint of jasmine. Nothing says clean like Seifer clean! Only $29.99 a box!"

$29.99? Jesus, what a rip off. No one wants their clothes to smell like _lavender_.

"What do you think of him, Sora?"

See, up until now, I've been pretty engrossed in my food (oh, sorry, we're at some cafe, pretending to be artsy students, simply searching for the meaning of life in music and other abstract crap), but I just finished my burger. This is why my mom always told me not to eat my food to fast.

Because one day, when I am at an artsy cafe with a friend that sees me as a best friend, but is the girl of my dreams, and I have to pretend to be very interested in something, I can use my food without seeming like a total douche. Not because I might choke and maybe die.

Aw, mom, I love you.

How the fuck did I get myself into this, again?

Oh yeah, that's right: I'm a pussy.

"Mmm, eh."

(I'm trying to get away without answering.)

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Don't go out with him, because I love you, and always have?

I cast around for a distraction in desperation. Anything, anything! A taco, Green Lantern, a musical involving lots of obnoxious teenagers that suddenly dance on tables and sing mind-numbing songs ― anything!

Oh, God, I don't know how many times I take your name in vain, but, please, if you're listening to me now, and haven't been pissed off by my constant cussing, can you please, please, please, please, please―

"Hey, Sora!"

Holy shit, that was fast. Thanks, man!

Er, Amen.

It's Roxas and Naminé. They're one of _those_ couples. You know that kind, don't you? Always together, inseparable (even at ball games, and parties... maybe even in the bathroom?) and kind of fucking annoying because they very subtly shove their courtship in your face, when you're not suspecting it. Sort of like:

"_So, Roxas, who're you taking to the party_?"

"_Naminé, duh, Sora. Who else_? _You're such an idiot! She is my true love, and you hath nothing of that sort! Weep, you puny, loveless mortal, weep_!"

(The above example may be dramatized for illustrative purposes.)

I know this, okay? I just asked to make conversation, you jerk. Roxas has a twin, named Ven, who's way more easygoing than Roxas, but a bit whacked up, if you catch my drift. Guy drives a _Hyundai_. They're nothing alike, which lessens the chances of Naminé messing up, and somehow sleeping with Ven. Which, if that did happen, would be extremely entertaining for the rest of us, because it would be like a real-life soap drama ... thing. (Dr. Phil says it is good for guys to watch them, so we can channel our emotions. I don't watch Oprah, she's just a fraud! That gives away cool stuff. I'd give anything to get on her show on Christmas.) Hell yeah, it'd be freaking depressing too, but nothing a little ass-kicking wouldn't fix. And maybe some alcohol. Yeah, we all know alcohol and rage leads to good things in life.

"Sup, guys?"

They pull over some seats and Naminé and Kairi instantly engage in conversation. About their clothes. And their hair. And their makeup. And their _shiny_, pretty ponies.

(Nah, I'm just pulling your leg, the last bit was a lie. There are no ponies on this island. Much to Riku's dismay.)

Roxas grins at me. He's known about my crush on Kairi for a while. ONLY because he weaseled it out of me when we were trashed one night, and I was throwing up in Naminé's ficus (Riku told me it was jizz-free ― good man). He took advantage of my helpless, drunk state. I told him I'd sue, but I don't think I have a case. (Ssh, don't tell him!)

He's one of my best friends. He doesn't get on with Riku very much (because the latter _may_ have tried to get with Naminé once or twice), but we're pretty tight.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to explain this situation?"

I glare at him. It's time like this I wish I could blow up people (and/or their minds) using my mind/brain/some kind of cool superpower. I did try asking the science geeks about becoming a superhero/super villain, but they just snorted (and one had an asthma attack because he was attempting a laugh).

"Isn't it pretty obvious, Roxas?"

He leans back in his chair, look complacent. "Need some help?"

"No."

"Aw, c'mon, admit it!"

"No."

"You do need help, Sora."

"No."

"Yup, you do."

"No."

"You know, I can lend you a hand―"

"Fuck no."

Roxas picks up my can of Dr. Pepper and takes a drink, just as there is an outburst of giggles from the girls. I sigh. Girls always giggle. And bat each other harmlessly with their tiny, perfect hands. And walk in quiet beauty, while smelling like strawberries. They always giggle when they talk about guys, too, so I can guess who they're yapping about like chihuahuas.

Roxas looks at me. "Seifer, huh?"

"My name is Sora, dimwit."

"No, I mean, that's your competition."

"What competition?" I say, trying to look unconcerned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play cool."

"I don't have to play it, I am it."

He ignores me. "He's quite a hit with the ladies."

"Not interested."

"He even got Paine to put out."

"How the _hell_?"

Aw, crap, he got me.

But, come _on_! That girl? Yeah, she's smoking, but she's dead cold. Won't bat an eyelid, won't turn a hair. In fact, most guys think she's lesbian (but we don't say this, because she is capable of kicking our asses from here to Twilight Town). She's always with Rikku and Yuna. Both of _them_ have their men ― those blondes, Gippal and Tidus ― but this chick is permanently flying solo. She must feel like the fifth wheel, poor girl. Maybe that's why she wanted a ride on a disco stick. Wait! Maybe Seifer was walking past her house one day and she raped him, so he acts like he scored with her, when he was really sexually abused!

... Hold on, is being sexually abused by some gorgeous girl ― and enjoying it ― really rape at all? I should check.

Mental note: ask Paine if she... No. Bad mental note. Ask _Seifer_ ― wait, even worse! I got it, ask Riku! Hah, problem solved. Done and done. (Make hand dusting noises now.)

Roxas grins at me again. He knows he has me. "No idea, but she was the one who admitted it."

Undone and undone. (Roll hands in dust now.)

"That's weird. What's his deal?"

"Dunno, but I'm sure we can find out."

Ah, now _this_ is why Roxas is my best friend. He looks innocent enough ― blond hair, blue eyes, level voice ― but the guy is a mine of information and schemes. He's constantly plotting, even if he has nothing to plot for/against. The first time I met him, I was a freshman. I remember, because I got kicked out of Cid's class for dropping his box of cigarettes on the floor (by accident), and he went into a fit of rage (don't worry, he attends anger management, now). I was ambling down the breezeway when I saw some blonde hair sticking out from behind a bush. I wtf'd, then made my way slowly to him, only to find a blonde kid ― that, to this day, kind of looks like me ― listening to a teacher shout at one of the school's renown bullies, Ansem, for not doing his English homework. Ansem kept denying it, and was given two weeks of detention for lying (our teacher was a total bitch back then, called Larxene) and later addressing her as a "total bitch."

Our little Roxas, bless him, had sabotaged Ansem. To this day, he cannot figure out why his English homework always disappears before English, and then reappears with tiny, cardboard legs stapled to it.

Not only that, Roxas knows everybody's biggest secrets and fears. He doesn't abuse them ― he just uses them when the time comes. (Naminé is the one that makes sure he doesn't go mad with power ― or in this case, information. She's kinda like his rock.) He's like an evil genius, minus the evil part by 90% ― give or take.

Last year, he even got Axel to quit setting things on fire. We still don't know how, but all that matters is that we no longer live in fear of buildings catching alight in the middle of dodgeball. Or your pants being set on fire, if he really doesn't like you. (Poor Yuffie. Girl hasn't glomped anyone since.)

"So, what've you got on him now?"

He glances at the girls before looking back me. They look pretty absorbed in their talk about... something.

"Just basics, you know? Middle name―"

"What is it?"

"Constance."

"Haha! That's a gay name!"

"Place of birth, family, stuff like that."

"Crap, that's nothing we can abuse."

Ah, talking like this ― scheming, plotting, etc ― makes me feel like a secret agent. A _ninja_. (On the evil side, of course, who wants to be on the good side, anyway? Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil have taught me that much.) Nigahiga has also taught me how to be a ninja, how to be emo and how to be a gangster. I am pretty sure all of this knowledge will be useful at some point in my life. (Like now.)

"Exactly." Sigh. "Which is why, you're booked for tonight."

"Dammit, Roxas, the game is on tonight."

"What game?"

"The... er... the..."

Think, damn you, think! What do you do anyway, brain? TAKE UP SPACE IN MY HEAD, WHERE THERE COULD PROBABLY BE ANOTHER USEFUL THING AND/OR ORGAN, THAT'S WHAT!

"The baseball game!"

"This isn't baseball season."

Shit.

"It's a rerun of an old game, that's really awesome."

Nice save.

"Sora, you have TiVo."

Hah! I can tell the truth, for once!

"Nope, not yet. Still getting installed."

Swish!

"Then tape it."

I hate when he backs me into corners.

"I can't, okay?"

"Why not?"

"Because... because..."

Oh, fuck it.

"Because _Finding Nemo_ is on tonight, and I left my DVD at home!"

He looks at me for a moment. Silence. Then―

"Very well, you're booked tonight _and_ tomorrow night."

"_What_? Why tonight?"

"Because _Finding Nemo_ is on, and at least we can watch at your apartment without _your_ twin brother mocking you."

"What sort of sick bastard doesn't like _Finding Nemo_?"

"Ven. He hates Dory's voice, so he says."

"Hey! Dory is an amazing singer! Just keep swimming, she told us!"

"Dude, and the part where Marlin and Nemo reunite!"

"Epic, man, epic. And when―"

"So, what are you boys talking about?"

"Football."

"Gym."

We catch each other's eye for a brief second before looking away. This is one of those times where you don't speak of it. Ever again.

They laugh again, before Kairi smiles at the pair of us. "Any plans for tonight?"

Roxas sits properly and abandons my can ― of now empty ― Dr. Pepper on the table (thanks, spastic). "We're gonna watch an old game at Sora's. What about you?"

Naminé shrugs. "We were thinking about a little girl time, so that's okay."

'Girl time.' I have no idea what it is, but it sounds heavenly. All fluffy pillows, gossamer lingerie and big, soft beds. They'll do their makeup, and their hair, and probably drink some kind of pink, fruity drink that'll make them a little tipsy. Then they'll start deciding to 'experiment' with one another, and that gossamer lingerie may just slip off―

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Bad idea, not here, not here! I glance down at my lap, hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I'm lucky I didn't wander too far into _that_ fantasy. Phew, thank God. Roxas would have let me live it down, but would have abused it at some later stage in life. I don't know _what_ the girls would have done.

"Sora, are you listening?"

Of course not.

"Sorry, was thinking about something ― what were you guys saying?"

"Roxas just suggested we meet up a little later tonight."

I look at him suspiciously.

'Did you tell them?'

'No.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes.'

(You just witnessed "Expression Talking." It's when guys sometimes use their facial expressions to communicate with one another. Girls do it too, but they are _so_ obvious.)

"About what time?"

Roxas clears his throat. He knows that I don't know _Finding Nemo'_s schedule. Thank God for best friends, really. They know some of the useless shit you don't know. Together, we are unstoppable forces of incompetence.

"Ten."

"Why ten?" Naminé sounds suspicious now.

"If you girls wanna hit they hay by then, that's fine by me," I say nonchalantly.

(I'm experimenting with reverse psychology here.)

Kairi sighs. "Fine, ten."

(Hey! That crap works!)

A moment later, we all hear some odd music. The four of us sit there for several minutes, wondering what the hell that noise is, before we all ― at the same time, miraculously ― realize the sound is coming from me.

"Oh, jeez, it's Riku!"

(Last year, when I got my iPhone, Riku decided he would "test our friendship" by changing the ringtone that plays when he calls, at every opportunity ― only after he has called at least once. They play in order of his favorite songs, so I have to pay attention to when they change. Right now, we're at number nine hundred and ninety-four, "Don't trust me" by 3OH!3. I'm pretty sure it's not to test our friendship, and more to just fuck with my mind.)

"What do you want?"

"What number are we at now, kid?"

"Nine hundred and ninety-four ― and don't call me that, we're the same age!"

"Whatever. How'd things go with Kairi?"

Seeing as I can't vent in front of the person I am venting about, I slip out of the cafe. They'll come to school soon enough, anyway. Plus, Riku knows how to point a guy in the right direction... sort of like a compass. But for girls, sex, alcohol and weed. Now, which one do you think pirates would _really_ want, huh?

"Not good. She's going on about 'best friend' shit."

"Dude..." Riku lets out a low whistle, "You're in the friend zone!"

Guys have five zones. Only five. Additional zones are added in complicated and unwanted situations, where we come up with weird, mispronounced Spanish names, so people are confused and do not question our attachments and/or zones. (That way, we're covering our asses.)

The first zone is the one Riku mentioned, "The Friend Zone." If you imagine each zone as an object in the said girl's room and/or life, you'd get this girl's pillow. It is most likely a shocking shade of pink/orange/etc, and gets no action whatsoever. You are there to offer support, comfort, and something for her to cry on when she's sad and/or lonely. You are seen as 'reliable,' 'soft,' 'cuddly' and 'warm.' Also, you've probably seen/heard about her engage in sexual activity, and have had to pretend like you're interested in the guy she did it with, when in reality, you wish you were him, and not the freaking pillow.

The second zone is "The Sex Zone." In this scenario, you are probably some intercourse-related object, like birth control pills or a condom. Do you know why? Because this relationship is purely physical. It's also rare, so don't get your hopes up (unless she's a whore). It is also possible that you're sex-addicted, and pick up at least one girl (or twins) per night, in order to 'satisfy' your needs, and then escape as soon as possible (e.g. when they fall asleep) without leaving your name or number (or if they have asked for your name and number, you suddenly become "Diego Carlos Rodríguez" and your cellphone number strangely has lots of repeating digits in it, like 33001133 or something).

The third zone is "The One-Sided Zone." This object varies. If you are the one in love, and she's the one going being all "meh" about it, then you're the teddy bear. You're needy, you want to be cuddled often, and you're probably 'cute' in their eyes, but 'not really boyfriend material.' If you're in this zone, and are the teddy bear, then she's just using use as kleenex, grasshopper. It's rebound, and that's all it will ever be. However, if _she_ is the one in love, and you're the "meh" character, then you're a virus, my friend. You break into her body, use her as a host cell to "do your bidding," then discard her when you're done, broken and dying. After that, you invade her mind, body and soul, and you become her everything. It's dangerous waters, and once you're in, I have no fucking idea how you're supposed to get out, because once those girls become obsessed, they'll tear your life apart.

The fourth zone is "The League Zone." In this zone, it once again depends on the situation you're in ― it's all about what _league_ you're pushing. Ever have a girl that you're staring at from afar, because you know she's too damn good to take a second look at you? Well, yeah, in that scene, you're the sock that's been lost under her bed for four years. She hasn't looked for you since the day she threw you under there and she's probably not going to start. If it's the other way around, though, then you're the frame with pink, painted hearts on, with your picture in it. Who knows where the hell she got your damn picture, but in that photograph, you're not even looking at the camera, so it's most likely she's a stalker. If she's really into (stalking) you, then she probably has several possessions of yours, like a shirt or scarf, that you have shrugged off because you unknowingly assume you've "lost" the item.

Last, but not least, is "The Boyfriend/Lover Zone." Yup, you've made it. Who knows how long this will last? Here, you are every, little item in her room. Her bra, her shirts, her drawers, her hairbrush, her pens, her desk ― _everything_. This is because everything in her room makes her think of you, simple as that. Let's take an example of... Roxas and Naminé, 'kay?

*****_"Oh, gosh, Kairi, doesn't that blue pen remind you of Roxas's eyes?"_

"_Er―"_

"_And the yellow of my lamp, his beautiful hair!"_

"_Um―"_

"_This white desk makes me think of the whiteness of his teeth, too, don't you agree?"_

"_Actually―"_

"_Look at the red of my bedspread! He was wearing a shirt this color exactly sixteen days and twenty-one hours ago!"_

"_Well―"_

"_Oh my God! The way this dreamcatcher brushes against me, sometimes makes me think of the way he _touches_ me!"_

"_Look―"_

Well, you get the picture.

(*****This is a hypothetical situation. The degree at which females go to in order to compare their boyfriends to objects in their rooms may vary. User discretion is advised. Please do not attempt at home.)

And there you have it, folks! Five zones, five things to experience. Guys to experience 'em all ― even the messed up ones like "The Friend Zone." Yeah, we really do. Every single one. Uh-huh. We don't leave anything out, no sir!

...

Okay, shut the hell up, I know I only said that to make myself feel better. Are you happy now, asshole? Because you just chopped my self-esteem in two! In two! Now there's only 0.5% left! I'm going to have to fake it the next time I wanna pick up a girl, or be under the influence of alcohol, or both! Is that what you _want_?

(Please stand by, put away your tray tables and adjust your seat to its upright position, because we are beginning our descent into reality. Thank you for flying Sora Airlines!

... That's a pretty catchy name, isn't it? Better than _Virgin_ Airlines.)

I groan. "I should kill myself now, before I turn into a Care Bear."

I hear his laughter on the other end. "A fucking pink one, too, with a rainbow."

"Shut up."

"Bro, you need a pick me up."

"What have you got in mind?"

"Cancel your pussy Finding Nemo-fest for tonight, alright? We'll meet up."

(It's beyond me how _he_ knows, when he's miles away.)

"What time should I be ready?"

"Round ten."

"Aw, shit, Roxas and I told Kairi and Naminé we'd show up."

"Invite them along too, man. The more the merrier."


	3. Narcotics

_Time unknown, Sunday (?), location unknown._

* * *

Head pounding, mouth sticky, vision blurred, sour aftertaste, unknown territory and an aching body. Well, kids, we all know what this is, don't we?

It's called a hangover.

Say it with me, now. _Hang_ _― ov_ _― er_. The three syllable bitch. Ah, how I loathe you and your ability to strike even the brightest (e.g. me) into such a state, that they are unable to remember where the fuck they are the next morning. I don't know what's worse, the taste or the headache. If you can even call this a 'headache'. This is more like several, small raccoons sitting inside your head with iron mallets, bashing your skull from the inside, while some of them empty vats of (highly acid) toxic waste around your brain, and laugh as it eats away at your medulla oblongata. Well, you know what, you motherfuc―

Ugh, crap, I forgot about the vomiting. The _smell_. Jesus, how could I forget about all of this? More importantly, where the _hell_ am I?

I look around, my head swimming (in toxic waste). I can't really identify anything just yet. Wait, I'll just look for colors! Uh, blonde, brunette, navy, brunette... Mm, there's some red there, meaning Kairi is around. Oh yeah, and there's Roxas! I'd recognize that blonde fohawk a mile away. Riku, Riku... Wait, why do I bother? That bastard probably got laid, and left me to get drunk out of my mind. In my mind. _On_ _top_ of my mind.

What in the name of Hans Christian Anderson _is_ this powdery shit? Who would play with baby powder while they're drunk? I mean, maybe if they just had a shower, and felt like _pampering _themselves (if that was a guy, then he's a pussy), but who wants to shower ― of all the goddamned things in the world ― when they're drunk and/or high? I know what I like to do. I just kick back and eat. Yup, you heard me. I eat and eat and eat, because food tastes the best when I'm drunk.

I roll over onto my back and away from that weird powder. I raise my head and look at the door. Jesus, it's like, sixty million miles away. No, I don't want to get up. I want to lay here quietly, head aching, mind numb, in this odd powder―

Um, no, I don't.

It takes several attempts (and I may have broken a few of ... someone's possessions ― whoever owns this house, I mean) and a lot of stumbling, but I manage to get to the door. I know what I need. A shower, a meal and a strong, strong cup of a coffee. I should be okay then. I turn back, my hand on the doorknob, to look at my friends strewn across the floor.

Aw, shit, I can't leave them.

(I hate myself and my stupid conscience. I hope it burns in hell.)

So, then it takes several attempts to wake them ("Roxas! Naminé called! She's having the baby, man!"), and, in the end, we have to carry Kairi to the car, but we get there eventually. After that, I don't know what happened, because I passed out in the backseat.

"Sora, dude, get the hell up."

I rub my eyes, yawning. "Are we at my place?"

"Yeah. Just get the fuck out, I have to take Kairi home, and then go on a date with Naminé_."_

"Sucks for you, man," I say blearily, staggering my way towards my apartment. "Thanks, by the way."

"No problem."

I blink as he drives away, wondering if Kairi would get home safely. I frown to myself as I realize that she was also sleeping in that same white, powder shit that I was in. Damn, I should have asked Roxas if I was the one who decided to pretend it was snowing inside and/or if I had decided to be a douche and take a shower when I was drunk. Imagine if I did something like shave my legs. Sweet Mother of God, I don't think I could live with myself. I'd jump out of my apartment window straight away.

It takes me about two hours to restore my energy and return to normality. What can I say, I bounce back fast, 'kay? When you party hard, you learn to deal, anyway. I stare down at my coffee, before shaking my head. My head is still pounding.

"Maybe I should take an aspirin."

Yeah, I talk to myself, alright? Who the hell doesn't? If you don't, then there's something wrong with you. I mean, have you ever tried talking to yourself while you're doing something? For example, when you're doing your Calculus homework, all you have to do is talk to yourself a little and it all starts to become routine, because you're―

Hold the phone. _Homework_?

'Oh, Sora, if you dodge that ton of bricks over there, you'll just be hit by that anvil.'

Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. If you didn't tell me to "save" my friends back there, we would have gotten home a lot earlier, and I would have realized a lot sooner than now, okay? Jesus Christ, I have Bio and Calculus. How could I forget? I also have some Chem test on tomorrow. You know, this is why I do not hang out with Riku so often. It's suddenly all so clear. That bastard just manages to get me into a mother load of trouble, and then cheese it. He does this to me every single year, too. As soon as I forget why I don't spend time with him on weekends, he swoops in, like an eagle, and attacks me.

"Whoa, hold on, buddy. You can do this."

'What do you suggest we do first?'

"Er, well, I was―"

'You're so damn useless, man. Start with Bio, 'cos that shit is easy, then do your Calc. When you're done with all that, just study for Chem. Didn't your teacher say it was mostly stuff from last year?'

"Hey, thanks!"

Wait, you're probably thinking I'm not that smart, amirite? Yeah, that's not cool, by the way. You can't judge me, bro, 'cos you've no idea about me. I'm a smart kid, alright? I mean, senior. I'm planning to go into Engineering, so my GPA's gotta be top notch. Just 'cos I get drunk sometimes, talk shit and eat too much does _not_ mean I'm an idiot. It's all a facade, so people don't bug me about tutoring them and allowing them to copy. If you're my friend, that's all gee, but I'm not a homework prostitute, 'kay?

('_Homework prostitute_;' noun; a person that sells their answers for money, or in return for some other object they view as valuable. They could also give away answers for friendship, "benefits" or simply use the knowledge that one has copied as blackmail in later life. To be deemed as one, the homework prostitute must have a GPA of _over_ 3.7, and excel in all Mathematical and Scientific subjects. If you're having a problem with English, and you're a native English speaker, the homework prostitute will most likely call you something derogatory and ask to never see your face again, because you are an embarrassment to all native English speakers.)

And that, my friends, is what you call Sora's dictionary.

* * *

_12.45 pm, Sunday, Food Court._

* * *

"So, how long 'til the headache disappeared?"

Roxas sighs and stares at his coke. "Mine was prolonged because Naminé wanted to go to Six Flags."

"That must have been fun!" I grin to myself as I take a bite out of my slice. So there _were_ many pros to not having a girlfriend. Interesting, interesting. Still, the fact that you get sex seems to outweigh it all. Plus, Naminé is totally hot. She's kind of frail looking, but Roxas tells me she's a vixen in the sack. Once, he told me that she―

"Hey guys! What's up?"

Shit. You know, sometimes, in life when you're thinking about somebody in relation to some sexual activity, and they suddenly appear, then you meet their eyes, and it is like they know? Like, they can totally see what you're seeing, because this person must be a mind reader or a witch or something? Some amazing witch, probably, that stays alone in a big mansion, wears white all the time and sketches stuff out on a cool sketch pad ― maybe she has the power to lock people up in strange, glass contraptions that look a lot like flowers?

Hahaha, what the fuck am I saying? I'm so letting my imagination get ahead of me. Again.

Anyway, yeah, I hate those moments. More than alarm clocks. And alarm clocks are number four on my Most Hated List. (Sex, however, is number one on my Most Loved.)

So, Naminé tactfully pretended she didn't see what was going on in my mind, and slid into the seat across from Roxas. "Are you feeling better, honey?"

They sound like an old, married couple. She's always calling him 'honey' and 'sweetie.' Roxas is always calling her 'babe' and 'Naminé.' Mostly 'babe,' though. It's because they've been going out for so long, so it's like they've already walked down the aisle, had a baby shower, then had the baby, been on holiday, gone to their kid's graduation, celebrated their thirtieth anniversary, been to their kid's wedding and then died and decomposed together. It's kind of hard to imagine them _not_ together, if you catch my drift? I'm sure you know two people that just belong.

If any one of you bitches brings up _Twilight_, I will disembowel you, scoop out your eyeballs, feed them to piranhas, chop your body up into six, equal pieces, blend that up, then feed it to some old, toothless lion at the zoo. You understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'm sorry, _Twilight _pisses me off, that's all. C'mon, people, who wants to marry a guy that sparkles? Also, who names their kid _Renesmee_? Do you know what the sounds like? Like a cheese. It sounds like some, weird-looking, awful tasting cheese that costs a lot of money, and it so not worth it. I ask you, do you want to name your child after a cheese that tastes so bad you want to cut off your own tongue after you've taken a bite?

The answer is no.

Because there are only two beings named 'Edward' in the world that deserve recognition. Edward Bear, better known as Winnie the Pooh, and Edward Scissorhands, because even though he has scissors for hands, he can still tap that chick in the movie.

"Sora?"

"Huh?"

'Paying attention is important, Sora. You have the attention span of a fucking gnat.'

Why don't you shut the hell up? God, it's like having some kind of wife inside your head, constantly nagging and chattering. It's like, hey, I'd like some peace and quiet, y'know? HOW ABOUT WE PLAY THE QUIET GAME, BITCH?

"Did you study for the Chem test today?"

I nod and swallow. "Oh, that. Yeah, yesterday."

"And you can still keep up your grade with just a few hours study?" Naminé asks sceptically.

I turn to Roxas. We both burst into laughter. Shit, this girl is funny! How come I never knew? Usually she's so uptight about stuff, only loosening up when it comes to some social gatherings and whatever. I mean, it takes at least seven White Russians to get her to get her freak on. I will admit, the girl can own the dance floor, though. She lights the damn thing on fire with her moves.

(But only when she's intoxicated, so she doesn't know. Ssshh, don't tell her.)

Kairi pats Naminé on the arm. "You have much to understand about Sora, Nam."

"Like what?"

I would have listened to Kairi compliment me. I mean, I love when she compliments me, because her lips form my name oh-so perfectly and she smells so heavenly while she's sitting there, going on about how wonderful I am. (It's true.) In fact, I would have to say, number two on my Most Loved List is Kairi. Maybe one day, when we're going out, she can be number one, because number one (sex) will mean number two (Kairi). Ah, that will be the day, my friends, that will be the day...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Kairi talking about me. So I was listening to her talk about me for a bit, but then, at that very moment, she walked by. It was as if the ocean was wafting past me. Okay, I get that I live on an island, but I never really appreciate the smell because I'm always here, y'know? But this... this was different. She smelled like the ocean, fresh and cool, but also kinda spicy, like cinnamon. And, by God, she was gorgeous. She couldn't hold a candle to Kairi, but she had some amazing eyes going on. They were... a lot like Kairi's, now that I think about it. Deep, deep blue.

"Dude, who's that?"

Roxas looks up. "Uh, that's Aqua."

"Who?"

"She just transferred from Twilight Town."

She meets my eyes for just a moment. It's brief, but it was totally a 'come hither' look. At least, I hope it was. I mean, I don't want another Kairi fiasco. I think I'll die if someone else wants to be "just (best) friends" with me. I'd rather be in the Sex Zone. That's a much more fun zone, right?

Roxas grins at me. "What are you thinking, Sora?"

"Nothing."

Oh, lies. Lies, lies, _lies_. I am thinking of hitting it. Of course, I can't say that with Kairi here. Oh shit, wait, what am I thinking? Kairi is right here and I am thinking about sexual intercourse with another girl? I am the worst imaginary boyfriend ever. I must suck hard. (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.) I can't do that. I must stop at once!

"Don't lie, man. I know you'd hit that."

"Yeah, with a car."

"Don't be so harsh, Sora, she's pretty." Roxas salts his food. I watch the white, powdery substance for a moment before I remember what I wanted to ask him. Jeez, how could I forget?

"Dude, what was up with that white stuff on the floor?"

"What white stuff?"

"At that party," I say, not recalling much of it. "You know, I hope I didn't act like a total douche and play with talcum powder or something. It may look like snow from afar, but it's seriously not, I mean it."

Roxas laughs. "Sora, that wasn't talcum powder."

"Are you sure? Shit, I'm so embarrassed, I wish everyone else was dead."

"Yeah, damn sure, so don't worry. You kinda just relaxed and ate. You were with Kairi most of the time, anyway."

"Hm?" Kairi turns to us. "When?"

"At that party."

"Oh, yeah, that was fun!"

Aw, baby, did I make it fun for you? You and I should have a private party and see just how much fun we can have―

No, no, no! Bad thoughts are bad!

"What was it?" I say, trying to take my mind of my 'private party.'

Go away. Go away. Go away. Swim to Canada and eat maple syrup. Don't trouble me now, you dirty whore. Go away, away, away. I swear to God, I'll kick your ass (mentally?). I'm not sure how, but I'll do it, man, I'll do it!

"Cocaine, I think."

I'm sure that if I had had any sort of liquid in my mouth, I would have spat it out immediately. We're just lucky I didn't, because that would have been not cool and gross. Really gross.

You see, I am a pretty laid back kinda guy. I don't get excited about much at all (except, perhaps, copulation and Kairi – particularly when those two are related) and it takes a lot of time to get me fired up. But at the same time, I'm also kinda a good guy. I may drink and do a lot of other stupid shit, but I don't do drugs. Drugs aren't cool, okay? I don't care what idiot told you that in school or on the street or wherever, but they just fuck up your life. I mean it, I've seen it happen. Xemnas used to be a pretty normal guy (okay, whatever, he was strange at times). Then, suddenly, he was doing drugs. The guy was dancing on tabletops in a wetsuit, trying to ride a horse and eat McDonald's simultaneously, even dressing up as Mr. Miyagi and holding auditions for "the perfect Karate Kid."

... Fine, I am lying about that. But only to stress my point! The dude was going through some pretty messed up mood swings and shit. He would sleep a whole lot when he didn't get his "daily dose" and lashed out at everybody. Eventually, he was sent to rehab. It's been three years and he's still in it. Riku went to visit him once or twice, and I've been told he's a shell of his former self. He doesn't talk, he's as this as some anorexic and you can't even mention the word 'drugs' to him, or he freaks out and attacks you (Riku learned the hard way, while he was trying to congratulate him on his recovery from his drug abuse problem.) Also, there's only one Karate Kid. We all know who it is and I don't care what Barney says from "_How I Met Your Mother_" (no matter how awesome that guy is).

That concludes this persuasive argument on reasons not to do drugs and Karate Kid.

"Don't say it so damn casually!"

"How else am I supposed to say it? Suspiciously, in an undertone? Yeah, that won't attract attention at all."

"Who was, you know, using... it?"

Kairi shrugs. "Just some college guys, not any of us."

"Yeah, but where the hell did they get it from?" I ask. "That shit isn't easy to come by, unless you have contacts."

"Why, have you got contacts?"

"No!"

"Then how do you know?"

"I was told."

"By your contacts?"

"I don't have any contacts."

"Then who told you?"

I roll my eyes. "Jeez, stop being so paranoid, Naminé, just let it go. Let's just say I know, and leave it at that, 'kay?"

"Why were you worried, anyway?" Roxas checks his timetable. "We have Geography next, babe." (He said the last part to Naminé, you fools, not me. If he ever called me 'babe,' it would be the last thing he would ever say.)

I shrug. "Not. Just wondering, is all."

"Is this because of the snow thing you mentioned earlier?"

Jeez, Roxas, why can't you learn – just like my mind – to shut the fuck up, sometimes? Yeah, I really want Kairi to hear all about me trying to make it snow like I did when I was ten, using my mom's talcum powder. (It didn't work, but my room smelled daisy fresh for quite a few weeks.) I then tried to use my snowboard to board down my bed. (That didn't work either. I also broke my arm.) In my mind, it all worked out, but in real life? Not so much. I know where I went wrong now. If only I had thought ahead seven years ago, and not made a total douche out of myself, especially since my parents and all their friends (and their kids) walked in five minutes later, only to find the house coated in powder. They didn't believe me when I said Santa and the Tooth Fairy had a fight, and Santa decided to throw a snow powder bomb at the Tooth Fairy. I even left the remains of one of my mom's shiny (and purposefully broken) earrings on the floor, claiming it was the Tooth Fairy's leg.

It was a beautiful lie, if I do say so myself.

"Hey, what's that you have now? Geography, you say? Damn, I'm in the opposite direction."

Meaning: 'Hey, why don't you shut your face hole? Good thing I don't have to see you for the rest of the day, or I'd shove your lunch tray down your throat.'

"Yeah, we'd better go, too," Kairi says, checking her watch. "C'mon, Sora."

Roxas grins at me. "Forever the best friend, huh, Sora?"

One of these days, I am going to come to school with a gun. When I come to school with a gun, I will shoot the next person that makes a quip about my relationship status with Kairi. The next person that makes a quip about my relationship status with Kairi, that will be shot, will so―

"Man, remember, tonight, okay? We've still got some uncovering to do concerning that Seifer idiot."

―_not_ be Roxas.


	4. Clandestine

_11.23 pm, Sunday, Roxas' house._

* * *

"Dude, what the hell are you wearing?"

"What do you mean? I thought this was a stealth mission!"

"You don't dress up like a fucking ninja _―_ do you know _nothing_ about this?"

Okay, I think Roxas is the one at fault here. He's all up in his jeans and t-shirt thing, with those brightly coloured sneakers and shit. How do I tell him that people will just look down at his shoes every time he goes up to say 'hey'? It'll be likes girls and breasts. Yeah, we look at their chests. It's just sometimes, the girl just goes on and on about things we don't really give a damn about, like their grandmother's brownie recipe or their ex-boyfriend's car. Girls, we don't freaking care, stop telling us. If you're gonna talk to us, at least be interesting. Talk about grass, even _―_ that's going to be way more entertaining than your dick of an ex-boyfriend's BMW. Isn't that why you broke up with him? 'Cos you realized he was a dick?

"Here, go change."

He doesn't have to _shove_ the clothes at me and be all disgusted-like. I am _trying_ here, okay? I am definitely the one doing all the work in this relationship. Does he know how sleep deprived I will be tomorrow? It takes at least fifteen minutes to get my hair to look this epic, really. If I do this, I won't be able to get up on time tomorrow, so I won't be able to do my hair, therefore Kairi won't tell me she wants to play with it (as she often does during class, much to my pleasure) and I will, as a result, want to castrate Roxas. Oh my Jesus, what in the name of God is he trying to make me wear? Shit, this thing has a _collar_. I do not wear things with a _collar_. Period.

(Hahaha, I said 'period.')

"Roxas, I won't wear this." I shove it back at him, repulsed.

He sighs. "Fine, just keep the shirt you have on now."

I probably should have brought the nifty things Roxas is packing into his backpack right now. A flashlight, matches, batteries, some water bottles. Hell, he's even taking some food supplies. Wait, _provisions_? How long are we going to spend chasing this Seifer guy? I like Kairi and all, but I'm not sacrificing my whole life to prove that some guy she _might_ like is a douche. In that time, I could probably convince her to go out with me using my suave and sexy demeanour. (If I had a goatee, I'd be stroking it now.)

"Why are we taking food, man?"

"Because you'll probably get hungry – do you want jam?"

"Have you got any ham?"

"Just a few grams."

"Damn."

(This is another reason why Roxas is my best friend. We spontaneously break into poetry. I don't care what _you_ consider poetry, but this is my kind. We don't go rhyming _everything_, now, we just do it occasionally, when we feel it appropriate. Plus, there's only so much poetry a guy can take. Screw Shakespeare _―_ that guy was a prick. I hate him for making English so unbearable. I hate him with a wrath that no woman or Hell shall _ever_ conceive.)

"Right, we're ready. Take this."

He tosses a bag to me. I catch it and shoulder it. It's pretty freakin' heavy _―_ I wonder what's in it? At first, I always thought Roxas killed people and hid their bodies in strange places (like in the principal's desk or in the janitor's broom closet, by the mop). I mean, he can be shady enough at times. Especially since he is so damned good at sneaking around the place like a fucking assassin. I used to fear for _my_ life before we became best friends. I don't even know how it happened, to be honest. We sort of just gelled after I caught him by the window, admiring his handiwork. Really, I thought he was just faking at first and would soon pull out something pointy and made of steel, so he could chop me up and harvest my organs. Then he would go to the black market and sell them off for low, low prices. It would be like, "Get your liver here! Fresh, human liver!" Mother of God, those were scary ass times.

Until, one faithful day, Simba fought back! He wasn't going to let Scar get the better of him! He ran for miles and miles, back home, back to the place he belonged_―_

"Sora, can you stop thinking about _The Lion King_ for one second and help me?"

Hey! When'd we get here?

'You faggot, you were thinking about Roxas harvesting your organs and _The Lion King_ the whole time.'

No, I wasn't!

'I am your fucking mind, Sora. It's impossible to lie to _me_.'

Oh, right.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Just bring that bag and follow me."

After that, we walked for about fifteen minutes. It was really dark and pretty scary out there, but I had Roxas with me. Plus, I'm a guy. Guys NEVER get scared. It is impossible. It is more likely for us to turn into a ferret or a platypus than for us to be frightened by something as stupid as the night. I mean, really, you'd have to be such a pussy. We're invincible! Amazing! Wonderful! We'd go all ninja on whoever's ass! Ninja-Kung-Fu-Spinning-Batman-Flying-Mantis-Snake-Style! BECAUSE SORA WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING! YEAH, HE'S AS FAST AS LIGHTNING! OH, IT'S A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING_―_

"Get down!"

At this point, we both ninja roll under a hedge just outside someone's house. We lay there for a moment, panting. If anyone sees us around this neighbourhood at this hour, they'd instantly going whining to the police like a small child goes crying to their mom. Yeah, we can't afford to get anything on our records if we wanna get into Ivy League schools, all gee? I glance at Roxas and he discreetly signals for me to follow him. It would have been okay, if it weren't for all the goddamned flowerbeds and prickly hedges. It's like they're _trying_ to keep us out or something.

"Where's his house?" I whisper.

He points at the house across the street. He then points to the ground. Roxas pulls out a lighter and starts to draw on the sand. It's complicated, a little over the top, but he knows I'm a freaking genius. He also knows I like it when things are overly dramatized and hard for the average person to compute. And that my favourite foods are pizza and fried noodles.

"We duck, pull a left, double back, hide behind that Mercedes and I'll hide behind the recycle bins. We wait at least ten minutes, stay on your stomach until you're within five metres of the kissing gate, jump over that and end up under that hedge over there, just outside his house."

Haha, "kissing gate"! Who the fuck comes up with a name like "_kissing gate_"?

"Sora, did you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah. You go right, I go left."

"If anyone sees you, cheese it. I can still check it out on my own."

"What makes you think _I'll_ be the one that is caught?"

"Okay, sorry, jeez. Forgiven?"

"Fine." I glance around. "Who lives here, by the way?" I jab my thumb at the house we're currently hiding behind.

"Um, I think it's Cloud."

"Roxas?"

"Yeah?"

"It's a little bit creepy that you know so much."

"... Let's just go."

I dart out towards the left, using the hedges to cover me. I swerve left and then roll back stealthily. After about seventeen more lines of sentences just like the last one, I end up next to Roxas, out of breath and concealed by the hedge belonging to Seifer. I must say, it's a very nice hedge. Well trimmed, some pretty flowers – it even smells quite nice.

"Sora?"

"Huh?"

"Guy has a nice hedge."

"I know, right? What the hell does he spend his free time doing? _Gardening_?"

Roxas opens his mouth, about to reply, when we hear the kissing gate (ROFL!) give a tiny creak. We both freeze. We're well hidden, but there's always a chance someone _could_ find us. A few minutes later, we hear nothing. Whoever it was must have been going into the house and not coming around. We breathe a sigh of relief. I did not want to be caught by some weird, old man, yelling and shaking his fist. If he had Alzheimer's, it would have been all good, y'know? Man, how useful would it be to have grandparents/parents with that? They'd never know! We could blow up the damn house and they would forget in due time! That's so going on my Most Wished List.

Roxas taps me on the back and I begin to crawl with him towards a nearby window. We're able to sit up at this point, because it's really impossible for anyone to see us now, unless they decide to come into the back garden to... pick some fresh vegetables? Wow, are those carrots? Damn it, I wish I wasn't so hungry all of a sudden_―_

He shoves a Twinkie at me and presses his fingers to his lips. We both hear talking, though muffled and then somebody _―_ or some people _―_ come into the room that we're currently outside of. We both go very still and look at each other.

"_―_can't do something like that again!"

"I know, I'm sorry, okay? Seifer, it was stupid! I'm sorry!" It's a female's voice. A nice one, too.

We hear a sigh. "Look, do you still want to eat?"

I pout at my Twinkie and nod.

"Yeah, can we? Please?"

"Grab your coat and let's go."

He approaches our window and we both shrink down (as if this would really help, now). Luckily for us, he seemed pretty preoccupied with the female, he just closed the window with a thud. After fifteen minutes of general, muffled (I like using that word! Kind of makes me think of cotton candy and fluffy bunnies – you know, 'muffly'?) conversation and Seifer locking up, they both depart. I catch sight of his blonde hair and someone else's blue hair. Wait a minute! I know that blue! It's a little bit gray _―_ more of a navy color, to be honest _―_ but I'd know it anywhere! Well... not _anywhere_. I'd say I'm only remembering it now because I saw it a few hours ago and such. Quite frankly, I don't really remember any of the girls I've dated. They all seem to pale in comparison to Kairi. Aw, shit, I had successfully stopped thinking about her for an extended period of time _―_ now I just blew it! I grumble to myself, taking a furious bite out of my Twinkie.

Roxas stands up suddenly, looking up and down the street furtively. He slips his hand back and the window opens silently. I stare up at him, my mouth full of Twinkie. When did he do that? More importantly, _how_ did he do that?

"Roxas, what the f_―_"

"I just slipped this under the frame _―_ it didn't shut properly, so I could open it easily enough."

"That was fucking amazing!" I applaud quietly and he takes a bow. "Where'd you learn to do that? Assassin Camp?"

"... Sora, I do not want to harvest your organs."

I clear my throat. "Are we actually going to break in?"

"We're not breaking in per se."

"We're just taking a stroll, are we?"

"Yes. Yes, we are."

I give Roxas a boost and he climbs through the window. I hurriedly clamber in after him and land softly (those were catlike reflexes, baby, _catlike_!). From what I can see, the guy is pretty well off (or, to be more specific, his parents are). He has a sweet TV! Plasma, 52-inch. Damn, that would look good in my apartment. I turn to Roxas.

"We're not stealing anything, Sora."

If I had ears _―_ and if I were a puppy _―_ my ears would be drooping. Also, I'd be so fucking cute.

"Let's just look around, okay? Don't use your flashlight unless it's some kind of emergency, because we don't want the neighbours to notice and call the cops. You take upstairs, because you're more likely to break something in the kitchen."

"Aye aye!"

Do you _see_ why I have to worry about Roxas? Do you? Who knows stuff like this? And where did he learn it? If he learned all this at Hogwarts, that is not fucking fair, because my owl got lost when I was eleven and is now circling the Caribbean Islands because it has no idea where to go. What are you talking about? Psh, of course I didn't cry when I didn't get my letter because of my incompetent owl... of course...

Ahem, anyway. Yeah, I can't find anything up here. Seifer's room is just your average guy room, too. It has most of the stuff I have (I had no idea he likes Radiohead _―_ it's good to have something in common with the guy you're investigating illegally). Wow, he even has a signed poster from Chester Bennington! Dude, _this_ I want to steal more than the TV! Jesus Christ, we're already in here, why won't Roxas let me take _one_ thing?

I look around a bit more, careful not to move anything. Whoa, this guy even has a lava lamp! And, strangely enough, uses the same shampoo as me. There's nothing wrong with Darth Vader Shampoo, 'kay? When you wash your hair with awesome, it _is_ awesome. Good-smelling, soft, silky awesome. He has all the other normal bathroom stuff, too. Conditioner, razor blades, shaving gel, some kind of powder, lotion, toothpaste, a toothbrush (a cool, glow-in-the-dark one, too!) _―_ the whole shebang. And... a loofah. (Er. Okay, I don't judge.) I shine my flashlight on some documents briefly, just to catch a glimpse of what they are. English Essay, Biology, Art, Art, Biology _―_ wait, wait, wait. What the fuck is _this_?

It's a square, brown package. I open it tentatively and pull out a wad of paper. I flick through them, before moving closer to the window so a nearby pool of light allows me to see.

Oh my _fucking_ God.

This is why I love Roxas. Honest to God, I love him. He is my brother, man, my _brother_. I flick through the pages again in glee, quickly glancing out the window at the almost empty street. I sigh in ecstasy as a couple of fuzzy figures walk towards us. I did it! I did it! Yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, no eating here tonight, you on a _diet_! ... Hm, something seems off. Walk... _towards_ us?

I sprint down the stairs and grab Roxas by the arm. He spins around, looking annoyed. "What, dude? You gave me a heart_―_"

"They're back!"

"What? No!"

"Yes, yes, yes!"

"Oh, fuck."

"Don't just cuss! What do we _do_?!"

The keys jingle outside. We both lapse into Panic Mode.

('_Panic Mode'_; state of being; in which Sora _―_ and whoever he is with _―_ come(s) up with a hasty plan in a very short period of time. The quality of the plan varies on the amount of time given. For example, if it is one day before someone's birthday and he has yet to acquire a present, the plan will be pulled off with an almost hundred percent success rate. However, it there is someone at the door and he has just broken into his or her house in order to dig up dirt on them, we would generally use the phrase: "He's boned.")

Before I can even argue with my mind _―_ which is being very efficient at the moment, bringing up the Sora Dictionary and shit in the middle of the chaos and all, while still thinking up a plan _―_ I pull Roxas into a nearby closet. I feel like my heart is going to fucking explode or something. Even if I don't talk, I am pretty sure my heart hammering against my chest will alert them of our presence _―_ that's how loud it feels.

Ah, adrenaline, you conniving bitch.

We hear Seifer and Aqua make their way across the lobby and into the next room. My heart rate slows down a little bit. So this isn't some coat closet or anything, good. That would have been an unfortunate _―_ and very cliché _―_ coincidence, right? Thank God for authors with a little more originality. Like J. K. Rowling and stuff.

Roxas nudges me and points at my hand. I'm still gripping the brown envelope tightly in my hand. I wave it around a bit and then mouth the words 'mother lode' to him.

He mouths back the word 'where?' to me.

'In his room.'

'What is it?'

'Later!'

'How do we get out?'

'Wait for them to sleep, then just sneak out.'

'I hope they don't find the backpacks.'

'Where are they?'

'In the back garden.'

I am relatively certain no one goes out into their back garden to stare at their vegetables in the middle of the night, so I am pretty sure we're safe. Even if they do find them, Roxas has put nothing on the backpacks _―_ or the items inside them _―_ that could be identified with us. He uses them especially for these kinds of "jobs." (He calls them "jobs," not me.) Unfortunately, this is too long to convey to Roxas (even with the assistance of gesticulations) and there is no sand about to inscribe it on. I don't even have a pencil to write on the back of this envelope with.

I settle for patting him on the back consolingly.

We wait for about two hours _―_ glow-in-the-dark watches are useful at times like these! _―_ and Roxas eventually nods off. I'm more used to being awake, because I sometimes get very hungry in the middle of the night and have to get up in order to make a bowl of cereal to eat. It's usual not what I want, but how can I possibly make Thai Green Curry at 3 am?

After what feels like sixty years of being cramped in an uncomfortable, small closet (that is also stuffy), we hear Aqua bid him goodnight. I sigh in relief.

Jeeesus, I thought they were never gonna stop. What were they doing? Making out? Having sex? She doesn't make much noise _―_ neither does he, now that I think of it. It was just a whole lot of talking from what I heard. Who the fuck can spend two and a half hours with a pretty girl and not want to get some? Homosexuals, that is who. Obviously Seifer is homosexual.

'Brilliant deduction, genius.'

Thanks!

'Did you ever consider the fact that they may be related? Cousins or something? Maybe they have the same father, even. Perhaps they're even brother and sister, but their parents are divorced. Christ, why do you have such a one track mind?'

I do not have a one track mind! I think about lotsa stuff! I just happen to like thinking about sex the most.

'Therefore, you are not getting any. Because you think too much about it, so the girls just know you're a pervert.'

Girls can't read minds.

'Yes, they can.'

Also, I am not a pervert.

'Yes, you are.'

I feel my body stiffen as footsteps draw closer to our closet. Is he going to open it? Oh, fuck, please don't! If you do, we may have to kill you! Why didn't Roxas let me wear my ninja getup? This way, even if he did open the door, we could make lots of ninja noises (like "Hiyah!" and "Waa-chaah!") and then freak him out. That way, he'd be all stunned, and we could ninja our way out of the house, claiming it was a 'Surprise Ninja Attack'! C'mon, the best way to pull off a failed robbery/intrusion is to wear a weird costume and pretend it was a practical joke. How do you think villains and superheroes came along, eh?

I hear a key slide into place, and the lock gives a _chink_.

Holy _shit_, we're locked in.

I wait until I hear his footsteps fade away up the stairs before I poke Roxas awake urgently. He gets up with a start and yawns. God, this guy can fall asleep anywhere. Once, he fell asleep on the rollercoaster. I don't know how, but it happened. We all thought he fainted, but it turns out he was just tired from staying up late last night. After twenty minutes of teasing ("Roxas, you stud, you! Keeping Naminé awake all night, were you? Damn, you're a fucking machine!"), it was revealed that he was playing Halo with some kid in China.

Dork.

'We're locked in!' I mouth to him.

Roxas pauses for a moment. 'Has he gone to bed?'

'I think so.'

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a neatly folded piece of paper and a wire. Okay, it's nice that he likes reading... and wires (?). But how is this going to help? I do _not_ want to do a crossword right now. Plus, we don't have a pen! Or a pencil! Or any kind of writing material!

I shoot him a confused look. Roxas grins at me and taps his watch (it's not glow-in-the-dark, so I assume he wants me to wait).

I'm so sick of waiting. My body hurts, this closet is small and it's hard to breathe in here. On top of that, all I've eaten is a Twinkie. I'm going to have to sleep for at least half the day! Damn, I should pick the classes I can ditch/not pay attention in. Um, what do I have? Calculus, Biology, Chemistry, English, English and Physics. Alright, double English means two sleeping periods! The third one can be... Biology. Not Chem, because we have that test. Oh, shit, I am gonna be writing a test with only, like, two hours sleep! I blame Roxas for this fruitful yet awful endeavour.

Finally, Roxas prods me and grins. He kneels down and slides the piece of paper under the door. I raise my eyebrows. Then, he stands up and inserts the wire into the keyhole. He fiddles around for a while, but then I hear some dull _thud_. The key hits the floor. He pulls the paper back under the door and lifts the key up, waving it in front of my face.

I fucking love him.

We high-five and have a little celebratory moment once we get out of the closet (stretching, yawning, dancing, all that shit). Then Roxas places the key back in the keyhole and locks it, just so Seifer isn't all suspicious in the momrning. We sneak back into the room where our window was located and jump through it, careful to close it gently.

Instead of drawing another long, complicated plan, the two of us just cheese it. We run and run, jumping on top of benches and running in the middle of deserted roads until we reach his car. We fucking did it! Once we reach my apartment, Roxas sits opposite me, staring at the envelope.

"Show me, damn it, I did not sacrifice my sleep for nought."

"You're just lucky we weren't caught."

"Psh, with my skill, they would never have found us, no matter how long they sought."

"Well, you have been taught." (If I could, I would permanently talk Yoda-style, y'know? Too bad it takes too much of my thought and deliberation.)

I rip it open, not caring what happens to envelope any longer. It belongs to Roxas and I now, Seifer, my shampoo buddy. If you let me take the poster, lava lamp and TV, maybe we could have negotiated, yeah?

Roxas leafs through the pages for a while, pausing every now and then, and finally raises his eyes to meet mine. "LML."

"That doesn't rhyme, imbecile!"


	5. Palliate

_7.50 am, Monday, Roxas' car._

* * *

"Now remember, it's all about timing."

Timing? Brother, I am the _king_ of timing. I own timing. If timing was a person and met up with me one day, he'd be all, "Dude, you rule!" Do you know why? 'Cos it'd be true. I'd rule him. Or her. I think timing would be a guy, because girls are _always_ late. I mean, do they do it on purpose? What do they think they get out of making a guy wait an extra fifteen or twenty minutes? I'll tell you what: nothing. It's just so damn annoying, waiting for some chick to "get ready." What are you "getting ready," huh? Because unless you're about to put out, the chances are we don't really care what's covering your body. Except for Kairi. Have you noticed that she always dresses perfectly? Matching, smelling nice, looking so damn fine—

"Sora, listen!" He clicks his fingers in front of my face.

What the fuck does he think I am? A dog? Now I _have_ to respond to his finger clicking, or I'll look like a douche.

"What, man?"

"I don't want you just rushing in with all this shit." Roxas waves the folder around. We'd changed the folder this morning, so Seifer wouldn't recognize it. Wow, we're really meticulous (and awesome).

"What do you think I am going to say, idiot? Hey Kairi, the guy you like is a fag because he keeps a list of the girls in the school and, when he's done with them, checks them off?"

Roxas sighs. "It's kind of sick. I mean, he even has profiles of everyone in here."

I frown. "What about Naminé?"

His eyes go wide. Aha! He hadn't thought of that, now, had he? Score one for me! How can the dude forget about his _own_ girlfriend? What sort of person does that? I mean, does he _really_ love her?

'Don't be such a moron. It probably just never occurred to him.'

What the hell are you on about?

'The possibility that Seifer is going to target Naminé. It probably never occurred to him because he trusts so much in their relationship. You said it earlier, didn't you? That they are one of _those_ couples.'

... I see. But still, he has every girl in that freakin' thing! He even has Kairi! _Kairi_!

'Repeating her name over and over again won't make it go away, Sora.'

Kairi! Kairi! Kairi! Kairi! Kairi!

"It's here!"

Roxas pauses to read. I look over his shoulder, curious.

(Oh, by the way, we were driving to school and now we're walking to it from the parking lot. In case you are wondering where in the damned world we are, you stalker. I'm not telling you where I live. In fact — wait! I live in Uzbekistan. Yeah... Uzbekistan.)

"Age, name, grade... that's all the stock standard stuff," I say.

"Yeah, but what the fuck is _that_?"

He jabs at the paper. Under all the usual student information, there's a list of her favourite things (like food, sport, movies, etc) and several other (highly) disturbing things that make Seifer seem like a stalker (it looks like you guys have something in common, eh?). Shit, now I wish we could tell _him_ we live in Uzbekistan, so he could leave us the hell alone. That'd be fantastic. We wouldn't have to deal with him again! One douche down, several thousand to go!

"Um, dude, that's fucking creepy."

"Change of plan."

"Change of plan?"

CHANGE PLACES!

It sucks that I am not sitting down right now, because I'd totally be changing places. I am going to have to settle for switching to standing on the other side of Roxas instead.

"We're going to rush in there are tell Naminé the guy her _best friend_ likes is a douche–"

"What? No, no, no!"

"Why not?"

"Roxas, Roxas, Roxas... how are we to explain how we got a hold of this piece of information? We can't tell her we broke into his house and nabbed it. Nor can we explain why we were doing such a thing in the first place. If you tell Naminé, Naminé will tell Kairi, Kairi will get mad and confront Seifer – after confronting me – who will then confront me about the previous confrontation with Kairi. I will have to come up with an expert lie (we both know telling the truth is _not_ an option) and the elaborate lie will probably find its way back to Kairi, who will tell Naminé, who will confront you and, finally, you will confront me. Afterwards, we'll just descend into a Confrontation Circle. We don't want that. That's why we're bros."

"This seems to transcend the 'Bro Code,' Sora."

"_Nothing_ transcends the Bro Code! I don't want to hear that _ever_ being said again!"

"Sora, really, just be realistic—"

"La-la-la-la!"

(I'm ignoring him. It's kind of hard to do without my iPod, but last night I thought I had turned my iPod off, but it just continued to play and play throughout the night. When I woke up this morning, it was freaking dead. That's something to hate, but I'm pretty sure FML wouldn't accept it – maybe Hate Post would? Also, I think Roxas stood on my headphones with his oversized skating shoes. I hate those shoes. I am _also_ going to post that on Hate Post. Or just add it to my hate list, because I'll most likely forget about going on FML and on Hate Post later today. Now that I think about, where is my laptop?)

Roxas pokes me in the ribs — hard.

I turn to glare at him. "_What_?"

The girls come to a halt in front of us. Kairi, looking stunning in a pair of faded jeans and a white t-shirt. Girl knows how to work the 'jeans and t-shirt' look, I'll tell you that much. And she smells so good! Ah, she's so therapeutic for me. I smile lazily at her and she gives me a hug. Oh, mother of God. She's so small, too! And soft. And her hair is all silky. Mmm, would it be weird if I didn't let go?

"Oi, love birds!"

Okay, seriously, who says 'oi'? We are not in Australia or Britain, Roxas. We're in... Uzbekistan. People in Uzbekistan do not say 'oi' at any time in their lives, because only people from Australia and Britain do. If we were in either of those countries, we'd either be riding kangaroos to school every morning or eating sandwiches with cucumber slices in them and saying things like 'dear me.' Except with an English accent, of course. Hey, is Kairi _blushing_? Is that a blush I see adorning her fair cheeks?

'No, you spastic, it's _blush_.'

Like make-up blush? Or embarrassed blush?

'The first kind, Einstein.'

Aw, snap.

"We've got to talk," Roxas says in a serious voice before I can stop him.

I sigh. It's like he doesn't listen to me. I could carve a Sora out of marble – forget that, I could leave the block of marble as is – and place it next to him, and he probably wouldn't even notice and/or care about the lack of input. It's good when I'm sleeping and he's telling me that ... well, something about him and Naminé (I don't know, you see, because I am not listening), but _not_ good when I'm trying to persuade him to not tell the girls about us doing something stupid and reckless.

"No, we don't. Let's all use sign language!"

'_Sign_ _language_? You want to create a diversion, and the first thing you suggest is using _sign_ _language_?'

What? It's a good diversion! We can... we can become one with those unable to talk and/or hear. Like Helen Keller! Okay, so she was deaf and _blind_, but my point remains valid!

'What _point_? This whole debacle seems pointless.'

You're a bitch.

'_You're_ a moron.'

Kairi blinks at me. "Sign language?"

"Yeah! We can raise money for... the deaf and mute?"

Roxas shakes his head, "Can we be serious for a moment?"

"This _is_ a very serious thing, Roxas!"

"Sora, don't be such a—"

"I am being honest! We shou—"

"You're just being ridicul—"

"Am not! You're just—"

"Can you guys please—?"

"Sora, it's not always abou—"

"I don't know what he's—"

"WE BROKE INTO SEIFER'S HOUSE YESTERDAY!"

There's a long silence after this. It's a long, damp sort of silence. I say 'damp' because this description just seems to fit. After all, nobody likes the damp. And this silence was as uncomfortable as the silence that follows when someone you know has just had sex and they come downstairs, thinking you haven't heard them. Then they talk all normally to you, while you're just thinking, 'I totally heard you banging upstairs.' Or as awkward as someone walking in on you while you're masturbating. You know, someone needs to write a book on what to do in awkward situations like the ones listed above, because who the hell knows? I sure don't. It would be a very helpful book indeed. It would probably help me a lot in this situation, right now, because Kairi is staring at me and it is making me feel uneasy and, for some reason, a little turned on.

"What?"

Ah, I am pretty sure Naminé heard us. It is one of _those_ 'what's. The kind that is like, '_what_ did you just say?' But in this really pissed off, disbelieving tone. The tone that is going, 'YOU _DARE_ TO DEFY ME? _ME_?' Yeah, right now Roxas is about three inches tall and Naminé is about three _thousand_ feet tall.

"Um, well, you see—"

"I do _not_ see." Naminé is speaking in this soft, deadly tone. She never raises her voice and her expression rarely vacates the 'happy-and-peaceful' location. She also bought the 'neutral' location, but whenever she gets angry, she has to _rent_ the 'I-want-to-rip-your-lungs-out' spot. "I thought I told you to leave this be?"

Kairi puts her hands on her hips. "What the hell were you thinking, Sora?"

I rub the back of my head sheepishly. To be honest, I wasn't really thinking. Also, getting Kairi angry really takes some provoking. She's usually the 'happy-go-lucky' person, with a side of thoughtfulness. You know, pretty much the perfect personality? That's _my_ girl!

"Well, you know we wouldn't tell if it wasn't something major," Roxas says hurriedly, wanting to skate over the part that requires scolding. "We just would shut the hell up unless it was something big."

"So you'd _keep_ something from me?" Naminé's eyes are slits of blue. Aw, shit. That dude is done for. I should write a eulogy... probably ask him what kind of wood he wants his coffin made out of — or does he want to be cremated? Personally, I'd like a cremation. That way some kids won't come digging up my body while I'm busy decaying and maggots will not get to feed on my flesh. C'mon guys, how freaking disgusting is that? No one _wants_ to be buried when they can be incinerated.

"Look, just lookatthisokay?" Roxas says it all in a rush, shoving the papers at her.

I watch as Naminé and Kairi skim through the papers. Their mouths form a little 'o' as they read on, raising their eyebrows. Part of me feels kinda bad. I mean, we're kinda snitching on him, to be honest. When Roxas and I wanted to break into his house, we just wanted to find some shit out, not rat him out and ruin his rep. Guys don't roll like that, 'kay? Girls may be back-stabbing bitches sometimes, with their complicated emotions and relationships, but guys are easier to read than books. Yeah, ya heard. I'll admit it. I rather be see-through than be more complicated than fucking quantum mechanics.

"Where did you guys find this?" Kairi whispers. "It can't be his!"

I shrug. I feel even worse, now, for ruining the guy she likes so much. Yeah, he's a douche, but she liked him. I feel like he's Spiderman and I'm Doctor Oc, for some weird reason. (He must be the first douche I thought of?) Except I'm not overweight with lots of metal tentacles sprouting from my body. Also I don't wear those stupid shades.

"In his room."

She sighs at me. We both watch as Naminé drags Roxas away from us (probably to neuter him — I'm sorry I couldn't save you, man). Kairi turns to me and folds the wad of paper in half. "What do we do with it?"

"I don't know — what do you wanna do with it?"

In a sudden rush of strawberry, she swishes past me and — before I know it — dumps the papers in the recycle bin (my baby is conscious of our planet!). I stare at her. Okay, why did she do _that_? You know, when you get to know someone real well, after a while you tend to predict their moves. Sort of like in chess, when you've played against your opponent for a while, so you know how they roll? Yeah, like that. Not that I have ever played chess... or was ever in a chess club. Pfft, that's just preposterous! Honestly, _me_, chess? Hahahaha! Er, anyway, then this person comes along and does something you totally don't expect and throws you off your horse. So you're like, wtf? Yeah, that'd be what happened right now. I had expected Kairi to:

1. Confront Seifer.

2. Warn the female population about him.

3. Murder Seifer.

4. Strip for me.

Right, so number four was wishful thinking, whatever. In my head, I am always hoping for number four. Number three was far-fetched, but hey, it could have happened, alright? A woman scorned, my friend, a woman scorned. Chicks have long nails not just to look pretty — those things hurt. Number two is the first thing I would have expected her to do if she did not act on Number one. See? I had a list. A 'What Would Kairi Do If She Found Out Seifer Was A Douche' List.

Lists make things so much easier. They just simplify things and break them down so we understand. It's like our body breaking down carbohydrates — all we want is the sugar and glucose and shit, not all that other crap. My analogies own. I should just, like, write a book or something. Or, better yet, make a _list_!

"Sora, we're never going to talk about this again, okay?"

I'm all good with ignoring crap. I can ignore my phone, my parents and everything that tries to stop me from doing what I want (the exception being my freakin' alarm). It's not that I'm a coward or anything, but it's so much easier to just kick back and smile. Play some Playstation, drink some alcohol, get some hoes—

"Yeah, if that's what you want." I shrug, scratching the back of my head again. "We didn't wanna snitch on him, anyway."

She looks me up and down for a moment in a thoughtful kind of way. Who knows, maybe she was checking me out? "Then why did you break into his house in the first place?"

Lying is not something I like to do. Yeah, I can do it but it's like the same way you will probably kick the bucket if you jump of a twenty-story building — you can do it, but what idiot _wants_ to? (Sorry to all those that are masochistic/emo/insane or whatever the fuck is wrong with you — you need help. The recession isn't so bad, 'kay?) Also, I don't want to lie to Kairi. I really want to tell her that I like her, but whenever I try, the words grow little arms and cling onto my throat.

"Well — er — you see, it's more like..." I cough, looking away from her. "Just checkin' him out, since you like — liked? — him and all."

"Liked."

"Sorry?"

"I _liked_ him," she says, smiling. "Guess... I don't want to be another participant in his sick game."

I glare at the top of the file sticking out of the bin. "Yeah, well, not like he deserves you. Guy's a douche."

Kairi stares at me for a while, before opening her mouth and, then, closing it a few seconds later. I think if she had said what she was supposed to say, we would have finally said something to each other... _about_ each other. I am pretty fucking awesome, I know, but — well — I guess I'm shy. Dude, you're in my _head_. In my head, I can say whatever the hell I want — it doesn't mean I go blabbing about lightsabers and flying in real life. I don't know what you're doing in my head, by the way, but, one day, you're gonna have to leave, because even though I'm starting to like you, it's pretty damn weird.

Roxas sighs next to me. I jump about sixteen thousand feet into the air. When the fuck did he get _next_ to me? Also, _how_? What _is_ this, the future, where people _magically_ fall out of the sky?

"So, we've established something," Naminé says, folding her arms.

Kairi blinks. "What did we establish?"

Naminé looks pointedly at Roxas and he sighs again, looking heavenwards. Whatever it is, I feel like it's not going to be good for us guys. When he doesn't say anything, Naminé turns to us and grins. "I actually got the idea from Sora."

"Me?" I ask incredulously. My face is probably like ':O' right now. With a little 'wtf' nearby. "What'd I do?"

"I made a list."

See? Even _Naminé_ knows that a list makes everything all the more easier. I am such a _good_ _influence_. I should go to kindergartens and give small children talks about the future; I should be interviewed as an 'up and coming youngster' by several well-renown magazines; I should be featured in '_People_' magazine as the World's Sexiest Man and be given big baskets of chocolate and fruit (and then give the fruit to homeless people).

"What kind of list?" Kairi asks curiously.

"The Top Ten Things Roxas and Sora (And Riku – If He Is Present) Are Not Allowed To Do."

My mouth falls open. "The Top Ten things we're _not_ allowed to do? What kind of list is _that_?"

Roxas shakes his head. "I tried, man, I tried to stop her."

"And you failed! What kind of bro _are_ yo—?"

"You have broken the fourth rule on the list by breaking into someone's house."

"Yeah, to save you guys! We're _heroes_! Freaking _heroes_!"

"Wait, Sora," Roxas says in a grave tone. "There's more."

"_More_?"

"Your punishment—"

"_Punishment_?"

"—we're going to watch _The Notebook—_"

"WHAT?"

"—nine times in a row."

_The Notebook_. There are rumours amongst us guys that just by watching that movie, you go gay. See, I don't have anything against gay guys. Nah, you're free to tap whatever the hell you feel like tapping, but I like to tap females. Okay? Not guys. Girls. Our friend, Demyx, watched _The Notebook_ when he was going out with some girl and three months later, he comes out of the closet.

You know, that's a weird expression. '_Coming out of the closet_.' Like, isn't Narnia in the closet? Does _Narnia_ make people gay? Or that half-horse — goat? — dude with the red scarf? It must be him. He probably doesn't have anything 'downstairs' but his horse business.

... How does his kind reproduce?

"I don't want to watch _The Notebook_." I run my hands through my hair. "Do you know what that shit does to guys? _Do_ _you_?"

I don't think the girls know. Otherwise they would not be torturing us like this. What happened to good old thumbscrews and whips? I'll tell you: those BDSM freak shows. Yeah, you heard me! What the hell is wrong with you people? Physical torture is _not_ sexy! And because of you, people view it as a sexual act in this day and age! WHAT KIND OF SEX INVOLVES KNIVES?

"Yeah, well, since you guys actually ended up saving Kairi and I, we might just watch something we all like," Naminé says, smiling slightly.

Roxas punches the air. "I knew my baby wasn't that cruel! I knew it!"

"Excuse me," I say, rolling my eyes. "My baby wasn't even _talking_ about punishment."

"_Your_ baby?"

Oh, crap.

You see, in my head — you should know, you're always in here, listening and stalking — Kairi is already viewed as my girlfriend. I help her carry her stuff when she needs it, we text each other 'goodnight' with smiley faces, I hold open the door for her — all that jazz that comes out automatically when you either _really_ like a girl or she's _your_ girl. Unfortunately, this has been going on for such a long time (about two years, now), that it unconsciously slips out on occasion. (See above for Exhibit A.)

"Er, I mean..." I look at Roxas, who is trying to signal something at me. What is that? He's thirsty? He wants a soda float for lunch? He wants me to build a time machine so I can fast forward to the part in my life where Kairi and I are going out? "Well, I dunno, huh! It just came out." I laugh sheepishly and avoid eye contact.

Sheepish laughter and avoiding eye contact is the equivalent of ignoring somebody — but in a very polite way. The next step is to, of course, change the subject and then act freakishly polite until the whole thing is over and doesn't make you want to stick your head into an oven every time you remember it.

Just as I am about to turn back to Kairi, and probably mention aquariums or radishes, I catch sight of some navy blue hair. The same hair we saw last night/this morning. What were they talking about again? It sounded pretty heated, if I recall correctly. Hm, Aqua, what _were_ you doing at his house last night?

Oh, wait. I should be paying attention to Kairi, Naminé and Roxas. Not staring at some girl and wondering why she was at such a faggot's house last night, presumably arguing with him.

"Dude," I say, before I can stop myself. "What was Aqua doing at Seifer's house last night?"

Roxas frowns. "Yeah... weren't they arguing about something?"

"No!" Naminé holds up her hands. "If you even think about investigating this, Sherlock and Watson, you are going to be violating number eight on the list!"

"Sherlock and Watson?" I'm a little hurt, I must admit. "I thought we'd be way cooler. Like Batman and Robin!"

"Or Sonic and Tails!"

"Mario and Luigi!"

"_Barnacle Boy _and_ Mermaid Man_!"

"You can be whichever dynamic duo you choose to be — as long as it's in the comfort of your own homes," Naminé says warningly.

"Guys, we appreciate what you've done for us, but we can't afford any more trouble." Kairi sighs. "Looks like you two just have to stick this out and stay out of it, okay?"

Ah, Kairi, Kairi, Kairi... You have no idea just how conniving we actually are. We've never been caught once. Okay, _once_. But it doesn't matter because we were young and in costume, so everybody called us the "Hooded Hooligans" for a while until the whole thing blew over. All you have to do is lay low and throw the costumes in someone else's trash can so they are framed. Easy as 3.14. So, I'm sorry we have to cross our fingers as we say this. I truly am.

"Okay, fine."


	6. Time Machine

_??? am, Saturday, location unknown._

_

* * *

_

What's the time, Mr. Wolf?

I don't fucking know.

I don't even know where the _hell_ I am.

See, this is what happens when you succumb to peer pressure. Never give into peer pressure! Never! Otherwise, you end up like me, in some big, mansion with a group of hot girls and Riku. Also with alcohol and miscellaneous drugs I do not care for (HUGS NOT DRUGS, YOU HEARD?). I gather that I… am at a party of some sort. The thumping music, the fuzzy feeling in my head, the bright lights. Yeah, definitely a party. With people I know, too! There's Pence and Olette – oh hey, I think I see Vincent! Weird, what kind of party is this? Vincent doesn't like loud music _or_ alcohol.

Shit, I'd better not look at him. Some say that if you look into his eyes, you turn into a mindless drone that does his bidding for him. Like Yuffie.

Okay, something is tugging on me. Haha, it's kind of annoying! Get the hell off, you tugging monster, get _off_ me–

"Dude, I need to talk to you." Riku slurs, still tugging on my shirt.

I pry him off and nod, motioning for him to lead the way. Riku's more wasted than I've ever seen him – and I've seen him stand on the wall and sing 'One Blood' by The Game in an attempt to show people that white guys _can_ be gangster (it failed horribly). We stuble through the house for a while – why in the name of Jesus does it always get so freaking foggy at parties? Smoke machines do not do anything to improve your vision when you're going for a drunk hookup – and pass a lot of rooms. God, it feels like the whole fucking world is in here. Why is it so _hot_?

"Riku, can we go outside?" I shout to him.

He nods and we make our way to the balcony, not really caring for other people or their possessions, at this time. He pulls aside the curtains and moves some blonde guy and blue-haired chick out of the way, waving them away impatiently. He even tosses his drink onto the floor (and I'm pretty sure that brunette chick passing us by got some on her). Wow, he must be mad.

"What's the matter?" I say, taking a deep breath of fresh air. Oh, thank god for air. I love you, trees. I love you and will never let _The Happening_ ever come true, promise.

"I have s-something to say," Riku says unsteadily. "But you can't be mad, mkay?"

"Why would I be mad–?"

"Just p-promise!"

"Yeah, whatever."

Wait, hold on. How can I just end up here without you knowing how I ended up here in the first place? Dudes, in Harry Potter, no one just skips to that awesome battle at Hogwarts without reading why they battle happened in the first place (in other words, reading the six books that came beforehand). No, no, no. You have to know what happens and therefore have to read in chronological order.

So, to explain all of this, we probably have to go back in time. Yes, back in time, to the sixties!

No, I'm yanking your chain (who would want to go back to the freakin' sixties, anyway?). But I tell you what would be cool: a time machine. Imagine all the places we could go! And all the shit we could stop ourselves from doing! Yeah, don't tell me you have no regrets – there must be something in your life that makes you want to just slam your forehead into a desk. That really hurts, though, so you may just want to facepalm.

Where was I? Oh yeah, back in time – to probably about… Tuesday.

* * *

_8.30 am, Tuesday, parking lot._

_

* * *

_

"What's up?"

I look up from my notebook. I had fallen asleep in both my English periods yesterday, and, as a result, missed all the notes on _The Merchant of Venice_. Shakespeare, that bastard.

Thankfully, I was saved by an angel.

And by that, I mean Kairi.

"Where the hell have you been?" I snap my notebook shut. I'm used to Riku disappearing for a few days. He's just like that – he'll be around for a while and then, suddenly, he won't. Though, I must admit, he's been gone for longer than usual. Don't ask me where he goes, because I have no damn idea. I mean, I've asked him plenty of times (see above), but he just smiles all mysteriously and tells me I should "join him sometime." Not that I ever accept those invitations.

(… I'm kind of scared of what will happen if I say yes.)

"Dude, no need to get so angry." He sighs and leans against Roxas' car. "And as for where I've been: my offer still lies on the table."

"What table?"

"It's a metaphorical table."

"Then I'm going to get a metaphorical axe and chop it up."

"You could have just said no."

_Chop chop chop._

It's not that I'm angry with him or anything. Nah, never. Riku and I have an understanding – we're best friends, we always will be. He gets derailed sometimes, I help him get back on the rails. I do something stupid, he covers. I tell him what I'm thinking, he recommends a psychologist.

He always knows when to draw the line, that's why you can trust him. He's all for fun – even crazy, wild fun – but can still stop it from going overboard without looking like a total douche in front of everyone.

Like, this one time (_not_ at band camp), Hayner tried to stop all these people from dousing all the cars in the parking lot at Wal-Mart in glow-in-the-dark paint. Instead, they all started laughing at him when he told them to be a "little responsible" and "act their ages for once." I mean, who the fuck would _not_ want to have a glow-in-the-dark car? When I become a superhero, my super car will _pwn_ Batman's Batcar. Yeah, you heard me, bitch? What are _you_ gonna do about it?

Anyway, then Riku came along – out of Wal-Mart, apparently – and when he saw what everyone was planning to do, he just went, "Yeah, fine, whatever. I'm way too tired though (plus it seems stupid), so I'm gonna gee. Catch you guys later."

After that, everything sort of boiled down and everyone dispersed. Needless to say, Hayner was never invited out with the 'cool' kids anymore. May his popularity rest in peace.

And that, children, was my first mistake: declining Riku's offer.

_

* * *

11.15 am, Tuesday, cafeteria.

* * *

_

Food. I love food. It is third on my 'Most Loved' list and second on my 'Cannot Live Without' list. Also, it's first on my 'Can't Find At Riku's House' list. I have no idea why, once again. His house is all sharp angles, cold metal and perfectly made beds. I don't think anyone sleeps there. Ever. Not even Riku. Half the time the guy is at some girl's house and the other half, he's on my couch (though, recently, he hasn't really been around). His dad is always working – he's some important businessman – and his mom passed on a few years ago. He hardly ever talks about her. It's kind of rare for Riku to be serious about anything, really.

(I should work on this aspect of him, but he's so goddamned fun the way he is. Also, I still have my testicles and probably don't have a sparkly, pink pony in my backyard. I'm a guy, idiots. Guys don't change other guys – they punch each other on the arm and watch games together. We also drink and talk about chicks. That's it. Nothing else. That stuff alone is worth, like, eight years of therapy.)

This was a particularly good lunch, as I recall. Kairi was sitting right next to me, Roxas had dropped the whole 'let-us-investigate-Aqua' thing (for the meantime), I had two slices of pizza and a popsicle on my tray and Naminé was... being Naminé, I guess.

Yeah, this was the life.

Of course, then a fucking food fight had to break out.

I do not participate in food fights. Don't get me wrong, I will render someone comatose if the need ever arises, but I do not approve of throwing around perfectly delicious food for nothing. What a damn waste! We could be eating the food, you morons, _eating_ it!

"Guys, let's get out of here!" Kairi says, holding up her tray and using it as a shield. "I am not getting pesto in my hair and milk on my clothes!"

Why, baby? 'Cos then you'd have to take those clothes off in a very sexy and highly unnecessary manner? Perhaps you could also take a long, suggestive shower for me, while you're at it–

"Let's go!" Roxas grabs Naminé's arm and darts out of the cafeteria. Kairi turns to me and motions for me to follow her. "Come on!"

I grab my tray and begin to weave towards the door. It was all going very well, I must say. I had dodged everything from fish sticks to pasta – even the liquids had flown right past me.

Then the kid next to me grabbed my pizza.

You know how in _Friends_ Joey doesn't like to share his food? Or in _The Big Bang Theory, _Sheldon hates it when people touch his food? I'm kind of like that. Food is precious to me, okay? What about those starving kids in Ethiopia and Zimbabwe? Who is going to eat for them if _I_ don't? _Who_? Therefore: You. Do. Not. Touch. My. Fucking. Food.

If he hadn't touched my food, the poor freshman wouldn't have ended up with the second pizza slice tattooed onto his face and his hair doused with coke.

That's a lesson for all of you. Do _not_ touch my food.

(There are exceptions; Riku and Kairi, for instance. Kairi, because I would never deny her anything and try to give her everything. Riku, because he's bigger than me and I am unable to stop him. We had a thumb war to decide. He won.)

It was like a bad omen when I decided to decline Riku's invitation (for the millionth time), because at that moment, the Principal walked in.

Whenever the Principal walks in, there's a collective hush. Sometimes, it is because we've been caught doing something we shouldn't (like above, for example). Sometimes, it is because we're about to receive exciting and shocking news, and the school has been buzzing with rumors for hours beforehand. Usually, it is because of the grandness of her amazing bosom.

Today, I would have to say it was a combination of both the first and last reason. (The last reason is always in effect. Always.)

Obviously, she had seen me slap the pizza slice on the freshman's face like it was a plate and I was just serving dinner. I knew what this meant: Principal Lockhart was going to tell Cid.

That was the second mistake I made.

_

* * *

1.25 pm, Tuesday, Chemistry.

* * *

_

"Could you just drop it?" I say angrily to Roxas.

Jeez, the guy was pissing me off now. He kept going on about investigating Aqua. I mean, what the hell is the hurry? Is she going to disappear or something? If she does, then she needs to come back and teach me so I can get Roxas to disappear.

"Look, we have to wait at least a week."

"A week?"

"So the girls forget about it."

"Girls are like elephants, Sora."

"… They can't jump?"

"No, you dolt, they never forget."

I've always found that an odd expression. I mean, how do people know elephants never forget? Were they inside an elephant's brain, one fine day? It just seems weird to say that elephants never forget. People should stick to facts. Things like 'the nails on your favored hand grow faster than the nails of the other hand,' 'Sora is awesome' and 'elephants are unable to jump.'

Roxas probably knows I am thinking all this, so it is no use in saying it out loud. Also, Kairi and Naminé are approaching us, so it is best not to talk about elephants and girls (particularly them). God knows what they will assume. (Probably that their ears are big or that their skin is leathery.)

"Alright, class. Settle down."

My chemistry teacher reminds me of Snape like you will not believe. He doesn't look anything like Snape, but he keeps saying things like him.

"Alright, numbskulls, you will be trying to create a completely neutral solution today. That means the pH will be what, Naminé?"

"Seven, sir."

"Correct. Five points to Ravenclaw."

(I'm just kidding about the last part. He didn't given five points to Ravenclaw – but he did say 'well done' to Naminé, who would so be in Ravenclaw if she went to Hogwarts.)

"Now, you are seniors and we shouldn't be performing such a pathetic experiment today, but because some of you lack the capacity to recall information stored in your brains – or what is left of them – we're going to have to review everything we've done for the last three years."

(Man! At that "some of you lack the capacity" part, Snape would so have been looking at Harry and Harry would have been staring defiantly back. Yeah, you go Potter!)

"Tidus," Professor Snape burst out suddenly. "At the end of this lesson we will add a few drops of your experiment to your beloved baby Peach tree and see what happens. Perhaps that will encourage you to do it properly, this time."

Holy shit. That is like, a line from the freaking book! Where's Hermione? Where's Ron? Come on, I know you guys are here!

I don't know how to explain the next part, really. See, it was because I was talking to Kairi – because she really is the Hermione to my Ron – and at the same time, pretending my pen was a wand (but subtly, so it could be mistook for random, pointless waving). Next thing I know, some of the stuff in Tidus' hands are flying up in the air (WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!) and shatter on the floor.

There is a silence.

Snape looks up at Tidus and I. (You can also call us Ron and Harry.)

"Principal's office. Now."

That was my third mistake: pretending I was a wizard and ending up in the principal's office.

Not that seeing Dumbledore is a punishment in any form. So sucks to Snape.

_

* * *

4.00 pm, Friday, school hallway.

* * *

_

Wait, it's 4.00 in the afternoon and I'm at school? Mind blown. Yeah, look what the fuck happened, because you know I, Sora, would _never_ voluntarily stick around this hellhole filled with a bunch of mentally and emotionally unstable teenagers – some so unstable that they have to be restrained, at times – and wander the school hallways. No sir. This whole thing is one person's fault and one person only.

Because, here I am, holding six thousand pounds of god-knows-what-in-a-box in my hands as I walk around after Cid as he cusses at every inanimate object that dares to defy him (for example: the door). Now you're probably wondering why in the name of Hans Christian Anderson I am with Cid of all people in the world. Am I insane? Oh, I must be insane. Yeah, I must have really fallen down the stairs, out the door and then straight into the fucking rabbit hole.

(Interesting fact, by the way, _Alice in Wonderland_ actually started off when she apparently ate some 'strange mushrooms.' Now, I know what you're all thinking, and it just makes me sad that children do not get to see this little, blonde girl in a blue frock do drugs and hallucinate a purple cat and bunny in a waistcoat. Those Grimm Brothers really knew what they were doing – the Disney versions are just shameful. _Shameful_.)

I'm here because I decided to decline Riku's invitation to go wherever the hell he goes to, which somehow lead to a food fight because rejecting Riku was a bad omen, so the Principal happened to walk into and see me slap pizza in some guy's face for touching my food, therefore I was pretending to be a wizard in Snape's class to cheer myself up and ended up in the Principal's office. Where she assigned Tidus and I two weeks of detention – I had two weeks because of the pizza debacle, Tidus had one (Harry always got the more unpleasant detentions) – with Cid. We had to help him prepare for the "fucking finals." (It's after school hours and he likes alliteration.) That is why I am at school on a Friday afternoon, being 'helpful.'

And the reason I ended up in that unknown house? Well…

"Sir, what else should I get?"

"Nothing, you moron, just get the hell out of my fucking sight." Cid said, chewing furiously on … what _does_ he have in this mouth?

"But sir, I thought Tidus and I weren't allowed to leave until five?"

Cid glares at me. Maybe I should have just left? Yeah, I should have just bolted and kept my jewels intact. Now he's going to rip them out.

"Your dad called – he says he wants you home for some damned emergency. He's in the fucking lot. Now get lost, before I change my mind!"

"Yes, s-sir!" I say, making my way to the exit as fast as possible. I sling my bag over my back and look around for my dad's car. It's weird; it must be a pretty big emergency if he's called–

"Sora!"

I turn.

Riku grins at me, looking very pleased with himself. No freaking way. He bailed me out of detention an hour early! But… for what? I mean, I'm grateful and all, but Riku is pretty damn lazy. He doesn't just do shit for nothing – it's usually 'cos he has a hidden agenda. I know of these hidden agendas because they're not very well hidden.

"Dude, what the hell?"

"Get in!"

"What do you–?"

"Sora, get the fuck in before Cid comes out to light one up and sees this."

I climb in hurriedly, slamming the door shut. I stare at Riku, wondering what the catch is. I mean there has to be a catch. He's like a fisherman (I'm the fish). He casts out in the open sea. I'm swimming along happily, minding my own business, losing my memory every five freaking seconds, then I see some food floating nearby! Wow, what an idiot for leaving food out like that! I take a nip, he reels it in and I'm caught. Hook, line and sinker, my friend.

"Where are we going?"

"I just saved your ass – it's time you joined me."

* * *

_??? am, Saturday, location unknown._

* * *

Now that you're up to speed, we can come back to present time. So, hop in that time travel machine of yours – mine, actually, but you can borrow it – and meet up with me.

"What did you want to say?"

Riku is not the kind to be so serious about stuff (as I have said before). Even if he is piss drunk right now – and maybe high? – I know it's sincere. I don't know what's the worst thing that can come out of his mouth, though…

The Top Five Worst Things Riku Can Reveal To Me:

1. He's gay and in love with me.

2. He wants to become a ballerina.

3. He thinks my sense of style is atrocious.

4. He doesn't want to ever own a platypus with me.

5. He thinks llama farms are stupid.

Of course, it may be good news, too! So, I should probably make a list of The Top Five Best Things Riku Can Reveal To Me.

1. He has had a talk with Kairi and it is confirmed that she is secretly in love with me.

2. He wants us to travel to Japan and train to become ninjas.

3. He knows where the Sasquatch is and wants me to go on an expedition with him to find it again.

4. He's going to buy me a massive mansion with a hot tub, fill it with alcohol, a 42-inch TV, video games and cars.

5. He's made me a sandwich.

"Dude, just go ahead and say it." I roll my eyes.

If I had known what he was going to say, I think I would have stopped him. But if I had known, hearing it again wouldn't have changed it, because I already knew in the first place. And no, it's not anything on the above lists. Though, I must say, it's probably number one on my list of 'Things I Do Not Expect Riku To Ever Say To Me.' If I had made that list, maybe I would have been prepared, but I wasn't, because I didn't. So I blame you for that part. For shame, you awful person, for _shame_.

Riku and I are best friends, as I have said many times before, so it takes a lot for me to feel anything but brotherly love and all that shit towards him. Usually, he's my fallback. The guy that throws me a rope as I'm falling off a cliff – or at least softens the blow – and brings me a pick-me-up whenever I need it. Sure, I might regret it the next day, but he's always there for me when I need him. Nothing could change our friendship.

"I… I slept with Kairi."

Nothing.

* * *

**A/N:** Wow! That's a lot of HP references - sorry for those that don't like the series or whatever, but I am probably going through yet another manic HP phase. So, what did you guys think about this? Any suggestions? I'm all ears (I mean, eyes). Please remember to **review**!


	7. Mitigate

_1.30 pm, Saturday, kitchen._

_

* * *

_

I did what any bro would do: gave him a chance to explain himself.

Honest. I sat down with him, let him pour his heart out to me, let him explain when, how and why – and then I forgave him. We hugged, but didn't cry (guys are physically incapable of crying, fools), made some weird, uncomfortable jokes about 'tapping that' and then moved on together, into the sunset on horseback.

What the fuck do you _think_ I did?

I turned on heel and left before he could say another word.

So what if it sounds rash? Out of the blue? Heartless, even? He broke the damned Bro Code all by himself! What is he going to say that can make it better, anyway? "Sorry, Sora, I just tripped and it happened, man." _NO_. That is what you say when you break someone's favorite mug, not when you screw their best friend and crush of the last sixty million years!

Did you _hear_ what the hell he said to me in the first place?

"I… I slept with Kairi."

First off, Kairi has been acting normal the whole time. She hasn't been all weird, with that guilty look on her face that all girls (except married ones and old ones) – even whores – have on their faces when they have had sex. Don't tell me you don't know that look. It can be fleeting or can last their entire lives – each and every girl has a 'guilty' look. Maybe he's lying? I mean Kairi cannot lie to _me_. Plus, _she_ was the one prancing around saying we were "best friends." Best fucking friends. Don't kid with–

Oh my freaking Jesus.

This is why the whole "Trash Can Incident of '09" occurred. You remember, you idiots, it was only a few chapters ago (in the book we know as 'My Life'). When she threw away that file… didn't think of punishing me in any way at all… that was her way of _apologizing_? What kind of _apology_ is that? I've never seen anything _less_ like an apology (even counting Riku's 'apology dustbin-shaped-like-a-cowboy-boot'). Let me tell them now, no amount of ignored punishment and dustbins in odd shapes are going to get them out of _this_ one. The only thing they could actually buy to rectify what they have done is a fucking amusement park – and even then, things aren't looking good.

I guess we all deal with shock differently. Some people sit down and stare at things for ages, some people work it off on a punching bag, some people eat. There are tons of things you can down to deal with it.

I just ignore it completely.

I keep doing shit – homework, playing Playstation, whatever – so I don't _have_ to deal with it. It's like with break-ups or death: I just ignore it until, hey, suddenly it seems really far away. I don't get over stuff, I get used to it. It's a thousand times easier than crying your heart out with a huge tub of cookies and cream ice-cream (sorry girls, we all know you do this) or punching the stuffing out of a punching bag so heavy, it could roll you into the shape – and width – of a pancake. I'm happy being three-dimensional, okay? Those two-dimensionals don't know _what_ they're missing.

I stare at phone as it begins to ring. What the hell is it this time? 'Storm' by Lifehouse–

Hey! I don't have to do that anymore! No more waking up with a thumping headache, no more getting ditched at parties, no more girl-stealing, no more mockery about the movies I like or the shows I watch, no more detentions because of idiotic things we end up doing together, no more stupid ringtone changing – it's all freakin' gone! I don't have to worry where he strikes next or when, or constantly look over my shoulder for his next "attack." It's going to be–

_Still_, my mind says, _he's been your best friend forever. Are you ready to give that up?_

To give _what_ up? To give up being annoyed and worried? To give up a friend that acts more like a dictator, with me as his country?

I'm pretty sure I can hear my mind sighing. Is that even possible?

_It wasn't all bad, think about it. You've had some good times with him._

This explains why he hasn't been staying at my place or coming over, I ignore my mind completely. But he had to get drunk just to tell me? He couldn't at least grace me with sobriety? I don't know what's worse, the fact that he had to coerce the confession out of himself with alcohol or the confession itself.

_I think you're being a little too hard without hearing the full story._

I don't wan to hear the full story. He's inexcusable. In. Ex. Cus. Able. Batman wouldn't do this to Robin, would he? (Even if Batman was the one getting all the booty.) Harry didn't try and snatch Hermione away, did he? (Though Ron _was_ under the impression.) Princess Leia was not–

Mother of God, what the fuck? Doesn't he get it? I didn't pick up the last fifty thousand times, I'm not gonna pick up now!

(Why did I sound like a whiny, heartbroken girl in that sentence? Let's say it in a manlier tone, with more cussing.)

I didn't damn pick it up the last fifty fucking thousand times, I'm not gonna pick up now, you girlfriend-stealing-bastard!

(Much better.)

_Or you could pick up and use this opportunity to confront him about everything?_

Why would I _want_ to do that? To tell him what a son of a bitch he is? You know, I am going to do that, I am gonna pick up right now and tell him what a douche he is!

_No, wait, that's not what I had in mind, stop–!_

"What?"

"Sora! Finally, jeez, what the hell took you so long?"

Um, why the hell is he acting so casual? What did he think he told me? 'I… I made you an ice-cream sandwich.' No such luck, my boy, no such luck. On top of that, how can you get banging you buddy's crush and ice-cream sandwich mixed up? Retarded, much?

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Look, I know what I said freaked you out last night, but–"

"Freaked me out? Riku, you blew it."

"Blew what? Sora, we can fix this! I didn't mean for it to happen, she was drunk and so was I. I don't think she even remembers (though she has been ignoring me for a while, now). Dude, I get that it was my fault – I took advantage of her when she was drunk – but please, you've got to understand–"

"Understand _what_? That out of the billions of girls on this planet, you have to go for the one _I've_ been in love with since I had a heart? The one that is currently _my_ best friend?"

"Sora, please, we're bros, we can–"

"We're not, Riku."

"Not… what?"

"We're not bros. Not anymore, at least."

"… Sora. We've been best friends since kindergarten. Since we were born. Are you really just going to let some girl get in between us?"

"'Some girl,' Riku? She's _the_ girl. The girl I think about marrying, the girl I think about even having small, annoying children with, just because it will make her happy, the girl I never want to see cry or get hurt, the girl that's my everything, even if she doesn't know it. She's not 'some girl' to me."

"I… I never knew, man."

"Well, now you do." I say, just before hanging up on him.

_

* * *

11.45 am, Sunday, outside _Starbucks_.

* * *

_

Well, here I am.

(Where, exactly? Um, third rock from the sun, that's where I am. In UZBEKISTAN. On… Daffodil Avenue, outside Starbucks, waiting. Er, yeah. That's where I am.)

I am waiting for Kairi.

I know what you're thinking: why am I not mad a Kairi?

Truth is, I kind of am. I'm just playing it cool. I want to ask her why, first off, why the _hell_ would she go and do something like this? She's the pure one, the good one. Everyone likes Kairi, because she's so calm and level-headed. But then she has to pull something like _this_. God, it makes me angry. Also… it makes me kinda sad. I always figured, in my head where she's my girlfriend already (as you know, Stalker that I have named 'Arnold'), I would be her first. I'm pretty perverted in my head, yeah, but it's not like I go around doing that stuff to girls. 'Girls are fragile,' my mother always told me, 'when it comes to sex.' (Okay, so this was my messed up 'sex talk,' but it did teach me many things.) 'You never rush them, never pressure them. They're different from boys, kiddo, so you have to be patient, okay?'

And I am. I don't ask girls to have sex with me or perform other, strange sexual activities (such as wearing an astronaut suit and pretending there's "no gravity," like Riku); I have to let them take their time. The nice guys are the liked guys, am I right?

"Sora?"

By God, she looks at breathtaking as ever. And smells as lovely, too. That strawberry scent never fails to calm me. It's like weed, only a thousand and sixty-four times better. (Drugs are bad children and remember to _always_ brush you teeth and eat your vegetables, no matter how funky they may look.) She makes that sweater dress she's wearing look like it belongs on a runway.

Wow, I'm whipped.

I nod at her, but my ice thaws a little bit.

"Do you want to go inside?"

I nod again. Christ, I don't have to nod and nod until I become one those annoying bobbly-head things people put on their dashboards. They just look stupid, guys, please get rid of them. Don't even bother giving them to charity, because the kids will just burn them. And laugh while doing it. Like, "Muahahahahahahahahaha!" Though, I have noticed that Roxas has a different evil laugh. It's more like, "Fufufufufufufu!" What _is_ that? 'Fufufu'? _Foo_? Is he being gangster or just unable to say the word 'food'? You gotta worry about that guy, sometimes.

She sits across me once we've got our drinks and heaves a sigh. Hey, we must look like a couple! Pat on the back, pat on the back! But… I can't really pat myself on the back, so: mental pat on the back, mental pat on the back and a mental high five! Whoo!

"Sora, Riku called me."

Oh, is that what she is here to talk about? Mm, my, I didn't realize that at all. She can't even make small talk? It would have been nice to talk about the weather a little bit. I mean it's so cloudy! Bit weird for early August, yeah? What's up with that? Do you think 2012 is approaching faster than ever? Plus, the weatherman said–

"I know he's taking the blame for everything," Kairi twirls her coffee in her hand anxiously. "But it's my fault too, Sora, and I feel like such an idiot!"

–that there is going to be rain tomorrow, quite shocking! Maybe I should wear a sweater to school tomorrow. Oh, by the way, that sweater dress looks really good on you! Aw, you're welcome. Hey, thanks! My mom bought me this jacket – she said it 'brought out my eyes,' whatever that means. Huh? Haha, you're really nice Kairi. She's good, so is my dad. They just–

"I'm so sorry, Sora. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world, especially since that was my first time and I can't even remember it properly now!"

–bought a new TV for the house. Yeah, you should come visit, some time, it would be nice. My mom and dad miss you heaps. You know how they always joke we should get married and stuff, haha! Same with your parents? Aw, shucks, they really do think we should, huh?

"S-Sora, please don't ignore me," She reaches out for my hand suddenly. "I don't know what to do and who to talk to. I know Naminé would just get angry and I kind of want this whole thing to… disappear."

Crap. I can't ignore her when she's about to cry. And she still looks stunning while her eyes are filled with tears – more so, even. I hate seeing her cry, I hate it. She can't cry because of me, especially. I promised I'd never let that happen (along with the end of the world – I WILL SAVE US ALL!)

I sigh. "Why didn't you tell me, Kairi?"

She blinks for a moment, looking startled, like it never occurred to her. Well, great 'best friends' we are, I say. Must get the prize this year!

"Because he's your best friend – I didn't want to ruin that."

"But more important than that is _you_," I say, a little shaper than necessary. "You're supposed to tell me anything and everything."

"I know, I know…" She lowers her eyes. I can't help but notice our hands are still liked. More mental celebration, thank you very much.

"How and why did it happen, anyway?" I don't know if I was asking out of curiosity or concern, but I asked it anyway. Maybe it was a combination of the both?

Kairi shakes her head. "I… I guess, I was feeling worthless. My parents just divorced, everything is turning upside down. On top of that, we're seniors and I don't even know what I want to be. It all seemed like too much at the time and I wound up asking Riku if I could come to one of the parties he goes to." She takes a deep breath. "I ended up drinking so much – people even tried to get me to do drugs – and after a while, I just felt sick. I wanted to cry and just be alone, so I went upstairs. Riku found me a while later, saying it was time to leave… then, I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. I got up the next morning, with him, and I just felt even worse. I hate myself, Sora, more than ever, now."

If that did not melt your heart, then you are a cold, heartless bitch, Arnold. This is the equivalent of 'I have a dream' to me. Martin Luther King Jr. would be _so_ proud of Kairi, so damn proud! Plus… all that, it seems sincere. And why didn't she tell me she was feeling this way? Jeez, what does the term 'best friend' mean now? 'Person that is on display for world to see, but not interacted with in private.' Er, that's a pseudo-girlfriend/boyfriend, used for revenge, my friend. Duh.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I say. "I would have been there for you – you could have come to _me_."

"But I a-always burden you w-with my pr-problems!" Kairi wipes her tears away. (Luckily, I am prepared this time. Thank you, Starbucks, for your napkins! You save all the boys that are trying to woo a girl and are forgetful, sometimes, so they do not buy tissues and such!) I present her with a napkin and she wipes them away, smiling faintly. "I didn't want to do that… not again."

I groan. "You frustrate me so much, Kairi! I'm your best friend – you come to me with anything and everything, no matter what."

"But sometimes, doesn't it feel more than best friends?" She blurts out suddenly.

I stare at her for a moment.

Kairi is saying the words I've always wished for. The kind of words that make you see hope, make you see the light. Oh, blessed Father, how I love thee. God, you always watch out for the little guys, don't you?

"More than sometimes." I say quietly.

We lapse into silence.

Fifteen minutes later, we're strolling down the street, still in that silence. It's not exactly awkward, it's just… quiet.

_Great adjective, dumbass. We really understand how you feel now!_

Oh my God. Is my mind on _your_ side, Arnold?

We sit on a bench near my apartment. I glance at her. She looks a little bit shocked and still rather sad. I resist the urge to just reach out and grab her (down boy, down!). I would just love to hug her, now. She would feel so amazing in my arms.

"Sora, please forgive him."

Him? Him, who? Oh, Riku! Er, no.

"Kairi, it's more complicated than you think."

(OH MY JESUS. MY FRIENDSHIP WITH RIKU HAS BECOME MORE COMPLICATED THAN QUNATUM MECHANICES. NO! SAVE ME, GOD, SAVE ME!

_God: Sorry, little guy, you've used up all your miracles for today!_

I said 'God,' not 'mind.' Go away, you. You fail at emotions. You're as cold as metal and as icy as the Ice Queen from _Narnia_.

… _You've hurt my feelings._

You have no feelings!)

"Complicated how? Sora, it is my fault just as much as his, but you're not as angry at me!"

"You just don't get it!"

"What don't I get? I'm a _girl_, Sora! Girls are as conniving and complicated as they come!"

"You're a _girl_, not a boy, okay? Just leave it alone."

"No! It's my fault, I am the one to blame because I mean nothing, _nothing_, okay? I am worthless! Even more so in comparison to Riku!"

"Don't say that–"

"Why, because it's _true_?"

"It's _not_ true, Kairi!" I fire. "You're my damn _everything_, so it just can't be true!"

There's another silence.

Our silences are usually long and crackling with tension because Kairi and I usually have weird fights about things like sour cream and soufflé. 'Crackling' is a weird word, isn't it? Sort of makes me think of electricity in my mouth, for some reason, making little exploding noises. I could totally defeat anyone if I could shoot electricity out of my mouth at them. Riku would be gone like _that_! Though, I have always wanted to fly and control fire. And maybe water. Maybe telekinesis would be good, too? Like Kenshi from Mortal Kombat! Oh yeah, baby, it is _on_! On like a prawn that yawns at dawn while watching–

Strawberry.

She tastes like strawberry when she kisses me, like I've always thought (and a little bit of coffee, I guess). And she's soft, too. Soft and silky, like she's just gliding her lips over mine, when she's actually, really and truly kissing me. It's a deep kiss, too. The kind of kiss where your hands end up bringing her closer and you run short of breath when you come up for air (especially when she does it like that, all unexpected-like).

She pulls away. Now my cheeks are wet, because this girl's been crying. _Crying_. Why is she crying? Did that kiss make her sad? Am I a bad kisser? Everyone says I'm a good kisser! People hear rumors about my kiss – they call it the Stunner. You know why? Because I knock your socks off, babe. You won't speak a word after my lips have been on yours, no missy.

"Why are you crying?" I ask, confused.

"Because," she buries her head in my shoulder. "You j-just make me so h-happy!"

Dang, this girl sure knows how to turn on the waterworks (but doesn't know how to turn them off, evidently).

"But you don't have to cry." I say, stroking her hair. Oh God, I have Kairi in my arms. Kairi just kissed me. Oh yes, this must be the best day of my life. Take that, you heartless mind (and you too, Arnold, if you were rooting for my loss)! I have WON. One of my life goals has just been accomplished. I must deserve a prize or a medal or something. Wow, I probably can't think straight. My thoughts feel like – General Toby! – wicked singing, too – must have been a big tomcat? – wow, that looks like fun! – take me to the rollercoaster shaped like a cow or else – who's our new teacher? – that's funny, I _hate_ fluffy shoes! – must have been noodles, then – our new neighbors are cool – don't take my food, idiot! – come back, big dog! _Back_!

(Whoa.)

"Sora, I _don't_ want to be best friends," Kairi says, looking up at me suddenly. "I only said that because I was really afraid you wouldn't like me–"

I start laughing. "Good thing too, because I've loved you since the day I met you at that palm tree."

"_Our_ palm tree?"

"Yeah, our palm tree."

"… Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrug. "I don't know, you know me. I'm just like that."

"I… thank you."'

"Thanks for what?"

"You just really make me feel like I'm loved, Sora," She smiles weakly again. "I really need that, right now, so thank you."

"You're welcome, I guess?" I kiss her cheek. Just because I can. Yeah, you read that right, bitches. Because I _can_. Whoop Whoop!

"But," Kairi says, pulling away. "I still want you to make up with Riku."

Make-up? Like, 'kiss and make up'? Who does she think I am? Or, what does she think I am? A girl? Guys don't do that. If we fall out, it's for a reason. We have solid friendships, like concrete. If it's breaking, you gotta know something big's shaking. (That rhymed! It could be a really cool slogan for something of which I am not sure yet!)

"Look," I say. "This is something you just have to give time. Riku knew I liked you, which makes it all the worse–"

"He _knew_?" Kairi says in shock.

"Kairi, the whole world must have known."

"Why didn't he tell me?" She pouts. Gosh darnit, she looks amazing when she's pouting. I'll have to take a rain check on the kiss, unfortunately. (Sad face here, please.)

"Because that is what best friends do? I mean, ex-best friends, now." I correct myself.

"He was drunk too, Sora." Kairi says gently. "And you're _going_ to miss him."

"That's no excuse, he knew Kairi, he _knew_," I look away. "He broke the code, so he's got to live with the consequences."

"It's odd," Kairi says, tapping her chin. "Riku sleeps with me when we're both drunk, yet you cut off your friendship with him and started dating me."

Dating, she said?

"Well, you just gave your reason. Riku needs to have a damned good one if he wants to get out of this situation, too." (Or buy me an amusement park the size of where we live. Which is Uzbekistan, just so you remember Arnold.) "And does that mean you _don't_ want to date me?"

"It doesn't mean that!" She says hastily. "I was just observing!"

"Yeah, well, the observation–"

Fuck, my phone. How dare you, you tiny piece of machinery, interrupt like this? How _dare_ you? I will tear you limb from limb! Or… top half from bottom half! All Hulk-style, moron, _Hulk-style_! (Insert terrifying, prolonged 'roar' here.)

"Hello?"

"Sora?"

No, it's your Aunt Cassandra. How are you, dear?

"What, Roxas?" I say, a little annoyed.

"Riku's left."

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, the shocks just keep on coming don't they? What insane person is writing this thing, anyway? :P So, what did you guys think? Kairi and Sora finally letting out some emotions (well, mostly Kairi) and Riku taking off. Look like those two are going to need each other, wouldn't you say? If you have any suggestions, please tell me. Also, please remember to **review**!


	8. Insomnia

_3.30 pm, Monday, ca__fé outside school._

* * *

Have you ever had a time in life where you really liked a particular food? Liked this food so much, you would go through hell just to get it and sink your teeth into its succulence? Let's call this food a pie. A delicious, warm pie that everybody loves and no one can get enough of.

Then, along comes a big, bad wolf that huffs and puffs. Next thing you know, he's blowing your house down while you're in the kitchen, busy tucking into the pie you've tried to get your mitts on for so damned long that it feels like eternity turned into a slut, had fifteen children, and you had to go through them _all_.

Can you _enjoy_ the pie while the wolf is blowing down your house? No. You just have to shove the whole thing down your throat in one big gulp, without tasting it at all. Is that _enjoyment_ to you? Hunger, maybe, but not enjoyment. I mean, after you've gone through so much to procure the freaking pie, this has to go and happen! The fucking big, bad wolf!

(In case you dimwits haven't caught on, the above story is just a little metaphor explaining what's going on in my life right now. Kairi being the pie and the situation at hand being the big, bad wolf. Yes, I am amazing, let's move on, Arnold.)

"Have you heard from him?"

I sigh. Why, yes Roxas! I was on the phone with him a few seconds on, asking about the weather in Spain! Didn't I tell you? Riku's in Spain right now, tapping some ass, drinking it up, doing some drugs. How silly of me not to tell you, really! Let me just call him now and tell him you said hey, okay?

"No." I say through gritted teeth. "Seeing how we left things off, it's unlikely he'll call me, right?"

Kairi flicks open her phone and hits speed dial. She has Riku on speed dial? Well, I'm the first number she has on there, so I suppose I should feel loved. But… Riku.

I put my fork down.

(The big, bad wolf has officially ruined my appetite. A feat some say is impossible. But, there you go!)

Riku. He just took off.

I mean, really, we're used to him taking off and then landing his plane in our airport a few days later, but this time he left a note. Not as his house (who lives at that house? A creepy vampire in a coffin? Frankenstein? No humans, that is for sure), not at any of his relatives' houses, but on my door. Roxas was the one who came across it (hence the phone call). He'd be idling his way up to my place – Naminé was at her cousin's for the weeked – when he noticed something stuck on the door. It wasn't an octopus, he said, but a note.

(An octopus? _Really_? First off, what the fuck? Second off, why would someone stick an octopus on my door – and how? And lastly, what the fuck? I tell you, something is slightly off with Roxas. He's my bro and all, but his mother _must_ have dropped him on his head as a child – a few times, at that.)

I'm here, busy trying not to let any of the shock sink in. See, if it sinks in, if I really realize that there will be no Riku to mess with my hair, call me 'kiddo' and drag me into a shitload of stupid things, I will spaz. I will freak out and lose my mind, because it _cannot_ be true. He can't just _leave_. What sort of person just _leaves_? Does he think this is _Dawson's Creek_ or _The OC_? This is fucking Uzbekistan! This is real life! THIS IS SPARTA! You don't just _leave_ your best friend, no matter _what_ fucked up thing you have done. No matter what!

I mean… he's not allowed to just leave me.

_Hello Arnold, I'm Sora's mind. I'm going to point this out because Sora is too distraught (and sometimes too stupid) to really function: he _has_ realized Riku's gone and is _not_ taking it well. He _is_ spazzing and freaking out, but internally. Wait until it gets external, children, and you will be mind blown. I wouldn't be surprised if that big, shiny key makes a special appearance or something._

I sigh again and lean back in my chair. I don't really know what to expect or what to think. How do I react right now? Angry, because he slept with the love of my life? Sad, because he's left? Vice versa? I don't know, _I don't know_. On top of all this, we have our common tests coming up in a few days. You know, they say some people strive under pressure, but I really don't. I hate pressure. I like it when everything is going all smoothly and everybody's happy. Not when things are like this, all–

"Sora, are you with us?"

Evidently not.

"Mm, sorry, what were you guys talking about?"

"Look, our tests are coming up in two days," Naminé says, leaning forward. "We really should be studying for these, you guys know that. But at the same time… Riku…"

I will just insert here that Riku is not particularly close with Naminé or Roxas. In fact, the latter holds a slight grudge against him for flirting with Naminé on several occasions. The two of them are probably just doing this for us (by that, I mean Kairi and I). See, that's _friendship_ for you. We could be like _The_ _Breakfast Club_! Only not as gay. And way more awesome, with better style. Plus, I don't think Roxas and I get up for breakfast during breaks and weekends, so this idea seems pointless. (You can probably tell I have no idea what _The_ _Breakast Club_ is – I just like the word 'breakfast' because it makes me think of orange juice and such delicacies that are eaten at this time. 'Breakfast'!)

"We know he means a lot to you two," Roxas says, fidgeting with his cutlery. "So we'll try our best and do what we can, okay? I think we should just focus on our tests right now, do some last minute cramming. Then, during Fall Break, we're going to look for him."

It was probably hastily thought of and scrapped together. Hell, I bet if we thought about it more, we could come up with a better one! But right now, it's the only plan we've got.

_

* * *

1.26 am, Tuesday, bedroom.

* * *

_

I fucking hate these tests.

_

* * *

3.40 am, Wednesday, bedroom.

* * *

_

Die, bitches that force us to go to school, _just_ _die_!

_

* * *

8.30 am, Thursday, hallway.

* * *

_

"You okay, Sora? You don't look so good." Kairi frowns at me, reaching up to take my temperature.

I'm so tired, I can barely marvel at her beauty even at a time like this. I oath to God, this girl is as flawless as marble. And she keeps telling me all she does is 'take a shower.' Yeah, take a shower. In strawberry-flavored awesome… something!

_Hi, this is his mind again. Sorry about him, he's under so much of stress that he can't even utilize his imagination properly. I'll get to work on it right away, Arnold, never fear._

"I'm fine," I say gruffly. "I've just been studying."

Kairi smiles at me. "Well, knowing you, Sora, you'll probably get the highest marks in the grade again."

"We'll see about that." Naminé says softly, putting some books away in her lock. "Do you accept the challenge, Sora? Take the Coke if you do, the Pepsi if you don't."

She holds out the cans and grins.

Naminé and I have had this on-going battle for the last two years. I win ninety percent of the time. It's not because Naminé's stupid or anything – Jesus, girl gives me a run for my money, sometimes – but because she always seems to fall short by a margin of up to five percent in each test and exam. Believe me, I enjoy every moment that I get to gloat and use them well.

I reach for the coke, grinning. "Sure you're ready for this, Naminé?"

"Bring it, Sora." Naminé says, turning around and heading to homeroom. Roxas passes her in the hallway and watches and she crumples a juice carton in her hands furiously, before throwing it into a dustbin (with a _lot_ more force than necessary). He carefully avoids her. (Even _he_ knows the pre-test Naminé is something to be feared. No one is safe.)

He approaches Kairi and I cautiously. "So… I take it you took the coke?"

"Yeah," I say, taking a sip. "Great girl, really. I didn't get to have coffee this morning."

"Well, she spent about three hours trying to get the Matrix thing down, so remember to drop some kind of line." Roxas says in an undertone.

I honestly have no idea why he is whispering. What, is his girlfriend going to hear from across the hallway? That's Vulcan hearing for you, she should get a prize. And probably be experimented on.

"Students, please report to your respective homerooms. The tests are about to commence."

I glare at the PA system. That thing always delivers bad news. Usually it was being saying shit about "Sora and Riku" needing to come to the office–

Hey, Riku needs to take these tests. I panic for a moment, glancing around like I might see him somewhere. The guy's pretty sharp and he wants to be an engineer – this is his final year, he can't just skip out whenever he feels like it. I turn to say this to Kairi, but she pecks me on the cheek hurriedly and wishes me luck before scurrying to homeroom. Roxas taps me on the shoulder, "Let's go, man."

I fall into step with him. "Dude, what about Riku?"

"Let's try this new thing where our questions _aren't_ ambiguous, Sora."

Whoa. No need to bite my head off, monster from under my bed.

"I mean, doesn't he need to take these tests?" My voices lowers to a whisper as we take our seats. "He can't just _not_ write them!"

"Uh, I kinda think he's doing just that."

I frown and forget to listen to Cid as he rattles off a list of our student numbers and the rooms in which we are writing. You don't just throw away your future because of something one guy said to you, right? I mean I'm just _me_… (Though I kind of do get that, because I'm _so_ awesome.) He can't have taken it _so_ seriously that's he skipped the country, right?

"–now get lost, you morons! Go right them damn tests, now!"

The class scrambles for the doorway, not wanting to be caught in Cid's rage (or whatever the hell he is feeling today). Unfortunately, because I was so deep in thought, I kind of forget to run and ended up sauntering my way to the doorway, where Kairi, Naminé and Roxas were all trying to get me to move faster, but without speaking. Really, we should all just learn sign language like I suggested before so this confusion does not ensue on a daily basis–

"SORA!"

I jump violently. "S-Sir!"

Oh shit.

"What the fuck is picking your brains, son?" He looks me over, crossing his arms. He reverts to his usual, cussing self when he's in the presence of five students or less. "If I know you, kid, you don't spend your freaking time lost in damn thought."

"Sir," I say, sighing a little. "It's just Riku. I don't know where he is or anything, so I'm sort of worried about his future–"

Cid lets out his bark of a laugh. "His _future_! You two must be the best of freakin' friends! Let me tell you now, kiddo, whatever crap is happening, it's not worth losing it. Aren't you two idiots always joined at the hip, anyway?"

I smile slightly to myself. "Yeah, we are."

* * *

_2.46 pm, Thursday, parking lot._

* * *

"I don't know!" Naminé squeals, rifling through her papers in a rush. "I don't think I calculated the amount of moles correctly! I just _know_ I got that whole question wrong!" She casts me a look, "What did _you_ get?"

Now, I had heard her telling Kairi earlier on that she got an answer of 3.1 moles (which _is_ the correct answer), but you know how I love to mess with her.

I grin at her from the passenger seat. Naminé had insisted on sitting in the backseat with Kairi because she "needed to have someone calming beside her." Hey, how's this for you, Naminé: try being next to your _boyfriend_, maybe? Could you please let me have _my_ girlfriend back? Kthnxbai.

"Oh, I got 2.5. Strange, which one of us calculated wrong, do you think?" I say languidly.

Roxas shakes his head, smiling. "Sora."

I examine my fingers idly. "It's the most fun I've had since the stupid test week commenced, okay? Give me a break."

"I would, bro," he says to me quietly. "But then _I _wouldn't catch a break, later on."

Oh, I see what he did there.

Well, now it's Fall Break. Which doesn't mean, strangely enough, one and a half weeks of bliss with my girlfriend and company, but one and a half weeks of combing every possible place for Riku. His dad has already alerted the police, but it's all very low key. We've decided to take this matter into our own hands anyway. The Fuzz will probably just drag us down – we're lone rangers, I tell you, _lone_ _rangers_.

"So, where do we look first?"

I grin at the girls and pull out a map. I earlier drew up a list called Top Ten Palces Riku Could Be. On that list were several places Riku frequented (clubs, girls' houses, places he liked to eat, places where he could find models of ponies since they don't have them here, in Uzbekistan) and then used it to draw up a map I have entitled the "Riku Positioning System" otherwise known as "RPS." It's not electronic yet, but we'll get there, 'kay? 'Kay. The map basically highlights the 'hotspots' and whatnot; there's even a key that allows you to predict the probability of Riku being in the area.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm fantastic, sexy and should probably be given several million, er… _som_. But, wait! There's more! Act now and I'll throw in a free poster of Riku! _Mind blowing_, folks! That's a three hundred som value for just three hundred and ninety-nine som!

"Wow, Sora, you spent a lot of time on this," Naminé says, rifling through the maps.

I nod at her. "Thank you, Morpheus."

Naminé stops in shock. "You noticed?"

"Well–"

Roxas nods seriously.

"–it was hard not to."

Naminé turns to Kairi and smiles. "See, I _told_ you Sora would see the underlying message, there."

I look up just as we're getting out of the car and see a flash of navy blue. Well, there's only one person and I know with such strangely colored hair. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dying your hair (but when you have luscious, natural locks like these, in that perfect chocolate-brown color, who _needs_ dye?). Some people have some awesome colors going on, seriously. Though Sephiroth may need to turn down the whole 'silver' look. Dude, it just makes you look old, okay? (I'd never go up to him and say that, that is why I am saying it here. I like my face in the shape it is and my testicles where they are, thank you very much and goodnight. Plus, Riku's hair is also silver – but he didn't dye it. He's _au naturel_.) Still, this girl seems to be involved with some shady stuff – from what Roxas and I have deduced – and she seriously needs to get a new hair color if she doesn't want to be spotted all the time. Though… have you noticed how _obvious_ Waldo's dressing is? Yet it's so freakin' _hard_ to find that bastard. He must borrow Harry's cloak now and then, I'm sure.

I nudge Roxas and nod my head in her direction surreptitiously. His eyes widen briefly before turning to the girls.

"Hey, we're just gonna go get something to eat, we'll be back now, 'kay?"

"Oh!" Naminé says, stopping with her hand on the door. "Would you like us to come?"

I give Kairi my keys. "Nah, we'll be back soon."

I must admit, I kind of feel like a douche for lying to Kairi. She and Naminé were the ones that said we weren't allowed to snoop around. But somehow, I can't help myself. It's like there is some kind of _pull_.

Plus, I totally blame Roxas.

We dart after her as soon as the girls get on the elevator (I hope they don't get stuck with some muscular, scary man, rapping about _how_ they're stuck on the elevator – find something worth rapping/singing about, my friend, not damn elevators. What's next, escalators? '_The esca-esca-lator is stuck! Why don't we, why don't we take the stairs? 'Cos the esca-esca-lator is stuck!')_. She's walking kind of vaguely, like she doesn't know where she's going. Roxas pulls out a pair of glasses, baseball cap, contacts and a beanie. (You know how in movies and cartoons and shit, where they pull out stuff three times their size from no where? Yeah, Roxas just did that. One question: what in the name of Jesus Christ?)

"Put these on, quick!" He says, shoving the baseball cap and glasses into my hand. He slips the contacts into his eyes and pulls on the beanie. Oh, so that's why he gave me the glasses – he knows I can't put on contacts without a mirror. Aw, what a fantastic friend. (Also, the color of the contacts are green, and he knows how much I love my own eye color.) "This is in case she turns around, we have a chance of not being recognized."

Fucking assassin, Arnold.

Aqua takes a sharp turn down some alley and starts to walk with more conviction. Maybe something told her she was being followed – maybe she has super powers that allow her to see through her lead, like mothers and teachers?! – but she really did start to speed up and take some hectic paths. Left, right, down this avenue, up, right, left, left, down–

I totally lost track. Roxas, on the other hand, kept using little pieces of chalk to mark areas where we took turns, etc. They were imperceptible to anyone who happened to pass. (I'm so proud of him.)

Eventually, she stops outside some kind of rundown club – there's trash, old cardboard boxes and shit everywhere. It's like a hobo haven. She pulls out a cell phone and dials, nervously tugging on the end of her scarf, pulling lose threads here and there.

"Hello?"

Roxas and I glance at each other.

"Yeah… yeah, I'm here. Uh, no. He hasn't – he said he would. Maybe he's just late?"

The person on the other end gives Aqua an earful. She holds the phone away from her, slightly, and looks annoyed, like it's her mom lecturing her on the other. Who knows? It may just be that, and Roxas and I are truly chumps for being so stupid as to believe that there might be something else going on, here.

"Look, Seifer–"

Roxas pinches me. Hard. Yeah, thanks a lot you imbecile, like I _really_ needed that. I'm not _deaf_, for Christ's sake! We're looking at and listening to the _same_ girl here!

"–I'm trying! You don't have to keep getting mad – aren't you the one that said I should stop this whole thing, anyway?"

What thing, what thing, _what_ _thing_?!

"Well, he's a loyal customer now."

Uh… is she some kind prostitute? I mean, if she needs money that badly, she can inform the school and they help you out. Or she could, you know, try getting a proper job or something. I have nothing against hookers. Seriously. I respect them. And their work?

"What? How can you _not_ trust him? In this job, there's no _trust_ involved. Everyone is looking for the same thing."

Yup, definitely getting money for sex.

"He will be here soon. He stopped coming here, so he needs to play it low."

Seifer says something for a long time, again. Jeez, the guy talks so much. Why can't this be like a manga or some TV show, where the character says something that's a dead giveaway and probably wasn't meant to be said? Sort of like, 'Yes, our customer, named (whatever) is this old and he is buying (whatever) from us, because that is what our company sells, oh person that is also in our company named (whatever). We sell (whatever)! I am coming to your house now, person named (whatever) from our company called (whatever), selling (whatever). You live (wherever), just telling you in case you do not remember where you live, person named (whatever)!'

They never do that anymore. Such a shame.

"Um, okay. Okay. Yeah, I'll be there. Bring the stuff, okay?"

That sentence in an obvious TV show and/or manga would be like, 'Um, okay. Okay, person named (whatever) living (wherever) with an ID number of (whatever) running a company dealing with (whatever)! I will be (wherever)! Bring the (whatever) that we need for our (whatever) company, person named (whatever), whose mother's maiden name is (whatever)!'

But no. Now it has to all mysterious and complicated with a strange plot that people get confused about and think, 'Hey, what's this got to do with anything?' I ask you, Arnold, what the hell _does_ this have to do with anything?

She hangs up and loiters near the door way for a moment. I am itching to know what's going on. Who is she waiting for? Why? What company is she talking about? What involvement does Seifer have in this? How did he get involved?

A few minutes later, she gets another phone call. We didn't hear some obnoxious, give-away tune that would help us in the future or anything (unfortunately). It was probably on vibrate, because she just answered it and said, "Hello?"

Girl is wearing some _sly_ _boots_, I say, Arnold. Keep your eyes peeled. (Ew, I have _no_ idea why I said that. Sweet sister, mother of mercy, now I cannot stop thinking about peeled eyes. Ugh, I kind of want to throw up. I hate that stupid expression, I hate it and want to chop the person up who invented it, so I can toss their body into an inferno and serve grilled human to some man-eating panther. Take that, you freak.)

"Yeah, where are you? … Oh. Yeah, I'm here. Uh, are you sure, I mean, is that _wise_?"

Stop. Being. So. Dang. Confusing. And. Taciturn. You. _Bitch_. Of. A. Ninja.

"No! Yeah, that's fine. I'll be waiting."

She hangs up and starts walking to where Roxas and I are standing, right behind a big pile of boxes near an empty road. We both panic for a moment, flailing and making some hand gestures that help neither of us in anyway. (Sign language is _so_ going on my list of Things I Need To Learn In Order To Make Life Easier.) He makes me lean against a wall and pulls out a cigarette. What the hell, Roxas doesn't _smoke_. He puts it in his mouth and then hands me a cell phone.

"Pretend you're on it." He mutters. "It's turned off so it won't ring in the middle of your 'conversation.'"

I start having a 'conversation' with Imaginary Kairi in my head. It may sound stupid, but it's usually the only thing that works when I have to do crap like this. Plus, Imaginary Kairi is a great girl, _almost_ as awesome as Real Kairi.

We watch Aqua carefully. She glances at us, but seems to disregard our presence as Roxas inhales and exhales, a puff of smoke floating around us. He's careful not to make eye contact with her. I try not to cough and continue talking. Hey, we're pretty good at seeming preoccupied!

A few minutes later, a car rolls up. It doesn't look suspicious in anyway at all. In fact, it kinda looks like a car Riku might buy. Flashy, expensive and fast. The window rolls down and Aqua blocks our view before we can see anything (I'll kill you, whore, I'll _kill_ you!).

"You have it?"

Hold the phone. I _know_ that voice.

"Yeah," she replies, clearing her throat. "Do you want–?"

"Get in."

It's only for a brief second, but just as she turns, and before the window can slide shut, I see a flash of silver. Not fake, gray-silver, but the _au naturel_ kind. I'm not sure if he saw me, but I sure as fucking hell saw him.

Riku.

**

* * *

A/N:** Wait, what was that? O: Shock, horror! What do you guys think? What is this "business" Aqua and Seifer seem to be in? What does it have to do with Riku and why is he _here_? Hm, fishy stuff… Please remember to **review** and thank you to those that have!


	9. Vermillion

_2.24 pm, Saturday, outside my apartment._

* * *

I don't really like _girly_-girls. I mean, I like girls that make an effort, but I don't like girls that go OTT. I am saying OTT now because when Riku used it a few months ago, I had no damn idea what it meant. So, just so you don't feel like a complete and utter _pillock_ for not knowing, it means "over the top."

Take Kairi, for instance. You cannot deny her perfection. The girl has not one flaw – not _one_. Yet her room is not fluffy, pink and stuffed with beanie babies, is it? She doesn't squeal every time she breaks a nail or a jewel falls off her studded belt, does she?

The answer is no, idiots.

(I wouldn't expect you to know, because you've probably never seen her room. At least, I hope you've never seen her room. That's freaking scary. Stalkers are _seriously_ scary. Once, when Riku and I were kids, this guy tried to kidnap Riku and hold him for ransom – you know, 'cos his dad is such a big business guy and all – instead, Riku just picked up the remote controlled car we were playing with and thwacked the guy on the head. After that, we beat up his man vegetables. The point is, this dude had spent nearly a _month_ watching Riku from afar. A _month_. I have made my point: stalkers have no fucking lives. And hey, I can tell you where to get one! Just take off the black trench coat, put some clothes on, get out of your room, go to the door and open it. You know what's out there? Your life. Use it. Stop abusing ours, you insane bastards.)

It's been over three weeks, now. Fall break ended last Monday, but we still haven't found him. It's starting to die down, now, the whole scandal about Riku. We're just lucky that we were outta school, so peeps didn't come up to us saying things like, "OMFG, YOU KILLED RIKU!" and "IF ONLY YOU RECIPROCATED HIS FEELINGS, SORA, IF ONLY!" Yeah, I don't know what the hell those chicks are on about, but lemme get something straight, 'kay?

I. Am. Not. Gay.

I do not harbor a secret, unbridled lust for Riku. I do not hide my passion for him or mask my displeasure at being Kairi with 'big fake smiles.' I don't know which moron concocted the whole damn fairy-tale, but please stop, I am a _guy_. A heterosexual, amazingly good-looking and currently in-love guy. When I see your yaoi references, do you know what I'm thinking?

DO NOT WANT.

So, there, I rest my case for whatever I was trying to say in the first place.

(Hm, I seem to have lost my train of–

Oh yes, finally!)

Yeah, it's my one month anniversary with Kairi tomorrow. Our relationshp has been pretty rocky so far (and if we're being honest, it didn't start on the best of notes), but we're still going strong.

(Mad props to Roxas for reminding me of my anniversary. I owe you, man!)

I mean we have fought a few times, but about stupid things, like her hair color and, once, the cookie jar. Not the metaphorical cookie jar (i.e. the one full of 'girls'), but an actual cookie jar. Really, guys, a cookie jar full of _girls_? First off, is the cookie jar really big or are the girls really small? And how would all these girls react to a giant hand reaching in and plucking them out? It must be wild in there. They must be making sacrifices left, right and center. Sort of like those people in India and Africa that sacrifice goats and shit, except these are girls. I dunno, I looked up the whole sacrificial goat thing once and it kinda freaked me out. Almost as bad as sacrificing _virgins_.

Though, some people do think that having sex with some innocent, 14-year-old virgin will cure them of AIDS. I have news for those people: it will not. There is not cure for AIDS. Use the ABC method, you halfwits. Abstain, be wise and condom-ize! (Yeah, I learned some crap from Health! Pat on the back, pat on the back!)

Anyway, I'm busy trying to find some flowers for Kairi. We've never talked about favorite flowers, but I did hear her talking to Naminé about lilies. Maybe they're her favorite? Or maybe she was talking about giant, people-eating lilies that use a green, sticky substance to dissolve your flesh as you writhe in agony? (Or _maybe_ she was talking about Lilly from _How I Met Your Mother_?)

I come up to the local flower shop and look around. I mean what if someone sees me going in? Then they might _actually_ think I'm gay and that'll just blow.

Wait, wrong choice of words there!

"Can I help you?"

Ah.

The local flower shop. It's only about five minutes from my apartment, opposite a little bookstore and some, unnamed café that Roxas likes to make plans in. It's a small shop, but is totally filled with flowers. If you didn't know any better, you'd think the shop was a giant mouth, throwing up flowers. (Which sounds pretty gross, now that I think about it.) It is owned by Elmyra Gainsborough, mother of–

"Aerith," I say, blushing slightly (I _am_ ashamed to admit). I have a girlfriend, I know, I know, whatever. But Aerith's kind of… a special case. She's like that girl everyone wants but can't have. She's the jar of sweets on the highest shelf that you can't reach when you're a kid. She's the notebook held in the air by the bully, asking you to 'jump for it.' You're just never gonna get it, y'know?

She smiles at me. "I know you! You're Sora, right?"

I must say, I do feel honored that she knows I exist.

"Y-Yeah," I say, coughing slightly. "Um…"

(I'm _so_ eloquent and charming.)

"Do you need to pick out some flowers?"

I nod, trying not to make eye contact. I'd already bought Kairi a present – some necklace with a 'K' pendant on it – but Roxas had strongly advised me to buy flowers.

"You just _need_ flowers, man." He said to me over the phone. "They're the equivalent of blood in the relationship."

I decided to take his advice, seeing as he and Naminé have been going out for, oh, I don't know, _forever_? They must have been born at the same hospital and at the same time, then strolled out of it hand-in-hand or something.

Which reminded me…

"Hey, Roxas, have you and Naminé had sex?"

There was a pause.

I have no idea what the pause meant. Maybe it was a 'how-dare-you-ask-such-a-thing' pause or a 'what-kind-of-question-is-that' pause. Or even a 'very-embarrassed-silence-because-either-we-have-or-have-not-and-I-did-not-tell-you' pause.

"Uh… I don't remember."

Uh… what the fuck?

"How can you _not_ remember?" I said, wanting him to _see_ me roll my eyes. "Stop avoiding the question!"

"I am not avoiding the question, Sora."

"I'm pretty sure you are."

"I'm not."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me."

"Didn't tell you what?"

"That you did it with Naminé!"

"I didn't say I did."

"You didn't say you didn't."

"I didn't say I did or didn't do anything, you assumed."

"I didn't _assume_, your silence told me everything."

"That's funny, 'cos silence is usually pretty quiet."

"Don't get technical with me!"

"I'm being logical. Silence is _silent_, Sora."

"Oh, aren't you the regular Einstein?"

"Why, yes, I'm rather smart."

"Then how did you manage to get a C in Math?"

"That was skill."

"A C is not skill. It is incompetence."

"Now I'm incompetent?"

"Yes. Yes, you are."

"Fine. You're a douche."

"Why am _I _a douche?"

"Because I am incompetent."

"That's illogical! You're no longer being logical! You've lied to me!"

"So? You've lied to me heaps."

"I have not!"

"What about that time you _said_ you would help me clean my room?"

"I wasn't even in the freaking country!"

"Yet you couldn't fly back for your best friend? A best friend in _need_?"

"_In need_? You mean a best friend too lazy to clean his own damned room!"

"I am _not_ lazy! You're lazy!"

"I accept that I am lazy!"

"Well, I am _so_ sorry that I have not come to terms with who I am and accepted it yet!"

(By this time, it occurred to me that Roxas had successfully deterred me from my mission of finding out whether he and Naminé had gotten 'down' yet. He's so fucking good at distracting people from things – even when they're dead set on it. It's kind of unnerving.)

"Hold on, you've distracted me! Bastard."

"Oh, now you're cussing at me."

"Yeah, because you won't answer my question."

"Maybe if the profanity was omitted."

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Have sex with Naminé?"

"…Yeah."

A bunch of stuff went through my head. Most of it was along the lines of 'why-didn't-he-tell-me' and 'must-make-many-Virgin-Mary-jokes,' but the rest was all jumbled and indistinguishable. Okay, it wasn't. But I don't have time to explain all the thoughts in my head, alright? I have a life, Arnold, you should get one too.

"And?"

"And what?"

I sigh. "How was it?"

Roxas didn't answer for a while. "Well, I wasn't supposed to tell you…"

"Why not?!"

"Because Naminé said you'd start making Virgin Mary jokes."

I spluttered for a bit, wondering just how well Naminé knows me. Hm, that chick doesn't let on too much. I must make a mental note to interrogate her later on. But, since I never remember mental notes, I should probably make an _actual_ one and stick it on my fridge. Also, I needed to buy milk. Roxas finished all of it when he last came over and ate a giant bowl of Lucky Charms. ("_Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious! Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers! Hearts, stars and horse-shoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows! And me red balloons! That's me Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious_!") I think it's 'cos his mom doesn't allow "inorganic" food into the house. Must be torture.

"I wouldn't dream of such a thing!"

"Don't lie. I know you."

"Er," I said, coughing. "Anyway, what happened?"

"I dunno, we just… yeah."

"When?"

"I think 'bout last month."

"Does Kairi know?"

"I'm not sure."

"If she did, she would have told me, I'm sure."

"Oh yeah, isn't it your anniversary in a few days?"

And that is how Roxas reminded me it was my anniversary, I found out he and Naminé had sex and I decided to buy some flowers. Wasn't that a _great_ story?

(Oh, snap, apparently we still have some space left.)

(Double snap, I'm still in the flower shop with Aerith!)

"Yeah," I nod in reply to her question. (In case those with the brain of a fish cannot remember, she asked if I wanted to buy flowers. Seriously, brain train or something if you did not remember that. Dr. Kawashima can help you!)

"What kind?" She asks, getting up from her seat. She fingers the nearest bunch of flowers – sad-looking ones, pale in color. "Something like this?"

I shake my head. "No, too sad."

Aerith laughs. "Well, Sora, what is the occasion?"

I scratch the back of my head, suddenly feeling shy (or more shy, depending on how you look at it). "Um, an anniversary."

"Oh!" Aerith clasps her hands together, looking delighted. "Whose your girlfriend?"

"K-Kairi." I stutter out.

Shit. Why do I have to continuously stutter? It's _really_ annoying. Especially since I cannot seem to _control_ it.

She smiles and nods, "You two make a good couple. She's really beautiful."

"Thank you," I reply, looking down at my sneakers.

"So," she says, all businesslike suddenly, "Anniversary, anniversary… what's her favorite flower?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure, but I think … lilies?"

"Hm," she purses her lips. "Those 'sad' ones over there were lilies."

I make a face.

It took over half-an-hour. To choose flowers, I mean, not to...I dunno, watch paint dry while riding a camel? That'd be kind of hard, though. I mean, how would the camel fit inside a normal-sized room? Pretty uncomfy for the camel. Though they are pretty cool. Sort of like furry, small elephants. They just lumber about.

Eventually, I settled on tulips. Red ones. I thought a rose was too cliché – something that didn't cut the mustard or the bread or sausage or whatever. The tulips caught my eye 'cos they were so startlingly bright red and kinda reminded me of her hair. I wander down the street, thinking about what Riku might have said if he knew Kairi and I were together, now.

'_Finally, Sora! You're gonna get laid! Way to go, man_.'

I try hard not to smile.

* * *

_7.04 pm, Sunday, my lounge._

* * *

I look up from the TV as my phone rings, assuming it is my mom. She tends to phone every evening during the course of a week at least once. It's irritating, but comforting, I guess, to know she's not forgotten about me or whatever.

I flip it open. "Hello?"

"I have news!"

Wherever Roxas is, it is pretty windy. I can barely make out what he's saying. Or maybe he's gotten obese and is breathing super hard into the phone, who knows?

"What news? And where are you?"

"Never mind, never mind! Can we meet up at that café opposite Aerith's tomorrow?"

"Dude, tomorrow is my anniversary."

He groans. At least, I think it is a groan. It might be the wind in the background (or maybe the bed is straining under his weight and protesting?).

"Shit. It's important though."

"Define important."

I know Roxas. He'll suddenly make some 'case' super important – like this one we're having with Riku/Aqua/Seifer. I mean, I'm all for investigating it, count me in! But let's not go overboard, mmkay? And Roxas _likes_ to go overboard. A lot.

"Like… like to do with Riku!"

My interest piques, but I know I cannot desert Kairi on our anniversary. She'd probably never forgive me and I'm not in the mood to be in her bad books. Or diary. Or journal. Whatever girls keep hidden under their beds, these days. (Condoms?)

"Nah, not tomorrow, bro."

"Fine,Tuesday."

"I'll be there, I'll be there." I assure him. "Meet up?"

"Good."

_

* * *

9.45 am, Monday, Physics.

* * *

_

She _did_ like the flowers. _And_ the present. I wasn't some prick that presented it to her in front of everyone, either. I subtly hid them in her locker (yeah, I got up early for her. That is dedication, disciples, dedication!). She'd given me a watch – a pretty cool one that had lots of dials and shit on it. Now she's all glow-y and happy from today, like she's won something.

(Yup, _I'm_ the prize here, bitches. So you can stick _that_ in your pipe and smoke it.)

"I'm really happy, Sora." She breathes. I inhale all her strawberry goodness, allowing it to calm my nerves. I'm busy trying not to focus on tomorrow and what it might hold in store for me.

I grin at her. "Me too."

The teacher strolls past us. We both pretend to be immersed in our work. Well, I pretend. Kairi's one of those 'good students' that always obeys dress code and is never out of line. But not in that nerdy way, like when some kids pull their pants up too high or tell on you all the time. They're just pussies.

"Um," Kairi whispers, as soon as the teacher is out of earshot, "I have another present."

"Another one?"

Oh shit, Arnold, I didn't buy her anything more! What do I do? WHAT DO I DO? No, no, hold on! I can buy a cake or something – girls like cake, right? Or are they scared they might get fat? She probably won't care about something so stupid. Does she? I don't think so. I _hope_ not.

"Yeah, could you come to my house after school?"

It must be massive if it is at her house. Maybe it's a llama farm. Or a tame elephant that I can ride to school! Or a kangaroo! Then I could ride to school on it _and_ punch out the pansies I don't like at the same time! (People in Australia have got it _good_.) Or maybe it's a bread gun? Or jam trousers?

"Sure," I say, nervously. "Er, should I bring another present–?"

"No, no!" Kairi says, shaking her head, "You given me enough. I just… It's a surprise."

"A surprise?"

"A _good_ surprise."

"Is it big?" I say carefully, wanting to know if I was going to be shooting whole-wheat at people or punching them out.

"Yeah, you could say that."

So not jam trousers. They're quite small. Plus, they only work on sharks.

I look down at my Physics, "Fantastic."

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry for the late and (on top of that) short update! If there are any errors, please forgive me (and tell me?). I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. By the way, some of the references here are from Eddie Izzard. If you haven't got a clue as to who he is, please Youtube it! So, Roxas had a lead, Riku is still incognito and Kairi has a surprise. What's going on here? Any ideas at all? What is Roxas on about? What has Kairi got planned? Please remember to **review**! (: And thanks to all those that have reviewed.


	10. Balderdash

_3.40 pm, Monday, my apartment.

* * *

_

Let's have an honest moment here, okay? We all know what Kairi is gonna give me, am I right?

Sex.

Wait, hold on, she can't _give_ me sex. Ah, now I've ruined the punch line. Damn. Okay, anyway, what I should have said that she is going to give me her body.

Mmm. That just sounds like I'm some fat bloke, rubbing my oily hands together and chuckling in a perverted manner as I scour the slave market, looking for some beauty that I can do inappropriate things to.

Um, we're not in China or Africa. Or wherever else the slave market is heading these days (I hear it is on the move).

I'm kind of a pervert, we all know that. Yeah, in my head I've had sex with Kairi about sixty trillion times – each probably more amazing than the last. But how exactly is this gonna pan out in real life?

"Dude, why the fuck are you so fidgety?"

'Fidget' is a weird word. Kind of _makes_ you want to fidget, you know? Because it sounds like a twitchy, itchy, restless word. Like you just _have_ to move about when someone says it.

Screw you, Roxas.

"I'm not fidgety," I snap at him, "I'm doing my Chem."

"Uh, no you're not. You've been on the third question for the last twenty minutes."

"Maybe I find it difficult."

Roxas looks, for a moment, torn between the desire to laugh at the fact that I have admitted to finding something difficult and the urge to point out that I've never found anything difficult before (and inadvertently praising me).

He settles for scoffing.

After a few minutes, he looks up again.

"Aren't you gonna go?"

"Go where?"

"To Kairi's, you fool."

Ah. Kairi's.

I look at the clock. I have fifteen minutes more. Then I look down at my clothes, trying not to think too far into the future. What kind of kid thinks about the future, anyway? We're the alcoholic, irresponsible, lazy, drugged-up generation and _proud_. Okay, we're proud of everything except the 'some-of-us-like-sparkling-vampires' bit. But we can erase that.

I hope.

"…Did someone die?"

"W-What?"

"Hey," Roxas holds up his hands in surrender, "You can't blame me for asking – the last time you checked your appearance twice, you were going to someone's funeral."

I do not recall.

"Whose?"

"I dunno. But what's the deal?"

Oh shit. I can't tell Roxas. He'll start off listening, looking all serious and understanding, just so he gets you to trust him, then he'll slowly lapse into mocking which will dissolve into derisive laughter. I'm _pretty_ sure he'll wrap it up with some question that insinuates homosexuality.

"What deal?"

"With you."

"I ain't go no deal."

"Stop trying to be gangster."

"I ain't tryin'!"

"Stop it."

"What you on 'bout?"  
"Stop it."

"Serious, I gots no clue, homeskillet."

"_Stop_. _It_."

I had better stop. Roxas just used his deadly voice. That voice comes out once in a blue moon and it chills you to the bone, my brother. Or sister. Or… Lady Gaga. (No offense to her, she makes awesome music. Though, it sucks when she won't let you do anything but dance. At least she says everything will be alright, though.) I heard him use it on a bunch of little kids a couple years back – I've never seen a group of six-year-olds sit so quietly in my life. It's like he spoke in Parseltongue or something, because those kids were dead silent – and the air got a tiny bit colder, I'm sure of it. Even I know that I'm supposed to shut my face hole when he hisses like that.

"Are you going to tell me or not?"

Well, I could tell him and be called a homosexual. Or I could not tell him and have him threaten me with many a-secret. _Or_ I could make up some elaborate lie that will take much of my time and effort, resulting in me being late for Kairi's "surprise."

"I kinda have to gee." I say, getting up.

Roxas sighs, "Coming back tonight?"

I almost trip over…the tiles. (Don't be fooled, you retards, it takes pure _skill_ to trip over a flat surface, alright?) "What are you talking about?"

"I hear Kairi has a surprise."

"From whom?"

"The Grapevine."

"Is the this 'Grapevine' of yours blonde?"

"…Perhaps."

"_Aha_! Naminé, that _traitor_! The lies, the horror! After all I have done for her!"

"What have you done for her?"

"I was being melodramatic."

"You're only melodramatic outside of your head when you're nervous."

"I am not! I am simply showcasing my acting skills."

"Imaginary acting skills?

"For shame, wench. Does thou not feel the touch of _compassion_, of _empathy_?"

"…"

"I cannot work with such a stolid partner!"

"Naminé says Kairi wants to have sex with you."

I hate Naminé. Really. I want to throw her into a bag, then throw that bag into a river then hurl that river into space. I'd be too lazy to do more, so maybe I'd ask E.T. or someone to lend a brother a hand, y'dig?

"Curse her."

"Don't."

"_Un_curse her."

Roxas leans back in the kitchen chair, grinning. "I feel like you're growing up, Sora."

"Don't be such a dick, Roxas," I cross my arms over my chest, "It's not like she's my first."

"Yeah, but this is a bit different, isn't it?"

"Different how?"

_I'm_ not gonna be the one to give in here. _I'm_ not gonna lose to _him_.

"Well, for starters, you're three minutes late already."

Fuck you, Roxas! And the children you will eventually have with your blonde "Grapevine"!

_

* * *

4.05 pm, Monday, Kairi's.

* * *

_

She didn't seem mad. In fact, she seemed kinda nervous. _Fidgety_, to be specific. I mean, everything was all good to start with. Her dad wasn't at home, there was a lot of food. Then…somehow, things changed.

The moment of change. It was sort of like when you're having a conversation with your friend and then some girl walks past and they're all, "Nice legs, daisy duke!" Except, instead of Katy Perry, it's – I dunno – Nikki Blonsky? (That's that chick from _Hairspray_, in case you guys didn't know. You know, that massive one that makes you think, 'Hey, what the fuck were you thinking, Adam Shankman? Stop smoking weed.' But, hey, maybe Shankman's into a certain type of hydroponics? 'Hobby hydroponics,' Riku used to call it.) Yeah, so anyway, instead of you giving him an approving nod, you just give him that 'wtf-is-wrong-with-you-how-desperate-can-you-be' look.

Seriously though, how desperate _can_ you be?

So, on my list of Most Awkward Yet Most Anticipated Moments of My Life, this is number one (so far).

"Um," Kairi says, twiddling her fingers. There's a lengthy pause, in which I stare at her shirt (_not_ her boobs, I swear!). She laughs suddenly, throwing her head back. "Jeez, why is this so weird?"  
"I dunno," I shrug, "Are you nervous?"  
"Kind of." She admits, biting her lip. I try very hard, at this point, not to rape her. I mean, I hear that's frowned upon.

I grin at her. "You don't have to be, y'know."

"I know, I know." She sighs, plucking at her shirt. (I'm hoping now that she'll just take it off.) "But… I really can't remember anything from… _before_."

Before. Okay, so she brought up the time she had sex with my former (and now missing in action) best friend. Yeah, that's okay. It totally didn't turn me off. I'm not imagining her and Riku doing the horizontal tango. Yeah, I'm totally not. I can't see her undressed, with Riku marking every single spot on her body. 'Oh, Sora, I've already been claimed, whoops!' Nah, that's not going through _my_ mind.

The grin fades off my face. I try to keep it there for a while, but as soon as I see a mini Riku, all dressed up in some hiking gear, trudging along Kairi's collarbone, it vanishes. "Can't remember?"

She blushes. I must say, she does look sexy when she blushes. It's not just her cheeks that turn pink, but her whole body kind of flushes. I watch mini Riku fan himself lightly, turning to give me the thumbs-up.

"Yeah, I just… I don't want to remember. It felt wrong."

Well, that kind of rectifies the fact that she brought it up in the first place. Sort of like how Othello killing himself sort of rectified the fact that he murdered Desdemona. I mean, super moronic that he was such a cock and killed her in the first place, but went on to do another idiotic thing that balanced out the stupidity. Seriously, Othello, you have some issues, you prick.

"I'm really glad it's you, Sora."

That was the last thing she said to me (or, really, the last proper sentence of the night). The rest was filled with broken ones and a lot of made-up words. Also names, it was filled with names. Two names in particular. For someone that had had sex once before, Kairi had to be taught. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it (God, best night _ever_). Still, I thought she would have picked something up from the mini Riku that had turned into Indiana Jones on her shoulder. Plus, now I have some scars along my back. I didn't know she was _that_ wild. (Naminé's been influencing her?)

So yeah, we did it. She was the one calling out my name. She was the one clawing at my back. She was the one kissing me. It was _Kairi_. But for some reason, I tasted guilt.

_

* * *

11.34 am, Tuesday, my apartment.

* * *

_

I didn't feel like going to school this morning.

So, I didn't. I got up at ten, ate a bowl of cereal and watched cartoons for an hour. Then, I texted Roxas, Naminé and Kairi. It was the same text, just sent out to three different people.

Look, I'm sure all you chicks out there must think I'm some kinda douche. I just nailed my girlfriend for the first time, but then I don't show up the next day. What's she feeling? Is she insecure, worried or depressed? Look, you unsympathetic females, grow the fuck up. Guys have feelings, too. Yeah, we don't always show them, but that's just because we're manly. You heard me, _manly_. If we do show our feelings, we're either emo or homosexual. (I really don't know which is worse.)

Girls are complex, whatever, whatever. Guys have rules, too. The most important of all being the Bro Code. If a bro breaks the Bro Code, then you've gotta deal accordingly. However, this is no rule that says you cannot avoid your girlfriend after you have had sex with her. In fact, it's an accepted practice.

But there she is. My dream girl. And I can't even _enjoy_ her. Because every time we 'made love' yesterday, Riku kept ruining it. And then it hit me: I'm not going to be able to enjoy her until after I've sorted out whatever the hell is bugging me. And what is bugging me is Riku. It's just so damn unresolved and shit. I'm good at pushing stuff to the back of my mind (kind of like a 'mind attic'), but this just keeps resurfacing, like Jaws or something. It starts of all slowly (da-dum, da-dum…), then it suddenly picks up pace (da-_dum_, da-_dum_), then, whoa! (DA-DUM!) Jaws has just eaten your ass. You can't stop Jaws (that's like trying to stop Chuck Norris), because he's an evil, amazing shark, that can probably shoot laser beams with his eyes. Or hers? Whatever. Wait, so Kairi is Jaws? No, right, Riku's the one that is–

"Bro!"

I start. I'd been busy thinking all this while staring into my fridge, Arnold, with a carton of milk in my hand. I don't know why the milk is in my hand or when I opened the fridge, but now the milk is on the floor. ( :'( )

I cuss, not revealing my shock to Roxas. "What, foo?"

"You're not at school."

"Neither are you."

He sighs, watching me mop up the puddle of milk. "Naminé says Kairi is pretty worried."

"About what?"  
"Well, you sent us all the same text, for one."

Hm, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that. See, you can send a bunch of friends the same text, as long as it is acceptable and friendly and whatever, but the text you send to your girlfriend always has to be slightly different. Even if you just add a "3" or an "x" to the end, it shows that you see them differently. By sending the same text to your girlfriend and your friend(s), you are simply stating (indirectly) that she is the same to you as any other person you are friends with. It's a good way to _start_ breaking up with someone, but not good for anything else.

"Yeah… I'm sick."

"What kind of sick?"

"I have a cold."

"Is your throat sore?"

"Sure."

"Temperature?"

"Perhaps."

"Nose?"

"Yup."

"Feeling cold?"

"Maybe."

"Are you lying?"

"Probably."

"Dude, what the _hell_?"

"Bro, I dunno, I dunno." I say, flopping onto the couch. "I'm just… confused, is all."

"Confused about what?" Roxas suddenly sucks in his breath. "Did you two _do_ _it_?"

I nod.

"Sora! That's freaking awesome! Haven't you been going on about tapping her from like, I dunno, the beginning of time? Weren't you confessing your love and sexual attraction every other day? Dude, this is great! Why are you so down about it, though? Did something go wrong? Couldn't get it up? Couldn't bring the harvest home, if you know what I mean?" He nudges me, a grin on his face.

I stare at him.

"Seriously, had to bend over backwards to get her to do the same? Did she say someone else's name? Did _you_ say someone else's name? Did you 'blow the gasket' too early?"

"Roxas, really."

"What? You couldn't get her to spread her–?"

"Roxas, man!"

"Then what was the problem?"

"Well…"

_

* * *

6.32 pm, Monday, Kairi's. About seventeen hours ago.

* * *

_

Let's just say it was going great. More than great. I'd already "brought the harvest home" (as Roxas so articulately put it) twice and Kairi was vying for a third time. I mean, I'd been the one suggesting it, but she'd given her stamp of approval.

"Mm, Sora, right there!"

(_"Bro, no details, please. Namine will freaking murder me."_

"_Right, sorry."_)

So, yeah, I was pleasuring her, as any good paramour would. I remember that I was kissing her on the neck at the time when I suddenly lifted my head, about to go for the lips again, when I noticed Riku. It was mini Riku, of course, not the _actual_ Riku. He was sitting on Kairi's pillow, next to her head, busy shouting instructions at me. At first, I ignored them, mentally telling him to piss off, because even your best friend is not allowed to watch you have sex (it's just weird). I mean, former best friend.

(_"Wow, you're going insane!"_

"_Shut up."_)

But then, Riku shouted, "Sora, dude, her right boob is _way_ more sensitive!" I wasn't gonna listen, of course, but my hand just happened to be there, at the time, so I thought, why not?

(_"That's a stupid move."_

"_Could you just let me finish?"_

"_I'm the running commentary, Sora. Give the viewers what they want!"_

"_You mean Arnold."_

"… _Who?"_)

So, I took his advice. I paid some attention to her left side, and she reacted, for sure. Then, when I switched, her reaction became a _lot_ stronger. I tested this out several times (perhaps it was for science, perhaps it wasn't). Then, there I was, in shock, but still giving her the love. I don't think she noticed (at least I hope she didn't).

(_"But couldn't it have just been coincidence?"_

"_Yeah, I thought the same thing. Until…"_)

It happened three more times. First, mini Riku told me to run my fingers along her inner thighs (_that_ worked wonders, for something so mundane), then he told me make her wrap one leg around me (once again, score) and finally he told me to mix up my motions and, particularly, to move in circles (which _really_ brought the harvest home).

(_"And he says these tricks work just on Kairi? Nobody else?"_

"_Bro!"_

"_What, there's no use in letting them go to waste_.")

Finally, when we'd exhausted ourselves, Kairi turned to me and said, "That was amazing!" I was going to reply, when mini Riku gave me the thumbs-up again and said, "Way to go, Sora, we nailed her!"

_

* * *

Back to the future/present day.

* * *

_

"Dude… I have a lot of questions."

I sigh, leaning back on the couch. "Yeah, you're not the only one."

"First off," Roxas says, "Did Kairi mention Riku?"

"Before, just a bit. She was talking about how she couldn't remember it."

"'It' referring to the time they got busy?"

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me."

"Then, what happened after that?"  
"I just told you!"

"Oh, right, right, confusing sex."

"It wasn't confusing! This strange, small Riku dressed like Indiana Jones just happened to be there."

"Fedora and all?"

"Roxas, he even had a whip."

"I bet he uses _that_ for his excavating."

"Damn right he does."

We high-fived.

"But, on a serious note, Sora, I think we need to find Riku."

I glance at my schoolbooks, then at a picture of Kairi on my desk. "Yeah, easier said than done."

Roxas clears his throat. "Well, my mentally disturbed friend, while you were busy exploring and experimenting on unknown territory yesterday, I had a few business meetings to attend."

"Business meetings?"

"I have a few leads, minor ones, but I'm sure they can help."

"We packed?"

"We're _always_ packed."

"Then let's get out of here."

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, it's been forever since there has been an update! OTL Sorry guys, I feel bad. Anyway, excuse errors and whatever. So, Sora and Kairi have done just what most people have expected (I was expecting jam trousers! The horror at it being something else!), and it does not seem to have gone well. Sora and Roxas are taking off (just _like_ Riku) to _find_ Riku and the girls are left behind. Any idea what's going to happen? I wish I knew! :P Thanks to everyone that has reviewed -** please remember to review** if you haven't. (:


	11. Pantomime

_2.38 am, Wednesday, Roxas' car.

* * *

_

You ever get that feeling that you've gone and done something ridiculously stupid? Like, at the time, buying an Xbox 360 seemed like a good idea just because it was 50 bucks cheaper than a PS3, but then you get home and the freaking thing doesn't work. Or a gorilla eats it. But whatever, you get what I'm trying to say, right? We all do stupid things, whether it be buying an Xbox 360 or a gorilla.

That's how I feel right now. Like I've bought an Xbox 360/gorilla, and that ruined something I really wanted. I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally wanna find Riku and get this stuff off my back so I get down with Kairi without feeling like a complete idiot. I'm sick of feeling like an idiot. I'm usually the brilliant, suave one, y'know? Not the retarded, confused one.

I just took the wheel from Roxas. He's totally knocked out in the passenger seat (I'm not going to put something obscene in his mouth just because it's open. I'm not going to put something obscene in his mouth just because it's open. Also because I don't have anything obscene on hand, right now.). He'd told me, earlier on, that we had to go to Vegas. I dunno if he's pulling a Barney Stinson or what, but I never argue when someone says 'Vegas.' Just like you never argue when someone says 'sex' or 'food' or even 'water gun filled with tequila.' Why would you _want_ to argue?

Right now, though, I'm kind of regretting this.

Because, you know, I live in Uzbekistan. And… we had to build a very big bridge. From Uzbekistan to the USA. And, wow, the US! It's massive! I mean, seriously, whoa. What a fantastic country that I have no knowledge of whatsoever. At all. And have never been to. Ever. Or even lived there. Yeah.

Also because I've gotten at least sixty calls from Kairi. And she's left a message every single time. Not angry messages or anything, but worried ones. She's asking after out health a lot, which makes you wonder, how stupid does she think we are? Does she think we'll _really_ attempt to steal giraffes from the zoo and then ride them around, pretending we're from Africa and have no horses? Those people in Africa are lucky. I saw _The Lion King_ – you can use their necks as slides and everything. I haven't responded to her, though. Not yet, at least. I mean, what do I say? "Hey, babe, sorry that Roxas and I took off like that. I'm just having a problem with us having sex because Riku's disappeared and now haunts me? Nah, baby, I'm not insane. Hold up, don't call the asylum–!"

(She'd better not call the asylum. In tenth grade, Riku and I dressed up in lab coats from science class and broke into their private park. We then posed as 'trainee psychiatrists' and managed to make one guy believe that he was free to go, told two women that if that made out, it would "cure them" and convinced an old lady that she had a 'sixth sense' and that we were really ghosts that no one else could see. What? We weren't doing any damage. Those peeps were already messed up. Plus, we brought them cookies. Cookies make _everything_ better.)

(Also, I wish I had some cookies now.)

I sigh and look down at my iPhone. Kairi had synced it a few days before and named it "This Ship." I didn't get it until I was chagrining it, and it said "This Ship is syncing." It was funny, even though it was the wrong word. Still, clever use of homophones. Kudos to her.

Roxas stirs next to me, rubbing his eyes and yawning. I hate when people yawn – it totally makes me yawn, too. And I just had a nap, like, two hours ago. What is it about yawning that's so damn catchy? It's like a pop song or a cleaning agent jingle. Yeah, N'sync, I'm talking to you! Boy band bitches. I'll kill you! I'll use your organs as Christmas decorations and grind your flesh into food for jaguars if you ever put on skintight leather and dance with stupid headsets on ever again! YOU DRIVE ME FUCKING CRAZY!

(An interesting side note: there is actually a band called "Skintight Jaguars." They're an English band that specializes in Alternative and Punk rock. Hah! Don't go around telling people you don't learn stuff from _me_!)

"Jeez, what time is it?" Roxas says groggily, trying to make out the numbers on the clock. "Whoa! It's been ages. When will we reach?"

I shrug, "Couple hours. Oh yeah, Naminé's called for you a bunch of times."

"Did you answer?"

"Hell no."

"Then how did you know it was her?"

"I'm nosy."

Roxas looks at his phone, scrolling through the messages. I hear him cuss under his breath. I'm the lucky one between us. Kairi's more worried about us and a bunch of wildlife animals than the fact that we've just disappeared off the radar. Although, it's only been a few hours (about twelve or so), so I have no idea how they know we've gone. I ask Roxas and he laughs, "What, you think I left without telling Naminé?"

"I left without telling Kairi!" I say indignantly.

"Yes, yes," Roxas agrees absently, "But you're the one having the crisis about her. How were you going to explain that you're going to find your ex-best friend in order to have comfortable sex with her?"

I can't deny that.

Still, as I've explained before, Roxas and Naminé… they're one of _those_ couples. You know, the Lily and Marshall. The Ross and Rachel. The Mario and Peach. The Yoshi and Donkey Kong. It's undeniable (and kind of annoying, sometimes). In fact, I don't think I can imagine Roxas without Naminé. That's like telling me you'd like to go to Burger King and eat a salad. Excuse me, but what the hell? You don't go to the aquarium to stare at the pot plants. You don't go to the movies to watch the (really stupid, boring and irritating) ads.

"Then why is she calling you so much?" I ask, yawning. (See, yawning is catching. Just as catching as when you cough in assembly, then five other people cough and, suddenly, the whole assembly needs a cough drop. Really, how _does_ it happen?)

"I told her I'd call," Roxas says, "But I think I'll just text her… that my battery is dying."

"It's not."

"I know, it's called a lie, moron."

"Yeah, then there's this amazing thing known as 'being honest' – you heard of it?"

"On the occasions where my best friend _isn't_ having a mental breakdown, yeah."

"… Touché."

Roxas points to a nearby gas station, with some kind of motel/coffee house attached. "Bro, pull over for gas."

I don't really like filling cars with gas. I hate touching that thing – I mean, do you know the people that have touched it? What were they doing _before_ they touched it? Jeremy Clarkson has said that people "pull over to have a rest." More like, pull over to have some _sex_. Haha, _up top_! I hold my hand up to Roxas automatically.

He stares at me.

Oh wait, that was meant to be a mental high five. Riiight.

"I'll go… fill up." Roxas says slowly, getting out of the car. He knows when I've suddenly gone insane – not just because I see Riku when I'm doubling my girlfriend's entendre, but when I'm up at weird hours, I tend to go off the rails. Slightly.

"I'll get some food," I say, pulling out my wallet. "What do you want?"

"I dunno, I'm kinda in the mood for Taco Bell."

"Oh, sure, I'll just go get some from that one over there."

"Where?" Roxas asks, looking around. (I have no idea how he's even _touching_ that filthy, repulsive handle.)

I point to the other side of the road, where it's all lovely and deserted. "There, Roxas, next to Lollipop Lane and opposite Mount Sunshine. Let me just get our rainbow pegasi and we can fly over!"

Roxas glares at me, pulling the nozzle out of the tank. If you ask me, every time you fill your car's gas tank, it's like the car is having sex. Seriously, think about it. I mean, the car has to be female… Oh. Wait. It could be male, but let's make it female, okay? Okay. Yeah, so what happens is that you pop the gas cap and insert the nozzle all the way into the tank (or as far as it can go) and then some liquid flows into the tank, filling it up. You pump for a while, squeezing the handle, then, when you're done, you pull it out, and the car is impregnated. But with fuel. If that makes sense. (Does it? I'm sorry; sense doesn't come to me at 3 am.) Whatever, the point is that your car is a dirty slut. It has sex with _all_ the gas stations, and then pretends to be all pure when it meets a new one. Those fucking whores!

"Whatver, man, let's just–"

Roxas gasps, stopping in midstride. He stares up at the coffee house, the neon lights flickering in the darkness. I look at the neon light and then at him. "What, is it giving you a seizure? Come on, Roxas, we totally made it through that episode of Pokémon that was said to cause seizures. Those people that _did_ get seizures are such pansies–"

"Dude, I've been here!"

"I've been to gas stations, too, Roxas, but that doesn't mean I'm any less proud of you."

"Not any gas station, foo, _this_ gas station!"

I push open the doors to the coffee house. "You've been to Vegas?"

"Nah, I just came here once, but I…"

"You?"

"I remember!"

We slide into a booth and an elderly waitress hands us two menus. There are about ten people in this entire coffee house. It sure is happening.

"I think I'll have some nachos," I muse. "What about you?"

"Yes!"

"You also want nachos?"

"No, I'm still there, Sora!"

"Roxas, bro, you're not making any sense. And I'm an expert on not making sense, trust me."

"Look at that," Roxas points to a blackboard on the wall. It has a list of names on it and points alongside them. I blink and start to read them from the bottom.

"Xena, three-hundred and fifty points; Jack the Scorer, four hundred points; Cocoa Desk, four-hundred and ninety-two points; Killing Pine, five-hundred and sixty-four points; Seymour Asses, seven-hundred and thirty-six points; Magic Sundae, nine-hundred and fifty-one points." I turn to stare at Roxas. "_Seymour_ _Asses_?"

"Yeah," Roxas says, looking nostalgic. "He was a great guy. Good player."

"Player of what, exactly?"

Roxas grins and points to the pinball machine, "Power Pinball."

I glance at it. "It doesn't look so difficult."

"Says someone who isn't even on the _board_."

"Like you're on the – holy shit! Which one are you?"

"Magic Sundae, of course." Roxas leans back in his booth, looking smug. "I used to be a Pinball champ, back in Elementary. _No one_ could touch me."

"Sure sounds like a competitive sport," I say, watching the waitress shuffle over. "What're you gonna have?"

"Same thing I used to have back here, duh. Fried chicken and salsa."

"… And _salsa_?"

"With a side of curly fries."

"What can I get you boys?" The waitress wheezes. I try to be thankful that she isn't the one cooking, but I can see the chef from here. If you can call that teenage boy a chef. Maybe they cook people here?

"I'll have fried chicken, salsa and curly fries, please." Roxas says happily. "And a large coke."

I put down my menu gingerly. "I'll have… coffee, please."

"Anything else, sugar?"

"Uh, no thanks, I'm not hungry."

Roxas raises his eyebrows at me and the waitress shuffles away, pulling on her cigarette. "Not hungry? That's a first."

"Dude, did you see the chef?"

"Yeah, Kenny." Roxas waves at him. The teenage boy waves back. "Whoa, he's getting old."

"Are you freaking kidding me, Magic Sundae?"  
"Hey, don't mock the Sundae!"

"Does Naminé know about this strange affliction of yours?"

"It's not an affliction! And yes."

"I can't believe she approves."

"Sora, _everyone_ approves of the Magic Sundae. He's quick and agile and full of life. He's wonderful and fantastic and likes fried rice. He turns on the ladies, but there's just one for him. The Naminé, the lovely, his girlfriend… that's the one for him. That's… part of the Magic Sundae. … Also. And is amazing. … The Magic–"

"Yeah, I got you, buddy."

"_Magic_ _Sundae_!"

_

* * *

1.45 pm, Wednesday, Las Vegas.

* * *

_

Well, we're here. We had to get a hotel that wasn't too expensive (because we don't have Riku's apartment on hand, at the moment. Man has an apartment _everywhere_.). Now we're changed, fed and showered. And ready for action! Yeah, the plan! We're gonna carry it out!

"What's the plan, by the way?" I ask.

"Well, sources tell me that he's with Aqua."

"What the hell is he doing with _her_?"

I receive a look after this outburst. "Sounding a little hurt there, Sora."

"Fuck off."

"And he's always with Seifer, for some reason."

"Anyone else we know involved?"

"Nah, not anyone you know. The people Riku tends to hang out with now are all from Vegas. And since we live in Uzbekistan, we have no idea who Riku likes to spend time with. Since we're not from here."

Who said Roxas didn't say those last two sentences? Lies! All lies!

"Damn, this is going to be confusing." I sigh. "Any other leads?"  
"Well, apparently Aqua is going to be at a party tonight. It's gonna be just a little bit from here, but it's really close to Riku's apartment. We could swing by, scope it out."

"Is it open or invitation only? 'Cos I need to know if I should wear my–"

My phone rings. I look down at caller ID. It's Kairi.

Crap. I can't _not_ answer – I've been doing that for a while now. On top of that, if I lose this girl, I will seriously kill the members of N'Sync _and_ kill myself. I don't care who's second degree murdered! I stare at the picture of her for a while, wondering if what I am doing is right.

"Just answer the damn thing," Roxas says, tapping the answer button on the screen.

Screw these touch screen phones! They're just out to undermine you. If I had one of those flip phones, I could have hid the caller/the answer button easily enough. Oh why did I not listen to Cloud when he told me to buy a Motorola Razor? I mean, he has one! And he _never_ answers his calls! They just go straight to voicemail. Oh, wait, he does answer Aerith's calls, but she hardly ever needs to call him because those two are attached at the hip. If only I had taken his advice and bought a phone that would enable me to avoid the situation I am in now! Curse you, peer pressure, for making me buy an iPhone!

"Hello?" I say coolly.

(Lying to your girlfriend is bad. Lying to your girlfriend is bad. Lying to your girlfriend is bad. Oh, Arnold, never lie to your spouse, otherwise you'll end up like this: in Vegas, searching for a best friend that slept with your girlfriend in order to transcend a situation that causes grief with a best friend that used to be known as Magic Sundae!)

"Sora!" Kairi says with relief. "Oh, Sora! Are you okay?"

And the moment she says my name, all I feel is guilt. Because even though I want to tell her, I can't. This isn't like some vase I broke that I can hide in a pot plant or some teacup I broke that I can hide in a vase. This is bigger than any teacup, vase or fern. You can't really hide it, unless I change my name to Alex, grow a beard and dye my hair black. Then I can spend my time in Vegas, running an illegal brothel and wearing dark shades, while police suspect me of several crimes, but can never pin me down. I don't want that, Arnold, I don't!

(The brothel thing sounds okay, though.)

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say gruffly. I clear my throat. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay! I'm just so worried about you." She sounds like she's been crying. Or like she hasn't had enough sleep. Or maybe both. "Oh Sora, why did you leave?"

I don't know to skate around but tell the truth at the same time in this situation. I mean, when you break something and your mom asks you what happened to it, you tell her it broke. Therefore, you're telling her the truth, but not actually revealing much, are you? For all she knows, a rabid, level twenty-four Warlock Raccoon wielding a knife, with a one up, sprinted through the house while chasing some level eight Fish Knights, broke it. Not you, sitting on the couch, playing Playstation and drinking coke. No, you did not try to slide across the table, forget to remove the vase of flowers and break it. It was the raccoon.

"I – I…" I struggle to come up with something. "It was a raccoon!"

"What?"

Roxas stares at me and mouths '_what_?'

"I don't know!" I say to both Roxas and Kairi. "Kairi, you've just… you've got to trust me, okay?"

"Is it about Riku?"

I always suspected that girls had some sort of hidden, superpower. You know, like in Pokémon, where your Abra or whatever uses Hidden Power? I think of it like that, only you'd want to have sex with the thing using hidden power. Having sex with Pokémon is wrong. It's called 'beastility' and is what Bella, in _Twilight_ rejected. She chose necrophilia instead. Anyway, I'm off track (again). Girls can sense things, sometimes. Stuff that you don't want them to sense (like masturbating or eating all the ice-cream). How they find out is a wonder to me, but I think it must be something to do with their boobs.

"Yeah," I concede. "It is."

"Well, you better come home as soon as you can, Sora. Until then, I'll collect all your work for you, okay?"

I gape in shock for a moment. "Wait, you're not mad?"

"Why would I be?"

"Because – I left – didn't say – betrayal – gone – nothing –?" I splutter. I don't know what the hell I am doing. Am I trying to get myself into trouble? Oh, way to go me!

_Sheesh, shut your noise hole, jerk! Do you want to land yourself in shit? I'm not gonna cover for you again!_

I don't even know what I'm doing. Maybe I've gone mad with joy?

_Well, you've gone mad, alright._

"Sora, I love you," Kairi says softly. "Whatever you're doing… just be safe, okay? I'll wait for you."

I probably have the greatest girlfriend in the world. Wait, scratch that, I _do_ have the greatest girlfriend in the world. Haha, take that everyone else! I've got the greatest girl in the world and there's nothing you can do about it! Muhahaha! (And if you try to do anything about it: I will end your life. Consider yourself warned.)

I smile. "I love you too. I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

Roxas makes kissy faces next to me, batting his eyelids. I don't know why he's acting like such a prick; he has a girlfriend too, which I remind him of as soon as I hang up the phone. He shrugs, looking pleased with himself. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't mock when I have an opportunity."

"Anyway," I say. "Where is this party of yours? Strip club? Private hotel room? Bowling alley?"

Roxas makes a weird face. It is somewhere in between fear and repulsion. I raise one eyebrow, wondering if he suddenly regrets eating that fried chicken, salsa and curly fries. (He should. Man's gonna be a ticking bomb if continues to eat such disgusting food combinations. Salsa is _only_ for Mexican food!) "It's at a theatre."

"A _theatre_?"

"It's not actually a party… it's some kind of meet, but I have no idea what."

"So how in the name of Jesus do we get in?" I ask in disbelief. "It's gotta be V.I.P. – even Magic Sundae's gonna have a problem!"

He shoots me a sarcastic look, before that weird look takes its place again. "I've already got us in…"

"You're not sounding happy there, Magic."

"Yeah, because I got us in as _actors_."

**

* * *

A/N:** Yay, an update. (: So, whatever Riku is doing sounds pretty weird, right? Plus, Roxas and Sora are on a weird acting mission? That's a new one! But where do the girls fit in amongst all this? And what part do Aqua and Seifer play, exactly? Please remember to **review** and thank you in advance for doing so. :D

**P.S. –** To whoever said that the African Slave thing was offensive: I'm _from_ Africa, just by the way. (: Having an open mind is an asset.


	12. Merchant of Vegas

_2.29 am, Wednesday, some theater.

* * *

_

I have this new list, now. It's called "Things I Am Not Extremely Good At." (I've never had one of these before, but now I know I should. It's like, hey, I've never had Viagra before, but since I'm seventy, I probably should. You're damn right you should, you old geezer. Stop holding out on your wife!)

"I hate you," I hiss at Roxas. "When we get home, I'm going to cut you into little pieces, then toss you like a salad, then fry those pieces and put them in a burger. Then, I'll go to your precious gas station, where you have the Pinball record, and serve the burger to a fan of Magic _Fucking_ Sundae."

Roxas frowns at me. I don't know why he's frowning like that; he knows I lost my mind a long time ago. I put up ads and everything, even put a picture of it on the back of a milk carton, but it seems it can't be found. Good riddance, too.

_I'm still here, you prick._

Get lost.

I mean, seriously. What the hell are we wearing? And why are the clothes so puffy? I don't even like Venice! Venice can go cram an oar up its ass, for all I care. I hate this. I hate this. I _hate_ this. I look homosexual. I blame Roxas. Roxas, the idiot who got us into this. _Oh no, Sora, we have to get to this party because it is the only way we will find Riku, and the party is only for members of the play_. Yeah, well, if you'd told me, I would have sorted this problem out myself: with alcohol. You heard me, you bastard, I'll kill you with my puffy pants! They'll strangle you!

"Just memorize your lines," Roxas mutters, scanning his own. "It'll be over before you know it."

The only upside to this is that Kairi isn't here. Imagine if she was. Mary, Mother of God. I would kill Roxas _and_ myself. Plus, how did people wear cravats and shit? They're so uncomfortable! And these shoes, what are they made of, _cows_?

Oh wait.

"Right, people, places!"

What is up with directors of small plays? They're always gay. I have nothing against gay peeps – you fight for your rights, homes – but this one is a bit handsy. He'd come over to "correct" my uniform three times, already. I didn't even move when he came the second time, what in the name of Jesus was he correcting? Nothing, that's what. Bitch wanted to feel me up. I'M STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT AND NOT WANTING TO BE TOUCHED BY A GAY DIRECTOR. ARGH, I HATE YOU ROXAS AND VENICE AND GAY DIRECTOR NAMED FRANCIS. I HATE YOU ALL!

"Dude, are you okay?" Roxas whispers as Francis the Feely (hah, good one, me!) starts to tell us that we are 'twinkling.' What does he mean by that? That we're frolicking about, giggling and emitting sparks? Or that we want to have intercourse with other men? "You look like you're going to kill."

I am going to kill, Roxas. (Arnold, you should probably step back.) I'm going to kill you, Francis the Feely, Riku, this production team _and_ Venice. You're all going to die at my hand. I'm going to–

Holy shit.

I nudge Roxas. His mouth falls open.

Walking towards us is Riku. All six feet of him, sauntering along like it is his backyard. Hold on! First of all, Riku always said plays were for pussies. He _hates_ them. Second of all, he only comes to plays when there's a hot chick (and believe me, there aren't any here). And lastly, why is he dressed like that? Like… like a…

Oh no.

Oh no, oh no, oh _no_. No, no, no, no, NO.

"Are you an idiot?" I snarl at Roxas, grabbing his upper arm. "He's going to be _acting_?"

"Well, duh."

"Don't say that!" I groan. "We have to get out of here."

"We can't," Roxas says in a panicked voice. "We're needed by this prod–"

"If you tell me that we are needed by this production, I will castrate you."

There's a silence. I know Roxas knows I am serious. Because he knows that I know he knows he likes this production. Yes, my Arnie, he likes this stupid, retarded, should-be-murdered production. Shakespeare, you conniving dog, you've sucked in my best friend! How _dare_ thou!

"We're leaving," I say firmly to Roxas. "_Now_. Before he recognizes us."

"But we don't have any scenes with him."

"What? How can we not–?"

"He plays Tubal."

Tubal, that friend of Shylock's, right? I chew my lip, not sure whether to consent. What if he does recognize us? I mean, it's only been, what, a couple months? Could he… forget me? I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. I'm not a girl, for God's sake, I'm a man. A manly, fighting, punch-your-lights-out, sexy, smartass man! Who _cares_ if he forgets me? I'm just here to say… to say…

Er, what am I here to say to him?

_You don't know what you want to say to him, and you dragged us _all_ the way here?_

Shut up! I don't know what's happening! I'm sure I meant to say something to him. Something along the lines of how great I am, probably. I know it's somewhere in there. Probably like, oi, you suck. I rule. Stay the hell away from me.

_You stalked him… all the way here (to Vegas, by the way), to tell _him_ to stay away from _you_?_

Who said I didn't think that through? Just… cram a sock in it, you faggot!

"Fine," I concede, feeling disgruntled. "This bad mood is your fault, Roxas."

"Oh, Sora!" Francis drapes an arm around me. "Don't be in a bad mood, honey. Is there anything I can do?" He flutters his eyelashes at me. I nearly throw up all the cereal I had eaten at our hotel. I take a few steps backwards.

"Er, nope, it's fine. I'll just… call my _girlfriend_!" I say, stressing the last word. "She'll know how to cheer me up. Boy, I sure do _love_ _her_."

I can't believe this is happening. I cannot believe I am in a play with Roxas, dressed up in puffy, uncomfortable clothing, with a gay director that wants to touch me inappropriately, about to act in a play with my ex-best friend in order to get into a party so that I can confront him. Does that not sound fucked up to you guys? Whatever happened to e-mails, phone calls and even snail mail? That would have been ten times better! Jeez, why in Hades do I have _resolve_ everything? It's not like this is a book or piece of fiction or something that someone has posted on the internet and is being reviewed by this person's peers. (But if it is, that person is awesome. 'Cos I'm awesome. Hence, the world must know.)

I WILL RESOLVE THIS FOR THEM! I'LL DO IT FOR YOU, ARNOLD, AND THE IMAGINARY PEOPLE READING THIS!

_

* * *

6.34 pm, Wednesday, still the same theater.

* * *

_

Well, this play sure is boring. I mean, what the hell? Roxas and I are playing Antonio and Gratiano here, but it's _still_ so mind-numbing. The three people that have showed up must be sleeping. Maybe that's why they showed up? Because they're insomniacs and needed something so dull and boring that it would make them fall asleep? Yeah, that's probably it. When I can't sleep, I watch _America's Next Top Model_ or some religious channel. It sends me off to dreamland in under five minutes flat. Only two minutes if it's something religious. I'll tell you what wakes me up: _Blue's Clues_ and _Dora the Explorer_. They _sure_ know how to party.

"What act are we on?" Some girl calls from the female changing rooms. I'm not even tempted to look in there, that's the kind of talent they're showcasing.

I gather we're somewhere at the end. Yeah, I'm acting and stuff, so I kind of have to pay attention. I'm sick of all these "thous" and "shalls." God probably spoke gangster, not all Old Englishy. Maybe Shakespeare just did this to spite us (because he knows we're cool and he's not). 'Cos all those people taking down God's commandments must have been pretty frocking pretentious. God would've been all, "You guys shouldn't steal and stuff, by the way."

And they were all, "Thou shall not steal."

And then God was like, "Thou should shut the hell up. What are you, retarded?" But then when God was off fixing some things and tweaking details, those pretentious jerkwads went ahead and put the seven commandments up on their… primitive internet. Their wall. (Um, Facebook?) So God was all, "Guys, I can't undo that now! Control Z! Control Z!" And they were like, "Forgive us, holy one, for we know not of this control!" And he was like, "Oh well. Let's just go have some lunch." If only those pretentious fags were more internet savvy! If only!

Also, what kind of play is this? I mean, these kids look about my age. I get that people are into theatre and all that jazz, but shouldn't they be at school, sleeping and wasting their time there? That's what Roxas and I do, and we enjoy it. Yeah, er, school is good for you. Don't skip it or anything… 'cos that'd be stupid. Really stupid. I'm not skipping school or anything – just sick. Kind of. Mentally. Wait! Not mentally _ill_ or anything–

_Too late, you said it._

Dang.

_

* * *

7.29 pm, Wednesday, still the same theater.

* * *

_

"Speak not so grossly!" The female playing Portia announces. You know, Portia is supposed to be hot and things, but… I dunno, maybe I'm just used to perfection. "You are all amazed; here is a letter; read it at your leisure. It comes from Padua, from Bellario…"

I've died sixteen times in this play so far. You know, died while trying/attempting to listen. Roxas looks all riveted (Magic Sundae is also an actor, it turns out), but I keep switching off. Sort of like staring at a TV and not really paying attention until someone is naked on it or you see something you really have to buy (like a new LCD TV to replace the current, boring one or an energy drink that will give you wings). Unfortunately there are no ads or naked people in this play. I think I'm going to lay a complaint.

"… Are richly come to harbor suddenly; you shall not know by what strange accident I chanced on this letter," she finishes, gesticulating wildly at me. Me? Why is she gesturing at me?

Oh, right, it's my line.

"I am dumb."

You damn right you are, Antonio, for being a character in this play. I don't think I can find any words to describe how much I despise it, now. It's okay, though, we're on the last Act. Luckily, it has only one scene. _Oh, cruel fate, what did I do to deserve such treatment_?

_

* * *

7.37 pm, Wednesday, still the same theater.

* * *

_

"Ay, but the clerk that never means to do it, unless he live until he be a man."

I guess he'll die another day?

_Coined_ it!

_

* * *

7.49 pm, Wednesday, still the same cursed theater.

* * *

_

"It is almost morning, and yet I am sure you are not satisfied," Portia says, still flailing like a duckling in a pond. Wait, that idiotic simile can only be the result of _one_ thing. Crap!

Also, you're right about us not being satisfied. Unsatisfied sexually, mentally and emotionally. We don't care about the last two, right now, so let's just work from the top of that list, okay? Okay. But first, baby, wash your hair and try brushing your teeth or at least having a Tic Tac. They'll do wonders.

"… Whether till the next night she had rather stay, or go to bed now…"

I bet Naminé would be pretty pissed if she heard Roxas say "go to bed now" to another female. Even if he's acting as Gratiano. And the meaning behind his words are completely different. And the female happens to look twelve. Still, I'm sure she'd be a _little_ angry. Whoa. Hold the phone! These are the last lines! Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah–

"Well, while I live I'll fear no other thing so sore as keeping safe Nerissa's ring," Roxas finishes ostentatiously.

The theatre breaks into applause. Now, when I say, "breaks into applause," I mean that the minimal amount of people here start to clap and the crew joins in. Not me, duh. I'm still holding my grudge. You just wait, Roxas.

Plus, I'm just feeling relief that I didn't encounter Riku. Yeah, so I came all the way here to find him and stuff, I get that – but imagine if he was the one to find me first? It'd be all, "Yo, Sora." And I'd be all, "Fuck." 'Cos you know, sometimes at the store and stuff, when you go to buy Oreos and things with your mom and dad because you know they'll just omit the stuff you want/buy the wrong kind, you see someone you don't want to see (that mustn't see you) and you're all, "Don't notice me, don't notice me, don't notice me." Then, suddenly, that person is like, "Hey!" And you go, "Fuck."

Roxas and I call it a "Heyingfuck moment." It's because as soon as you're done swearing under you breath, you turn to them – all friendly like – and go, "Hey!" with this big smile on your face like you weren't condemning them to Hell in whispers five seconds ago.

But, whatever, you get what I'm trying to say, right, Arnold?

Haha! I just though of something:

_Hey Arnold!_

ROFL. GET IT? GET IT? It's funny because–

"What the _weird_?" I rub my arm. "What in God's name was _that_ for?"

"You weren't listening to me," Roxas says, as if this justifies that pinch. Pinching hurts like… like a kick in the face! In fact, I'd rather he tried to kick me in the face – at least I could've ducked or something. Now I'm just going to have this big ass bruise on my upper arm. Bruising sucks. It discolors your skin and everything. Who _wants_ yellow/purplish-blue skin? No one, that's who.

"What do you want, man?"

"The play is over."

"Thanks, Eagle Eye."

"Just get changed, so we can blow this joint," Roxas continues as if I have not spoken (he does this a lot). "We were invited to that mother_freaking_ party, so we need to look passable."

"You mean look good."

"For whom?"

"… Ourselves."

Because being beautiful is about being beautiful for your _self_, not for others!

But it's not like I'm going to say that out loud because a) Francis the Feely might hear me and come over in raptures, agreeing with my every syllable or b) Roxas will falcon punch me and I'll feel bad, because if he does, he will break his hand on my abs. Ownage.

"Whatever. Let's just go, before… we're touched strangely."

"Has he been touching you too?" I feel his pain.

"I thought it was an accident at first," Roxas admits. Aw, Roxas, you softy! Always giving people the benefit of the doubt like they're worth it. "But then…" Shudder.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, we don't have to talk about it."

"But we will have to pick up some _Dettol_ on the way back."

"And antiseptic."

"Why?"

"I dunno, don't those things just fit together? Like cats and old ladies?"

* * *

_8.54 pm, Wednesday (this day has been like, a whole chapter!), hotel room._

* * *

"Did Kairi call?" Roxas asks, toweling his hair. He'd beat me to the room first, so it's only fair that I bolted into the bathroom and locked the door before he could think twice. I mean, was I really going to run up fifty million flights of stairs to beat him to our room? Hell yeah. I just happened to trip over some kid (don't worry, I'm fine). Haha, nah, I'm yanking your chain, I tripped over some kid's Barbie. That slut! Always turning up in the strangest of places and trying to get sexy guys like me to fall for her.

(I deserve a high-five for the above thought.)

I check my phone. "Yeah, once, but I should be the one calling her."

"I already checked with Naminé – they're fine."

"Did you tell Naminé to eat?"

"Oh shit," Roxas mutters, whipping out his phone.

Naminé has this thing. It's kind of weird, I guess, but all five – I mean four – of us are pretty weird, so I'm used to it. She just forgets to eat if someone doesn't tell her to. I've no idea where she got the habit from, but she can go days without eating and will only realize that she has to eat once she has fainted. It drives Roxas insane and makes me wonder how she can forget about food. That's like going, "Oh, yeah, totally forgot to breathe for the last hour – silly me!" It just does _not_ roll like that, guys. You forget to breathe?  
You die.  
You forget to eat?  
You die.  
You do not play an adequate amount of Playstation and/or Nintendo while drinking a lot of alcohol and/or soda and, later on, copulating with your fantastic girlfriend that is totally awesome and smells like strawberries instead of doing homework and/or any other kind of work?  
You die.

I hit speed dial and wait as her phone rings. She set a personal ring tone for me – "Amazed" by Lonestar (I don't know how she hears it playing, seeing as it is all soft and whatnot) – so I know she doesn't have to check her caller ID or anything. She used to get heaps of "private numbers" calling her. But now we learned that if I pick up the phone when these sickos call, they stop pretty quick. Yeah, you perverts, I'm watching you.

(Not really, I don't have time/energy to watch you, but I'm watching Kairi, _that_ is for sure.)

"Hello?"

"Hey," I say, sitting down on the bed. "It's me."

"I knew that, silly."

As stupid as this is going to sound, I smile. I can't help it, okay? It's like a reaction. You know, like when you drink too much, you get a hangover. Or when you're hungry, you wanna eat a massive pizza by yourself. Or when you stab yourself in the chest, you'll kick it. All those things are inevitable. I'm not saying Kairi is alcohol or hunger or a knife, but she sure is addictive. (Those people that call their girlfriends "drugs" are douches. Drugs are fucking bad. How can someone you love be bad for you? Think of a better simile or metaphor, you English Failures!)

(Yeah, I'm talking to you, Edward Sparkling Cullen.)

"How are you?"

I'm not a 'how-are-you-oh-I'm-good-too-thanks' person. I'm a 'sup' person. Because, if I cared how you were, I would ask. Seeing as I _don't_ ask, don't you think it's obvious I don't care? Also, that aforementioned way seems so tedious. 'Sup' is just one word – heck, it's not even a word. It's the condensed form of an _entire_ sentence.

"I'm alright," Kairi yawns. "School is kind of boring without you and Roxas – there's no one in class that gets why the periodic table should dance."

"They're fools, that's why. _Everything_ is better dancing."

She laughs. "And how are you? How's the search going?"

I've not actually told her the details of this trip, mind you. She's just being totally freaking awesome and trusting me. (However, that doesn't mean I feel any less terrible about her not knowing.)

(My conscience is screwing me over.)

(Bastard.)

"It's good, I guess. Roxas got us into this thing, so we can meet Riku – but we had to _act_," I make a face, even though she can't see it. (She can probably visualize it; she knows me well enough.)

"Act?" Kairi repeats. Do my ears deceive me, or does she sound _excited_? "Oh! I wish I was there!"

"Why?"

"To see you act, of course!"

"It's nothing special."

"What was it?"

"Er, Merchant of Venice."

"Sora!" She squeals.

"What?" I ask, feeling a little panicked.

"Shakespeare! God, you must have looked great!" Sigh. "Who did you play? And who did Roxas play?"

"Um, I was Antonio and Roxas was Gratiano."

"Those are pretty big parts – how did Roxas get you in on such short notice?"

I frown. I hadn't asked about that, but I had long since stopped asking Roxas about how he got his jobs done (for fear of the answers I would hear and my life).

"Dunno, you know Roxas."

"Yeah, but I still… I still wish I was with you," Kairi says, sounding distant. "When are you coming home?"

"Probably tomorrow or the day after – once we get this sorted."

Roxas emerges and signals to me. I suppose it means 'let's-get-out-of-here-and-to-that-stupid-party-so-we-can-clear-your-mind-and-go-home.' I can't help but agree with his signal.

"Okay, well… come home soon, okay? I miss you."

"I miss you, too. I have to go – it's time to get this over with. Love you, 'kay?"

"I love you, too. Don't do anything dangerous!"

"I'll try."

Roxas throws me my jacket just as I hang up. I love those unexpected, Ninja-moments in life, when you do something totally awesome by accident (your inner ninja!). Like, once, I was in the shower and I dropped the bar of soap. It bounced off the shower door, hit the edge, ricocheted off, slid down one side of the tub, then the other and somehow landed in my hand. (I was feeling pretty sad that no one was there to see it.) Also, another time, Roxas knocked over my mug and I turned just in time to catch it _and_ keep the contents from spilling. Yeah, you can call it luck, but I call it _skill_, bitches.

Anyway, I manage to catch my jacket _and_, somehow, get my one arm in it. I grin at Roxas. "Skills."

"I have taught you well, disciple," Roxas says, bowing formally to me.

"Whatever, whatever," I say, standing up and pocketing my phone. "Naminé eat yet?"

"Yeah, Kairi's around to keep her from starving," Roxas replies. He looks nonchalant, but I can tell he's worried. I pat him on the back.

"Bro, thanks for doing this."

"That's what friends do, man."

We stand in silence for a moment.

(Men don't go around embracing one another and crying, okay? We're _beastly_.)

"You ready?" Roxas asks after a bit.

"Yeah, might as well get going."

"Wait," Roxas says, as we're about to leave. "Are we preparing for some ass-kicking or are you guys just gonna talk?"

"I don't want to kick Riku's ass," I say thoughtfully. "It's probably gonna be the second one."

"Good, because Naminé bought me this shirt."

* * *

**A/N: **SORRY for the (super) late update (again). I really am. Also, I'm sorry for any mistakes you might see (I haven't double checked, because I'm lazy). So, if you guys see any errors, please drop a line. (: So, Roxas and Sora have finally tracked down Riku... have they? And they're going to see him now - what's going to happen? This fanfiction is fueled by reviews, so thank you to those that have and **please remember to review** if you haven't! (;


	13. Ambivalence

_9.01 pm, Wednesday, outside a club.

* * *

_

"Okay, this is it!"

"Yup."

"We're gonna go in there–"

"Hopefully today, sometime."

"–and get this over with."

"If we're lucky."

"Look, your negativity is not helping."

"Oh, sorry, isn't it? Damn, I really thought I was helping you out there."

"Shut up."

"No, _you_ shut up."

"No, _you_ shut the fuck up."

"So we're cussing now?"

"Yeah, Roxas, I guess we are, you mother fucking genius."

"Thanks, I am pretty smart."

"Die."

"No, _you_ die."

"No, _you_ fuc–"

… Well. Look at us. I know I'm probably buying for time here – like some geeky girl going on her first date or some shit – but I'm probably not helping by taking all my frustration out on Roxas (who is, let's be honest, trying to help a brother out). I mean, why is the door so effin' huge? Do they _want_ it to look intimidating? Sort of, 'LOL DON'T TOUCH ME K THNX BITCH.' Yeah, a door is saying that to me. A _door_. What in the name of Poseidon's tail is going on? (Does Poseidon have a tail? He should. He's a merman after all. … Wait, is he? I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure he is, though. _Percy Jackson_ makes the Greek Gods sound like your regular whores, though. What, they went around just shagging everything that moved, so they had to build a whole freaking CAMP for the half-breeds? If that's true, why hasn't half the world got godly powers?)

"Sora, just go."

"Oh," I say, folding my arms. "Now you're just telling me what I should do – what are we, _married_?"

"I wouldn't be surprised."

That's weird, because I didn't see any lip movement from Roxas. In fact, his mouth was clamped shut. Has he learned ventriloquism? 'Cos that'd be hot shit. He could have a–

… Hold on. Who was the one talking, again?

"R-Riku?"

So, that was unexpected. Unexpected like Brazil losing a soccer match or walking into your dorm to find your roommate masturbating to some old, outdated porn. (How can people fap to old porn? _How_?) I mean, a lot of things go through my mind at this point: horror, shock and, most of all, _wtf_?

Incidentally, that's the first thing I say.

"What the fuck?"

He's not smiling, like he usually is. He's not looking all happy – in this evil, twisted way, that most girls find unbearably attractive? – and messing up my hair (which really pisses me off). He's not even _looking_ at me.

Riku is standing in front of me; hands jabbed into his pockets, face turned away and impassive.

And all I feel is…

Nothing.

I feel nothing at all. No hate, no anger, nothing. I don't want to rip him limb from limb, I don't want to whip out my key (like it'd _magically_ _appear_, anyway) and whack him until he's purple. I don't want to toss him in a fryer and serve him up. What I want is–

"ARE YOU _INSANE_?"

He looks shocked, like he didn't expect me to yell.

(Yeah, well, I didn't either. Be a man and toughen up, you jackass.)

"WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU? YOU JUST LEFT! _LEFT_! WHAT KIND OF BEST FRIEND JUST LEAVES WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE – PARTICULARLY _ME_? HOW FUCKING STUPID _CAN_ YOU BE?"

"Sora–"

Roxas is looking uncomfortable. You know, that uncomfy look you have on your face when your parents are arguing about something and ask your opinion, and you don't know whose side to take because you know you'll pay for it later on, one way or another? Yeah, that kinda look. Except, instead of our fight being all private and in the safety of our own home, we're standing outside a VIP club, drawing, what seems to be, a crowd.

"YOU'RE SUCH A RETARD, DO YOU KNOW THAT? YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST STUCK THE FUCK AROUND BECAUSE I'VE GOTTEN _OVER_ IT – I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, OKAY? IT'S _FINISHED_, IT'S _GONE_ – ITS ASS HAS BEEN KICKED TO PLUTO! YEAH, I WAS ANGRY AT FIRST, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU TOOK SO LONG TO TELL ME AND BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GET _DRUNK_ TO TELL ME? YOU HAD TO GET _DRUNK_? HOW DAMN HARD IS IT FOR YOU TO BE HONEST, YOU–"

Roxas is now edging away quietly, making quiet remarks about how he's "lost his way" and "has no idea what is going on." Riku stands in front of me still looking like he's ran into a gazelle in his bathroom, and doesn't quite know what to do (or how to pee with it watching).

I mean, to be honest, I have no idea what I'm saying. To me, I can just hear this weird roaring noise (am _I_ making that?) and nothing else. I feel like I'm shouting nonsense that doesn't even make sense. Like when you're in pain, and all that comes out of your mouth is a strangled, "Ahhhh! Fu–! Naygdnskwnk! AJKSDHS!"

(Yeah, you heard me.)

"–AND YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN STUCK WITH ARNOLD FOR THE LAST FIVE FUCKING YEARS, IT FEELS, AND HE'S NOT HELPFUL AT ALL! HE JUST LAUGHS AT WHATEVER HAPPENS, I MEAN, WHAT A _PILLOCK_–"

"You mean Roxas."

Roxas is now a good deal away. I can only see his hair sticking up (it's how I identify him) and his hurried lope, as he tries to get away from me as quickly – and stealthily – as possible.

I can't think of anything else to say, now. I mean, I've shouted rather a lot, haven't I? But… I said what I had to. I mean, screamed what I had to. I got it _out_ of me. Whooo, it's no longer there! (Insert air punch.)

"So, you stalked me here to shout at me?"

"I didn't _stalk_ you."

"Oh, my bad, I mean _he_ did," he jerks his head in the direction of my (recently imaginary, evidently) companion. "Thoughtful."

"I didn't just shout–"

"Yes, you did."

"Well, maybe if you LISTENED to the shouting–"

"I did."

"–then maybe you'd understand why I came."

"I don't."

"You _don't_?"

"I don't."

"… God, you are a _dick_, you know that?"  
"I know it's big, but I do have a body attached to it, Sora."

We stand in silence for a while. Usually, I'd have made some sort of cutting remark, and we'd have carried on like that, cracking phallus-related jokes. But this doesn't seem like the time for phallus-related comedy (not that we usually give a damn about appropriate timing). Most of the people have now drifted away (now that my shouting has stopped?) and I start to feel uncomfortable. I mean, what's to stop Riku from killing me right now? For all I know, he could have a blade in his pocket. I don't want to chopped up and scattered across Egypt like Osiris. Well… I know Kairi would piece me back together, but then I'd be green. _Green_! Like Piccolo!

"That's all, then," I shrug.

"Not concerned about my shouting, are you?"

"What do you have to shout about?"

"Oh, I don't know, about how I left because how I felt so fucking guilty? Or how you're like my brother, but picked Kairi over me? Or, maybe, gee, I dunno, how I gave up my schooling career and, therefore, my entire future?"  
"I didn't _make_ you–"

"No, you didn't, I get that, but I sure as hell fucked everything up, anyway."

He looks sullen. It's rare for Riku to shout – he says it's not "sauve" – but when he gets angry, his face simple hardens and his clams up like a female. It's so frocking difficult to even get an iota of emotion out of him, it's like trying to pry open a stuck pickle jar (one that has not been opened for sixteen months, just fyi!) with your bare hands.

"… You can come back," I suggest.

"Now that you've given me _permission_?" He asks, looking poisonous like Voldemort's snake, Nagini. I recoil. (I wish I had the sword of Godric – or even the Sorting Hat!)

"No, I'm just suggesting it – it's your life."

"Well, seeing as it's _my_ life, I'll just do whatever the hell I feel like."

"I'm not stopping you."

Okay, I must say, this is a bit strange. Riku is a forgive-and-forget guy. He won't hold a grudge – unless you do something that must be _so_ jackass-y, it makes you the _king_ of all that is retarded (like break into his house, steal one of his dad's cars, then drive it _into_ his house and torch all the pictures of his mom, while having sex with his latest fling and, to top it off, kill a pony) – and he certainly won't get mad at a lot of stuff. He's always like, "Just let it go, Sora!" and "Who cares, anyway?" I mean, for someone like Riku to get so majorly pissed off, there must be something _eating_ away at him… something he isn't telling.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I can't."

An apology! That is rare! I should probably, like, make him say it again, record it and put it on Youtube. I can bet you every single one of his "girlfriends" will watch it just so they can feel – I dunno – satisfied? Content? A little better about being a whore? Whatever. It'd just get a lot of views, I know that.

"Can't what?"

"Can't come back."

"Why not?"

His expression clams up again. (Damn his female instincts! Just damn them to hell!)

"I've got commitments."

"What kind of commitments?"

"Committed ones."

"_How_ committed?"

"Look, it's not a big deal, okay? Just forget it."

"Forget it?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. "Yeah, I'll just _forget_ that about my best friend, and how I have come all the way to Vegas, after _months_ of searching and inventing an RPS – yeah, I'll just forget that. Forget about Magic Sundae and all the weird shit that is going on at home. It's _gone_ now, like I have fucking amnesia."

"RPS – Riku Positioning System?"

"No, Raphael Pizza Sauce."

"Well, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles do like pizza."

"I don't think they'll like pizza with human on it."

"Maybe it's turtle?"

"Then they'd be cannibals."

"Can we really count them as turtles, though?"

"They _are_ more like humans with shells attached."

"And all the other extras."

"What an awesome idea, though, hey? Mutants that are ninjas _and_ turtle-like."

"Plus they're teenagers – that's the _best_ age."

I sigh and look up. It's a cloudy night. I can't see a lot of stars.

I mean, it's not like I like stars or anything, it's just that… I dunno. As weird as this'll sound, when Kairi, Riku and I were kids, we'd sit around, watching the sun set and the first stars appear. Riku always claimed the first star, but I'd always let Kairi get the second. Usually, she'd share it with me.

"Are you gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?"  
"What's happening, right now."

He looks like he's struggling for a moment, like he wants to say something and he just can't. Sort of like when you know someone has planned a surprise birthday party for you, so you go up to one of the people that's invited – preferably the one that is just an _abysmal_ secret-keeper/liar – and ask them about it. You see their face go through a series of changes – shock (because you found out), worry (because they might tell), determination (to not tell), relenting (because they want to tell), anger (because they're abusing themselves in their heads for being weak), fear (because they think they _are_ weak), realization (because they realize you're still standing there) and, finally, a smooth, glossy look that screams, "FAKE!" (Because they don't know what else to do, now that you've gone and uncovered everything.)

"Nothing's happening," he says, right after he took at least _four_ minutes to go through the above facial expressions.

"You're a terrible liar, sometimes."

"I'm _not_ lying."

"I never said you were lying now," I say, smirking.

Aha, _caught_ you.

"I was… also being general."

"Really? Then how does that make sense, exactly?"

"I meant to say that I never lie."

"That's a lie in itself."

"That's not a lie!"

"You lie all the time."

"Then how can I be a terrible liar?"

"Well, obviously the people you lie to are downright idiotic."

"What about my dad?"

"He just _wants_ to believe what you say, that's called 'believing that ignorance is bliss.'"

"Wow, thanks Dr. Phil!"

"Actually, I prefer 'professor.'"

"Just go, Sora."

I stare at him for a while and he stares straight back at me. For the first time, I take in his appearance. He looks about the same, in his flashy clothing and whatnot, but I notice that he looks a lot paler, like he doesn't see sunlight very often, and that he has bags under his eyes. Plus, his eyes are all red, like he's been in a room full of smokers and drinkers. In short, he kind of looks like he's selling women, for some reason.

(I don't know how I've gotten to this conclusion.)

But, you should know what I mean. Like… you know, those guys look dodgy and tired all the time, like they've got a lot of business going on. I mean, I hope business is good for him (I guess?), but isn't human trafficking and all that crap illegal? I'm pretty sure it is, actually. He shouldn't be doing anything illegal – though he usually smokes pot, but I'm 'kay with that – because that'd totally screw up his chances of having a future – plus his dad would be _so_ pissed. I bet he wouldn't even bail him outta jail or anything.

(_I'd_ probably have to do it.)

(Though, in all reality, nine out of ten times, I'd be sitting in the cell with him.)

A girl emerges out of the club and beckons to Riku. He glances at her then looks back at me.

"Look, I gotta scat."

"Yeah… yeah, sure."

He turns away from me and walks towards the girl. I watch him for a while, contemplating all the things that are going wrong at the moment. It's not like I can force Riku to just come home – because it looks like he's already being forced into doing some other shit, here. By who? And _why_? And, if Riku, of all people, can't get out of this with all the cash and connections he's got, how do _I_ get him out? I make to turn around and start my long search for Roxas (God knows where that bastard ran off to), but something catches my eye. I stand still for a moment, like I've been frozen by some giant fiend from Final Fantasy, and wonder what to do. Go after them and be all, 'Hey, what in the name of Jesus Christ is going on here, you bitches?' – in which event, I'll probably be maimed/killed/etc – or continue on my Roxas-finding-trek and make _him_ plan it. Aw, _marmalade_, how long will it take to find that blonde moron?

Oh, wait, I have a cell phone! Thank all that is Holy and all that isn't, too, for that! Yes, yes, yes!

_You're so stupid, sometimes._

Better than being stupid all the time, like you.

… _You know you've just insulted yourself?_

No, I haven't, because to me, you're sort of like this parasitic lamprey that I can't get off.

I hit speed dial and wait as it rings. I mean, how long can Roxas take to answer his phone? Oh my God, what if he's just left me here and already gone back to Uzbekistan? I'll kill him, if he has! You don't just leave your bros like that! (As I shouted about earlier on, you may remember.)

(If you don't, then you have the attention span and memory of, oh, I don't know, a gnat? So, yeah, you should probably head to the doctor for a CAT scan… and to test your sanity. Like Sheldon Cooper had his tested.)

"Hey, you done?"

"Yeah, but you won't _believe_ who I just saw–"

"Fuck that, guess who _I_ just saw?"

"I want to go first!"

"Let's rock-paper-scissors it!"

I look around.

"You're not here, though."

"Yes, you faggot, just meet me at the hotel."

"But my news is _really_–"

"And you think mine isn't?"

I take a deep breath and tell Roxas before he can protest.

(I would've won rock-paper-scissors, anyway – Roxas is _so_ predictable, _always_ scissors.)

"I saw _Arnold Schwarzenegger_! Amazing, right? I wanted to go up to him, but I figured I'd be killed or some shit – I mean, as cool as it to be killed by Rambo, I don't wanna die, just yet, I have so much to–"

"I just saw Aqua and Seifer."

* * *

**A/N: **It's late and I'm sorry, but you've probably heard it all before. XD So, what is happening here? Sora and Riku finally meet up, but something is amiss? And wtf, Aqua and Seifer? Even I'm confused. XDD Remember to tell me if there are any errors (because I'm lazy like that). Anyway, **thanks** to everyone that has reviewed - I love you! - and to everyone that hasn't: **please remember to review**. :) See you in the next chapter!

* * *

Correction thanks to **icelight11.**


	14. Kenspeckle

_10.06 pm, Wednesday, outside the same damned club._

* * *

Now, I know what you're all thinking: what's better to see, _Arnold Schwarzenegger_ or just crummy old Aqua and Seifer? C'mon, kids, we all know which is better. That's like going up to the ticket booth and having the guy say, "Nickelback or Green Day?" That's like going to Burger King and having to choose between a burger and a low-cal salad. That's like wondering if you should score with the hot, blonde cheerleader or the average-looking girl with horn-rimmed glasses and a speech impediment. Don't be idiots. No one went to Jurassic Park to see the greenery – they went to see the massive, I'm-gonna-fuck-you-up-and-grind-your-bones-between-my-teeth-when-I-see-you _Tyrannosaurus rex_. Okay? Okay.

On a completely unrelated note, the people in those movies are _such_ big pussies, y'know? Come on! If you're gonna go to a park where they have genetically engineered dinosaurs that will probably wanna rip you limb from limb, you don't run away screaming! You whip out your camera and say, "Fuck yeah! Pose, you giant beasts! The lighting is perfect!" (_Such_ a Kodak moment.) I mean, sure, you can sacrifice one or two of your friends so you can get some real good, bloody shots of a velociraptor with its jaws all red and dripping, but preferably friends you don't really like. You know the ones I mean. They kinda just hang out with you 'cos you're too nice to be all, "Hey, dude, can you just leave us alone? Because we kinda really don't like you. 'Kaythanksbye."

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah! (Haha, my bad.)

So, you guys can't blame for being all, "Roxas, that's such shit. Arnie is way better than Aqua and Seifer."

I heard Roxas make some kinda disbelieving noise. How dare that fool doubt me? I am the quintessence of truth! Do I ever lie to you, Arnold? No! No, I do not. Do you know why? It's not because I can't actually _lie_ to you (since you're in my freakin' mind and all), no sir. It's not because I think I might actually be _imagining_ you (and if I am, that is some scary fudging crap and I need to see a doctor ASAP). It's not because–

_Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument?_

Wait, you dimwit, I'm trying to make a point! Anyway… What was my point?

Damn it.

"Look, man, they were saying some cryptic stuff."  
Cryptic stuff? What kind of cryptic stuff? 'Cos, I mean, that's very vague if you ask me. Roxas is talking about cryptic stuff while being cryptic himself. Irony, anyone?

"Be a little bit more specific, Roxas."

"Like, you know!" Insert more annoyed noises. "Stuff like–"

Hold up… Are those annoyed noises or is Roxas getting _laid_? For all I know, he could be banging some chick as he returns a bunch of phone calls. I know people do stuff like that. I saw it on_ How I Met Your Mother_! _HIMYM_ never lies! Never! Plus, wouldn't that be cheating on Namine? Whoa, mamma. Namine is gonna be pissed offff. If I were her I'd be all, no you didn't, bitch! And Roxas would be all, baby, please forgive me! And then Kairi will be all, never forgive him, Namine! He's such a liar he's just gonna cheat on you again! Then, I – Sora – would be all, Kairi, that's just not cool, just 'cos Roxas wanted to ride some foreign–

"–but I couldn't really hear, because they were talking pretty quietly. What do you think of that?"

…

"Of what?"

"Sora, I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Sorry! But, you know, I was imagining what would happen if you ever cheated on Nam, so I kind of went into a–"

"_What_? Why would I ever cheat on her?"

"I don't know! It helps to be prepared, Roxas."

"If you ask me, you're far more likely to cheat."

"Oh, no you didn't, bitch!"

"I'm only being honest."

"You can take your honesty and shove it down your throat, you fag. As if I would ever give up the perfect girl!"

"Hold on there, hombre. As though _Kairi_ is the perfect girl."

"Heck yeah, she is! You think I love her for no reason, Roxas?"

"I'm not saying you love her without reason!"

"You're gay!"

"Your _face_ is gay!"  
"Your _mom_ is gay!"  
"I hate you!"

"I hate you more!"  
(This is as serious as my fights with Roxas get. As you can see, we're not really fighting about anything in particular, because that's just how we roll. The most serious fight we've ever had was over food. I won, duh. Because, really, how do you expect Roxas, of all people, to beat me? Man is a dang scarecrow. A breath of wind can knock him over. Chuck Norris can KO him just by _looking_ at him. … Well, in retrospect, Chuck Norris can KO anyone by just looking at them. And it doesn't even have to be human. Once, Chuck Norris KO'd a shark by just looking at it. Yeah, 'cos Chuck was just hanging out underwater, you know, chillin' and stuff, 'cos he doesn't need oxygen to live. (Preposterous!) Then this shark came along and was all, "I'm gonna eat you! Om nom nom!" And Chuck Norris was all, "LOL PLZ!" and just looked at the shark. Next thing you know, the shark was out cold. Who even knew that sharks could pass out?_ I_ sure as hell didn't.)

"Did you even want to tell me anything worthwhile?"

(The argument is _still_ going on? Whaaat?)

(Wait… Shouldn't I have known that?)

"I was trying to tell you that Aqua and Seifer were talking abot Riku!"

"Yeah! And what did they say?"

(I have no idea why we're shouting. We sound like those old people who shout into phones when they're calling someone because they think it'll help the phone or something. Come on, old people, you screaming into the phone only disturbs the people on the receiving end. Just 'cos they live in Canada and you live in France doesn't mean you have to holler at them.)

(Ain't no holler back, giiirrrrl!)

(You see what I did there?)

Roxas goes quiet. I listen, waiting for him to say something. (Or, you know, for him to finish whatever orgasm he is having with the girl who is _not_ his girlfriend… if there is said girl in the first place.)

"I think we should meet up first. They mentioned some "Organization" or whatever, and we should probably talk about it somewhere private."

Organization? _WTF_?

"Er, sure… At the hotel?'

"Yeah."

He hangs up. I stare at my phone, confused. Was that weird, or was that just me?

* * *

_11.36 __pm__, Wednesday, the hotel room._

* * *

I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling annoyed. It isn't like Roxas to be late. He's always punctual. He's never early, yeah, but he's never ever late. Unlike me. I'm late all the time. In fact, I was pretty surprised when I opened the door to our room and didn't seem him pacing up and down, looking aggrieved. (Roxas has this special, aggrieved look that he reserves for latecomers. That latecomer is usually me, but it's pretty fun to see it being used on others once in a while. … Not that I get to see that often.) I glance at my watch. It's been, like, twenty minutes. What the hell is he doing? Unless… Unless he is actually cheating! And he's having sex with her right now because she must be too damned good to stop jamming on! Oh, for shame, Roxas. (Also, you lucky bastard!) How will I tell Namine? For some reason, I am imagining her weeping into a handkerchief with a black, netted veil covering her eyes. She's even wearing black gloves, for God's sake!

…

Does Namine _kill_ Roxas?

My phone starts to ring. I jump violently. Oh Lord, what the freak is wrong with me? Just gonna be cool. Be cool. Be _cool_, baby. Hm, why do I suddenly feel like singing "Daddy Cool"? There must be something wrong with me. I'm scatter-brained, yeah, but not _this_ scatter-brained. I shake my head and look down at caller ID. Oh, hey! It's Kairi!

"Hey, baby."

"Sora! I've been calling all day, why was your phone off?"

"Was it off?"

"Well, it kept saying I couldn't get through. You alright, sweetie?"

Aww, couldn't you heart just melt? She's not mad, she's just worried. God, if she were here right now, I'd give her such a big kiss… And then slowly slip off her top as my hands slide underneath her shirt. I'd trace my fingers all along her torso and kiss her collarbone softly. And she'd moan into my ear like she always does, whispering my name softly. Then I'd throw her on the bed, rip off her clothes and just drive her home like a–

"Sora?"

Oh shit!

"Sorry, sorry," I laugh awkwardly. "I was just… Thinking. But yeah, I'm fine. How are you?"

"Good, I guess. Still super bored. Do you know how many people have asked me where you guys are?"

"What do you tell them?"

"Lately, I've told them you're in space dismantling a bomb and fighting androids that are trying to take over the world. But the stories kinda vary from time to time. It depends on what kind of mood I'm in."  
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Kairi is certainly the perfect girl.

"Aw, Kairi, I love you."

She giggles. "Namine says I should just tell them to mind their own business." Suddenly, her voice grows serious. "Is Roxas there?"

I glance at my watch again, feeling a little worried now. "Nah, he's not. Why?"  
"Well…" I wait expectantly. What's she not telling me?

"Well what?"

"He hasn't called Nam all day. I mean, he's probably busy, but you know how Roxas and Namine are. She's worried."

You and me both, Namine. But how can I tell my girlfriend that? She'll just tell Namine and then that psycho blonde will lose it. No one knows it, but Namine isn't all sugar and sweetness. She has this dark edge that harbors a deep desire to control as much as she can… And a deep lust, says Roxas. Very deep. _Surprisingly_ deep. But it's in a good way, Roxas reassured me. She just likes to know our whereabouts. So, you know… Be careful. She's a lot craftier than I.

That struck me as ominous, but I dismissed it. Really now, how can Namine be watching us _all_ the time? It's damn near impossible.

… I hope.

"He's fine," I say nonchalantly. "I spoke to him a little while ago. Sure he'll call her later tonight. Maybe he doesn't want me to hear them have phone sex."

"They have phone sex?"

"Probably?"  
"I bet our phone sex would be a lot hotter."

"Damn right, babe."

"Wanna try?"

Oh fuck.

I mean, fuck yeah! I would have wanted to try. Who in their right mind would pass up phone sex with Kairi? Only someone about to have _real_ sex with Kairi, that's who. (In this situation, the 'someone' is me, so keep your greasy mitts off her, you sick vultures. Go prey on some prostitutes.) But I can't right now. I mentally curse Roxas. If he was here by now, our talk would have been over and done with and I could have had delicious phone sex with Kairi. All hot and steamy like fried noodles and chilli sauce.

… I think I'm hungry?

I sigh. "I wish, Kairi. But Roxas and I have some stuff to sort out and I have to go… But I'll call you later tonight and, if you're not tired, maybe–?"

Kairi also sighs. "I miss you."

"Missing me or my body?" I joke.

"_Everything_, Sora. Just everything. Please come home soon, okay?"

"I will, don't worry."

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

I stare down at my phone then chuck it on the bed, feeling more and more frustrated. Sex would have cooled me off, I'm sure. Even if it was just phone sex, it would have cooled me off like a bowl of mint-chip ice cream. Oh Jesus, I'm _starving_. _That's_ my problem! I dial room service and order for two. I just hope Roxas will be home – I mean _back_ – by then.

What the hell is taking him so long?

_Maybe he's giving you a taste of your own medicine._

Nah, Roxas isn't like that. I feel like something is up.

_Like what, Einstein?_

I dunno… Just a feeling.

_You're probably confusing your hunger with your sexual frustration._

I'm not sexually frustrated!

_Yeah? When was the last time you got laid?_

A couple days ago!

_And how was it?_

... Piss off.

_And so are the days of our lives._

I bury my head in a pillow. Unfortunately, this only works when the person you are conversing with is actually real. Arnold, what the hell is wrong with my mind? Is it just here to piss me off? 'Cos it does a stellar job. I mean, really, well done, you asshole. Wait, not _you_ Arnold. You're not an asshole. Though, to be honest, you could help a bro out now and then, y'know? Give me some advice or something? Or, seeing as you're probably omniscient or whatever, tell me where in the Hans Christian Anderson Roxas is?

This reminds of the time Riku got lost at the mall when we were kids. Everyone went looking for him. They were all, "Oh noez! Someone has kidnapped him!" and shit. His dad went totally berserk. It's the only time I've seen him show any real emotion, now that I think of it. Ever since Riku's mom died, he's been like, empty. It's like watching a robot. (Maybe that is why Riku is like this?) Anyway, it turns out all that happened was that Riku had fallen asleep in the arcade behind the Pacman machine. (He was saying, "Waka waka!" in his sleep for ages even after the incident.) So, this is why I'm not making a huge fuss. 'Cos Roxas will turn up. He just _has_ to. It's only been like half an hour, hasn't it? What am I stressing about?

* * *

_12.58 am, Thursday, the hotel room.

* * *

_

One hour and twenty-two minutes. Still not worrying. Still hungry. I ordered some kinda chicken dish – maybe it just takes a long time to prepare?

* * *

_03.03 am, Thursday, the hotel room._

* * *

Two hours and five minutes. Kind of worrying now. Why the hell are these damn chefs taking so long? Are they fucking waiting for a hen to lay an egg and then _raise_ the chicken or something? Retards!

* * *

_04.46 am, Thursday, the hotel room._

* * *

Three hours and thirty-three minuts. Okay… Okay. I must not panic. I must not panic. I. MUST. NOT. PANIC.

AH, FUCK. I'M PANICKING.

WHERE IS ROXAS?

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU–

* * *

_05.46 am, Thursday, the hotel room._

* * *

Four hours. My food – and Roxas – is still not here. I am probably right about the chicken thing. I should have ordered a salad. But, even then, they would have probably waited for the vegetables to grow or whatever. Jesus Christ! What can be taking those chefs – and Roxas – so long?

_Why don't you try calling him, genius?_

Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

_Technically, you did._

Oh, shut up.

As I reach for my phone, I hear a knock on the door. I relax for a moment – then tense up again. Roxas wouldn't knock. He'd just barge in like he always did. (Good friend, good friend. Never complained when he found me jacking off. Which, in my defense, was only once or twice.) I open it, hoping to see my food if I'm not going to see Roxas. I'm _famished_ here, okay? And _hallelujah_! It's my food! I resist the urge to do a victory dance around the room. (This dude will think I'm off my rocker. I mean, his hair is pretty cool and he looks kinda badass for a waiter, but whatever. He'll still think I'm mad.)

"Thanks, man," I say, nodding at him. "What took so long, though?"

He gives me an odd grin. I feel creeped out. What kind of smile is that? He looks like he's the son of Pedobear, Ron Weasley and Satan. (I've added Ron Weasley because of the color of his hair.) "Sorry 'bout that, sir. We just had a few… Hiccups."

"Hiccups?" I stare at his eyes. Are those _tattoos_ on his cheeks? They _must_ be. Unless he draws them on with eyeliner or some crap. (Which would be _very_ weird, might I add.)

He flashes me another smile. It's the same kinda sadistic one as before. I recoil slightly. What in the world is up with this dude? Is he _gay_?

"Yeah, hiccups. Got it memorized?"

* * *

_6.02 am, Thursday, the hotel room._

* * *

It's been freakin' ages now. Eight hours. Roxas is never _this_ late. Even if he was cheating on Nam with some chick, he wouldn't be _this_ late. I glance at my watch again and then out the window. The sun is rising! I haven't slept. Gee, thanks a lot, Roxas. I feel like a parent waiting for his miscreant of a son to come home. You wait, young man, I'm going to give you a good talking to! Also, because I was pretty scared of that weird guy that came in earlier, I didn't eat the food. I just waited a good forty minutes and went down to the restaurant myself. What? Roxas has taught me to be suspicious by nature. (_Another_ thing I can thank him for.) I didn't want to eat something that was delivered six hours late by a guy that looked like his hair was permanently on fire. Mufasa wouldn't eat something Scar 'hunted' and caught for him. Chewbacca would not go to dinner with Darth Vader. (Or, you know, maybe he would? Who knows which way Chewbacca swings?) I ordered some–

Hey, my phone! AND IT'S ROXAS. FINALLY.

I pick up, excited, relieved and a little bit angry.

"Roxa–"

"Kid, all we're saying is that you have to keep your nose out of our business, or we'll cut your head off."

I close my mouth. That's not Roxas' voice. This voice is deep and gravelly. It's actually kind of intimidating. My mind goes into overdrive as it tries to process what's happening.  
"I don't know anything, okay?"

_That_ voice belongs to Roxas. So, he is okay. That's good, that's very good. Now, if only I could find out where he is, 'cos these people do not sound like friends. They sound like a bunch of Death Eaters, actually, about to perform some serious wand work on my best friend–

"Look, I know him. Leave him alone."

Speaking of best friends, that's Riku! _Riku_! What the fu–

"You stay out of this," the gravelly voice commands. I hear some scuffling and it goes quiet again. "Tell us what you know."

"Nothing! I was only here on holiday!"  
I hear low chuckles all around. I can't gauge how many people are there. I only know that there is someone with a gravelly voice, Roxas and Riku.

"Then can you explain why we heard you say something about the Organization?"

The Organization! Roxas mentioned some kinda shit earlier to do with them. Damn it, if only I had paid attention… But he didn't say much, did he? Just that we should meet up to talk about it. Crap! Roxas, can't you give me the slightest of indication as to where you are?

"Yeah, I was talking _about_ organization. Maybe you should spend a little more time listening instead of accusing the innocent of fucking around with this stupid _Organization_ of yours."

I hear a thud and a low moan. I wince. That sounded painful. After a few minutes of low murmuring, another voice speaks. I recognize it at once, because it ties in with an image I have. An image of navy blue hair.

"Roxas, we don't want to hurt you." Her voice is soft and pleading, almost.

Roxas spits. "Yeah? Then can you explain why your friend just punched me?"

"He didn't mean to," Aqua says, her voice slightly annoyed. "We're just… Guarded."

"And we like to keep our secrets," another voice says. I don't recognize this one. ARGH, I AM SO FUCKING ANNOYED. WHAT IS THIS–

"Let me go," Roxas says. His voice is shaky. "I don't know anything, I keep telling you."

"Who were you on the phone with?" Riku suddenly pipes up. "Sora?"

"Who is Sora?" The gravelly voice asks.

I DON'T EVEN–

"No worries." I know that voice! I heard it just a few hours ago! It's… It's _what's-his-name_! The dude with the fire hair! Satan/Ron Weasley/Pedobear! What is _he_ doing there? "That's taken care of."

I hear more scuffling, then low laughter.

"What the fuck did you _do_ to him?"

"Whoa, Riku, calm down. He your special buddy or somethin'?"  
"I will _kill_ you–"

"Boys, calm down." This voice is not familiar to me. It's soft and thoughtful. (It's quite androgynous, so I can't make out if it is a girl or guy. Sucks to him, if it is a guy.) "We'll just have to take him."

"_What_?" Several voices outcry. I hear Riku's voice amongst them. Roxas is still dead silent.

"Roxas, my friend, it looks like you have a choice," Pedobear/Ron Weasley/Satan says cheerfully. I can just imagine Roxas looking up at him. It's the same look he gives people that try to hurt Namine. It's the same look he gives people when they mess with his friends. It's that look of loathing, of hate, of disgust. "Join us, or you'll be forced to kick the bucket, kiddo. Got it memorized?"

The line goes dead.

* * *

**A/N: **I'M SO SO SO SO SORRY. I've been so busy with exams and stuff. Anyway, this was done in a rush, so please correct any errors you find because I have definitely not double checked. XD What is going on? Roxas has disappeared too? And Riku's mystery is getting deeper and deeper? What exactly has got to be memorized? I hope you guys like it thus far. :) Please **remember to review** if you haven't and thank you to those that have! :D


	15. Club Can't Handle Me?

_9.05 pm, Thursday, a suspicious club._

* * *

It occurred to me, at this point, that I should probably tell some adult figure, y'know? Be all, "Look, man, there's a kid that's gonna get his ass kicked by a secret organization that calls themselves 'Organization' or something like that, and is probably being forced to commit heinous crimes." It's the right thing to do, isn't it?

But after some more thought, I realized that it sounded ludicrous. (I'm not even talking about Ludacris, guys, because at least he's a little bit sane – apart from that whole 'I-think-I'll-sing-a-song-with-Justin-Beiber!' thing. This is even more fucked up.) Who would believe me? Adults are so effin' prissy and prim that they can't see the truth even when it's shoved in their face. I mean, don't get me wrong, if I had told my mom and dad, they'd have wanted to help – but what they consider 'helping' is what I consider 'meddling.' You don't add gasoline to a fire, dolts, it just makes it worse! But will they listen? God, no.

So, I figured I'd have to fly solo.

Ride solo.

Whatever it is we teenagers do these days. And it wasn't even the good kind of riding solo, with my shades and everything like Jason Derulo. It's the kind where you're thinking, "Oh my Jesus Christ, please let me live, please let me live. If I die, people will be sad! People will _cry_!"

I'm busy thinking this – let me live, let me live, let me live – as I edge my around Vegas. I must say, it is a very pretty place. All bright lights and big, expensive cars gliding around. Ordinarily, I would have seriously enjoyed the scantily dressed girls (hey, in a relationship you can _look_, but you can't touch) and copious amounts of alcohol everywhere–

I mean, wait. No! I'm only eighteen… I don't drink. Yeah, drinking is bad and stupid. It _tastes_ very good, but it's _not_ very good – did you hear that, you minors?

Anyway, I have a cunning plan!

_Oh, great, Wingus has a plan to save Dingus._

I frown to myself. My mind is not the most helpful of things, as you probably know. Sometimes, on purpose, it will totally screw me over. (This is usually because I've been drinking a lot and am, resultantly, damaging it. So I suppose it _does_ have a good reason.)

Ah, shit! I've had this pounding headache ever since I first decided to go through with my plan. It's like, I dunno, my head senses danger?

_You are such a moron._

'You shut up! Be supportive for once!'

_Supportive? Supportive of _this_? Sora, you can't act to save your ass._

'I can so! Obviously _you_ didn't see me in The Merchant of Venezuela.'

_Of Venice! _VENICE_. And of _course_ I was there. If I had a choice, I'd have severed myself from you a long time ago, hotshot._

'Hey! That's a Transformer! Right? Right?'

Tranformers are so badass. Even the evil ones – the Decepticons. I mean, if I had to change into one thing in the world, it'd definitely be a Transformer. Then I could so have any car I want. Hm… I bet it would be the Veyron. Doesn't it look good? Like a space shuttle! I could _so_ be the first space shuttle Veyron!

Oh, wait, right, right… The plan!

I think it's a relatively simple plan. Roxas has always said that the best plans are the simple ones. And since I am not an assassin like Roxas (I'm just your regular ninja), I've decided to put aside the complex schemes for a bit and try this out.

I'm gonna break into The Organization.

I'm gonna sleaze my way through, using cunning and wit, until I can find Riku and Roxas – then shout at them and call them assholes. Seriously. Who gets kidnapped that easily? Roxas is an assassin! He's supposed to be on the lookout for dangerous enemies and killers at _all_ times. And Riku! That idiot. He's meant to be all sauve and assured – not kowtowing to some shemale!

(I have nothing against transgenders or transexuals, just by the way. If you feel you gotta be whatever gender you gotta be, fine by me. Just don't try to hit on me if you were once a boy – and are now a girl – because that's weird. And Kairi will throttle me. _Then_ what will you do, Arnold?)

I slip into the club I had Riku at earlier. It's pretty foggy – I assume whatever they're smoking has got to be weed, because I'm already feeling lightheaded. A redhead in a low-cut top winks at me. I smile goofily.

_Kairi! And Riku! And Roxas! …And Naminé, I guess._

'Don't add Naminé as an, 'I guess!' Do you _want_ Roxas to neuter you?'

_By 'you,' you mean _you_, right?_

Just at that moment, I spot Vincent. I must say, it's been weird seeing all these people from Uzbekistan here. I withdraw into a nearby booth, my eyes still on him. I hope he doesn't look at me. Some say that Vincent once used a towel to start a car. Some say that he actually sleeps _in_ a fridge. All I know is that he fucking scares me.

Just next to him, I see Yuffie. Well, that makes sense. She's attached to him. I heard that she looked him in the eyes one day – that was the end of her life. Yuffie died a long time ago. Vincent is actually calling on ancient spirits to possess her body so people don't get suspicious.

'Yuffie,' I realize. '_Yuffie_!'

_Why are you 'Yuffie-ing'?_

'Don't you know, you numbskull? I mentioned it right at the beginning of this documentation of my life. Axel was the one that set Yuffie's pants on fire – you know, the whole reason she doesn't glomp people anymore?'

_Amen_.

'Axel is that Ron Weasley/Satan/Pedobear! Jesus, how could I _not_ have seen it sooner? I've really gotta start paying attention to the degenerates in class.'

_You say that like you're not one of them._

Ignoring my mind, I inch a little closer to the two of them. (I'm still not making eye contact with anyone – _especially_ Vincent.) They're standing by the bar, so while it is easy to blend in with the crowd, it's not easy to eavesdrop. I glance around, trying to look detached and unbothered.

"Hey, handsome!" I watch as a young girl – no more than fourteen, I bet – throws herself at me. She's very pretty, I must admit, but I cringe. When I was fourteen, I was busy playing with sticks and pretending I was Goku. I don't even want to think about what this girl has done to get in here.

I pry myself away awkwardly. "You look kind of drunk."

"I _am_ kind of drunk!" She squeals, throwing her drink in the air. I watch it sail away, only to hear a startled, "Ow!" moments later.

I look up again. Vincent and Yuffie appear to be arguing. Damn it, I _have_ to hear what they're saying! How am I supposed to infiltrate this stupid Organization if I don't have any leads? Man, Roxas really hauled some ass to get all the info he has. I must appreciate the effort he put in to stalk and exploit the weaknesses and secrets of others. He's a _saint_.

After much squirming and excuses, I finally rid myself of the underage girl. (Well, in actual fact, the only reason I got her to leave was to promise I'd meet her outside in fifteen minutes. Don't judge me! I just wanted to get her out of the freakin' club. Kids aren't supposed to be in here. Strippers, hookers, those that wish to get revenge on an unfaithful lover and catch an STD, shady businessmen and alcoholics should only be in here!)

I shuffle closer to Yuffie and Vincent. I'm really hoping they don't notice me. The club is pretty packed with people – that smoke is sure getting to my head – but if I'm this close to them, I'm betting they'll realize I'm listening.

I don't have the best eavesdropping skills in the world. One time, I was trying to sneak into school with Riku (so we could put fake blood on the chairs, whiteboards and walls for Halloween) and we overheard Professor Lockhart. My first instinct was to scarper (whose isn't?), but Riku help out his hand and pressed one finger to his lips. I fidgeted next to him, absently playing with a rope.

"–about damned time you gave up!" I didn't recognize this voice. Whoever it was, it definitely wasn't a teacher. It sounded deep and rough – and kind of African-American. (Hey! Look at me using the politically correct term!)

Seriously, those African-Americans are way more badass than any other ethnicity sometimes. Like, when a song comes on, all the white peeps are all, "Oh my God! Oh my _God_! Brittany, this is _so_ my favorite song!" And they say it in high-pitched voices too, like they want our eardrums to explode. Um, not sure about you, but I like my hearing, okay? If I had to lose a sense, it would be smell. 'Cos, you know, it's the least interesting. You can't give up taste because of one thing and one thing only: food. You can't give up hearing because of the wonder that is music. You can't give up the ability to touch because there's no other way to fondle your paramour. And you _definitely_ can't give up seeing because that's just stupid. Oh… Wait. I _love_ to smell Kairi. Strawberries and cream, some flowery shampoo, her breath after she's just kissed me–

Wait! I was making a point! Oh yup, I remember. White peeps are all, "OMG DIZ IS MI SONG, OMG!11!1ONE!1!" and the African-Americans? They just go, "Aw, hell _YEAH_, niggah! This is my _JAM_!" Plus, they get to say "nigger." I wish I could say nigger, but _no_. They get all offended and think you're insulting them, or trying to fit in with their "crew." When I first discovered the word 'nigger,' I did abuse it quite a lot. It's gotta be one of my favorite words ever – and the only time I'm allowed to use it is when I'm dressing up as Ethan Bubblegum Tate of the _Harlem Globetrotters_ for Halloween. My mom was pretty pissed with my fascination with the word – even more so when I saw Seifer and a bunch of his cronies at McDonald's one day, and threw my Happy Meal box at him, shouting, "You be crampin' my turf's style, niggahs!"

I have no idea what it is, but African-Americans are just cool. You know, like, each ethnicity is born with a special trait? Indians can make badass curries, the British like to pretend they're Indian and eat the badass curries, some Australians are jackass racists and like to kill the Indians _and_ their badass curries, etc. Well, African-Americas are born with the automatic ability to be cool. Only they won't say 'cool.' They'll just be all, "Smooth, baby. _Real_ smooth."

Oh, how I wish I could pull that off.

Hold on! I was telling a story! Something about blood? Halloween? The terrible eavesdropping skills, I _remember_!

Anyway, Professor Lockhart was all, "Don't tell me what to do, Barret! This is a matter between him and I!"

"Well, yah can't keep Marlene out of it! An' Denzel! Those kids are sharper than yah think, Tifa!"

"Xemnas _said_ he woul–"

And that's where it all went wrong. The rope I was playing with? Yeah, turned out it wasn't a rope. It was a hosepipe. And me, with my _magnificent_ skills, had managed to turn it on somehow. The water got everywhere – Riku and I were soaked through. We stood in the empty hallway, water still gushing out, spluttering and trying to understand what just happened.

"WHO IS OUT THERE?"

"Show yourself!"

That yelling jerked us back to life. As quick as Road Runner, the pair of us shot down the corridor. We were making for the hole in the fence at the back of the school – it's the easiest way to lose whoever is chasing you. (And, believe me, Riku and I have had _much_ experience with escaping from angry adults.) Since we were both fifteen at the time, neither of us could drive, so we'd ridden there on our bikes. And these weren't your kickass Pokémon bikes that made everything blur around you because you went so fast – these were rusty, about-to-fall-apart-and-cause-serious-damage-to-these-kids kind of bikes.

We managed to make it to the fence and through the little hole in it, but then Riku's shirt got snagged.

"Fuck," he muttered. He just pulled, not caring about the material. A little piece of cloth remained. I reached back for it, but he just grabbed my hand and told me to move my ass. Eventually, we did get away. We ended up in a diner, panting and looking suspicious. Our eyes kept darting to the door, as though we expected Professor Lockhart – and Barret, whoever he was – to somehow realize it was us, using their mystical powers, and foil the entire plan. We'd done a bang-up job, too. We'd covered lots of places in blood and then wrote on the walls with it. For effect, we wrote on the wall just outside the girls' bathroom on the first floor ("The Chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware!") Just to make sure we didn't freak too many people, we added some light humor to it, by sticking 'DUMBLE' signs on every door in the school. Riku estimated that only a third of the school would get it – I guessed even less.

Riku did dispose of the shirt (he threw it into a fire and then go trashed, so he started up a Voodoo chant that scared him more than it scared me, so he had to sleep with his _My Little Pony_ plush. Wait! Don't tell him I said that!), but I've always had an inkling that Professor Lockhart knows just who did it. She hasn't held any private conversations at school to date.

The _point_ is (wow, that took nearly two pages of explanation!) that I suck at eavesdropping. Every time we'd try, I'd always fall into a shopping cart, set off a sprinkler or have a stack of pasta fall on top of me. Maybe these objects just sense my dog-dastardly ways and want to stop me, but it's really friggin' annoying. How am I supposed to know what Roxas, Kairi and Naminé are planning for my birthday if I can't _Snoop Doggy Dog_ without a hitch in my giddy-up?

"Yuffie," Vincent is saying in a low voice. "Be reasonable. We can't just rush in–"

"Why not?" She hissed back. For such a small girl, she really does pack punch. Her glomps _hurt_. "We've waited long enough! It's time they got a taste of their own medicine!"  
Vincent sighs. He looks pained, like Yuffie is a little toddler trying to eat paste and can't understand Vincent when he says, 'No.' I don't blame him. Yuffie seems like the stubborn kind.

"Cloud said–"

"Who cares what Cloud said?" Yuffie says angrily. "They aren't here! They're still at school!"

She raises an interesting point. Why aren't she and Vincent at school, trying to learn things? I narrow my eyes suspiciously. (In hope that I look like that Leonard Da Vinci meme. Not the strutting one, the _other_ one. You know the one I'm talking about!)

"They will be here in a few days," Vincent says calmly. He takes a sip of the drink in front of him. I nearly die of shock. Some say that Vincent has no internal organs – that if you cut him open, all you will find is an empty _Fruit Loops_ box and a continuous tape of _Beavis and Butthead_. "Be patient."  
"I'm sick of being patient," Yuffie says with a pout. "He set my damn pants on fire!"

Vincent smirks, as though this is amusing.

"Are you _laughing_ at me, Vamp?"

His smirk vanishes. "Stop calling me that."

"Excuse me."

I start and turn around. I had forgotten to mind myself while listening to their conversation. The girl blinks at me, a soft smile on her lips. She looks a little older than me – maybe a university student?

"Crescent!"  
She whips around, her brown hair slapping me in the face. But in this totally awesome way, you know?

_You masochist._

"Coming!" She calls back. I wonder if that is her name – Crescent – or if it is a nickname or something. Whatever it is, it sounds like a pretty name. In my semi-drugged state, I find myself flashing a smile at her.

She returns it. "All alone, are we?"  
"Such is the life of a bachelor," I hear myself reply.

"Well," she says, handing the bartender some cash. "Maybe you could join us."

I shrug. "I wish. But I have business to attend to."

"_Lucrecia_!" The voice sounds annoyed now. "Come _on_!"

She takes a few drinks, her eyes sparkling. I try not to be too mesmerized by the fact that an older woman is taking an interest in me. After all, I am pretty damn gorgeous. Before I figured out I liked Kairi, I had dates left, right and center! Not as many as Riku, but that's only because he likes to be occupied with a different girl each night. I'm more low-key, y'dig?

"Take a rain check, then," she says to me. "Until next time."

She sashays away. I stare after her, hoping that my mouth is closed. When I'm with Kairi, most girls see her and give up. I don't blame them – she is God's gift to Earth. But alone, I seem to attract them like I did back in my pre-Kairi days. Ah, so many memories. So many girls. So many white dresses and sprinklers…

_Snap out of it!_ My mind sounds angry. _You're _supposed_ to be watching Vincent and Yuffie._

I shake my head, ignoring the thick smoke, and redirect my attention. They're still bickering, but in a friendly manner that makes me think of Naminé and I. I order a Bloody Mary (the dude didn't even card!) and sip it slowly, trying not to look too conspicuous about watching them.

"When will they get here?" Yuffie asks, fiddling with her Shirley Temple. I guess Vincent doesn't trust her with alcohol. (Which makes perfect sense.)

"The weekend," he replies. "Until then, just try to relax."

She sighs dramatically. I notice that Vincent's eyes are no longer trained on her. Instead, they're watching Lucrecia, who is laughing just a little way away. I notice something soften in his expression.

'Jesus Christ,' I think. 'He's sweet on her!'

_Well, she _is_ a pretty little thing._

I worry that my mind has said this. Usually, it'd be all, "You dick! Think about Kairi!" I decide not to comment on the matter any further, taking a languid drink. My drink is a little on the strong side, but it's much better than this nauseating smoke that's floating around.

Lucrecia must have noticed the eyes all focused on her, because she suddenly turns to me and waves, a bright smile on her face.

I find myself flushing.

Vincent's eyes zero in on me.

'Oh, fuck.'

He taps Yuffie on the arm and murmurs something in her ear. I watch as her eyes land on me, sitting only one barstool away. They narrow cautiously, like she's afraid I might whip out a Pokéball and challenge her to a battle. Or, even worse, attack her with my Lugia. Psshh, as if I'd harm some _defenseless_ girl with my–

"_What are you doing here_?"  
The point of her weapon takes me by surprise. I have _no_ idea where she's whipped that thing out from. I stare at in horror. Should I answer and be sliced? Or should I remain silent and be sliced? (Sushi! Get your fresh sushi! No, ma'am, no human in here!)

Vincent remains cool in his seat, watching me carefully. They've suddenly closed the gap between us. I panic. See? I _told_ you I'm not your go-to guy when you want eavesdropping to be done. That's Roxas. He's the one that can weasel out of anything, not me! I _always_ get discovered.

"Uh–"

"Start talking, Sora," she whispers, her voice deadly.

I totally take back the whole 'defenseless girl' thing. Yuffie looks as if she knows how to use the shuriken she's wielding. The ADD part of me starts to wonder how she got that into the club in the first place – they have metal detectors and everything. And Yuffie is a petite girl, if you catch my drift. There's no way she'd be able to hide that on _her_ person.

"What did you hear?" Vincent asks.

I don't want to look at him, but I have to. I freeze, my body going rigid, when I meet his eyes. A few moments later, nothing has happened (much to my relief). I didn't disintegrate! Oh, the joy!

"Enough," I say evasively.

"What are you even doing here?" Much to my relief, Yuffie's shuriken has vanished. I try to spot it about her, but it really seems to have magically dematerialized. I make a mental note to ask her about it later on.

"Same reason you're here," I say. "Revenge."  
Vincent continues to watch me carefully. "We have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh please," I say with a roll of my eyes. "I was _there_ when he set Yuffie's pants on fire."

Yuffie's expression hardens. I grin internally. Jackpot.

"What do–?"  
"No," Vincent reprimands. "This is not the place _or_ the time."  
She looks a little put-off. Her dark eyes glint aggressively. "Then where?"

Vincent stands up. He casts a furtive look around the club before signaling us. I put down some money for my drink and trudge after him. He glances back at Lucrecia once, but, just as quickly, looks away. I smile to myself, but remember not to say anything for fear that my mind will say something to surprise me again.

I take a deep breath of fresh air. Oh jeez, oxygen, I _love_ you. I hadn't realized just how suffocating clubs could be. But, once you're outside, it's like the world is making out with you.

Yeah, you heard me.

(Or, you know, you read that.)

I follow the pair of them down a lot of alleys and winding routes, still feel a bit suspicious. No offense to these two, but they're kind of the oddest pair around. I know they hang out with the 'cool' kids (i.e., Cloud and The Gang), but the rest of "The Gang" has graduated. Yuffie is the only one still in high school.

(Is it just me, or did _everyone_ think of _Kool and the Gang_? I don't know if Cloud and the rest are composing some R&B, but that would be so fucking awesome. "_Get your back off of the wall_!" Wait… Isn't that Family Force 5? Dammit! I've mixed up my bands! How can I even _begin_ to compare some Christian band to _Kool and The Gang_? I've shamed myself.)

Just outside a hotel, my phone starts to ring. Vincent and Yuffie turn to glare at me. Usually, I would ignore it, but I know it's Kairi calling. (How useful is that personal ringtone thing, eh?) I hold up a hand in a apology and tap 'answer.'

"Hello?"  
"Sora!"

I smile. Yes, yes. I'm whipped, Arnold laughs, Squirtle wears shades – let's move on.

"Hey, baby," I say. Instead of looking annoyed, Yuffie gets a kind of mushy expression on her face. I try not to look at it, because it scares me as much as Vincent's normal face does.

"Where are you?"

"Um." I glance at the two of them. Vincent seems to know what Kairi has asked – he gives a short shake of his head. Yuffie continues to look sappy and frightening, her eyes fixed on me. "I can't say…"

Kairi sighs, but it sounds more frustrated than angry. "We need to find you!"  
"Find me?" I repeat. "What? Why?"

"Sora, we know something is up. Nam hasn't gotten a call from Roxas for the last two days."

"I – he – we–"

"Save it," she says. "We're coming."

"Coming _where_? Coming _here_? _Here_ _here_?"

"Nam already knows what hotel you guys are in," she says simply. I think she is under the impression that I have just advocated her actions with a breezy smile. "We'll see you there in a few hours."

"No! What about school? Who's covering?" I lower my voice. "Kairi, it's dangerous, I don't want you to get–"

"Hurt?" She finishes. "You underestimate me, Sora. What makes you think I _can't_ kick ass?"

"I've never _seen_ you beat someone up before."

"I'm peaceful like that," she says complacently.

I hear Vincent clear his throat.

"Kairi, I have to go," I say hurriedly. "But since you're too stubborn to listen to me about not coming, do me a favor, okay? Stay in that hotel and don't try to come anywhere near our room."

"Why not?" Kairi sounds curious. "Porn? Hookers?"  
"Those would be _way_ easier to deal with," I say. "Just – please?"

"All right," she says reluctantly. I hear some talking in the background. "Nam asks if she can speak to Roxas for a moment."

I cough. "Uh, he's not with me right now. But don't worry, I'll have him call her as soon as–"

"Where's Roxas, Sora?"  
I pale. Naminé is sounding deadlier than usual. I can almost see her foaming at the mouth. In fact, Naminé must have been Medusa in her past life. If she is truly angry and you happen to look her in the eye, you simply freeze up.

And she _will_ attack you.

And your man vegetables _will_ suffer.

And you _will_ cry.

"He's – he's–"

"Damn it!" She says loudly, hitting something hard. I assume it is the horn, because a lot of loud beeping ensues (and a lot of cussing). "What leads have you got?"  
"I'm about to find out," I say. "Naminé… I'm sorry. I didn't think–"

"It's fine," she says abruptly. Her tone is softer when she decides to speak again. "You owe me for this, Sora. If anything happens to–"

"Nothing will happen," I say, my voice strangely fierce. "Nothing will happen."

I'm pretty sure that saying this tempted God. Which is why I turned out to be horribly wrong. Thanks a lot, "_Kami-sama_." And I'm not even talking about Kami from _Dragonball_!

At least _he_ might've cut me some slack.

* * *

**A/N:** I live! Well, kind of. I just _had_ to update because I was watching _Futurama_ and totally got an idea from it. :D As usual, excuse (and please point out) any errors you spot, because I'm pretty high (I'm taking some flu medication, sillies) and haven't checked. Anywho, now the girls are heading towards Vegas (from Uzbekistan!). What will happen? And what the hell does "Cloud and The Gang" have to do with _any_ of this? Looks like you'll have to read to find out. :) **Thanks** to everyone that **reviewed**! And if you haven't... Well, that button will get mighty lonely. It can't press itself, you know.


	16. Oracle of Delphi

_11.33 PM, Thursday, Vincent's Lair._

* * *

"That's why we don't plan to do anything," Vincent says evenly, his back turned to Yuffie and I. "We can't do anything without Cloud and the others. Not yet, at least."

Next to me, Yuffie lets out a long sigh. "When I first saw them, I was all for setting their hair on fire. See how _they_ like it."

I rub my forehead. For the last few hours, Vincent has been getting whatever I know out of me, and filling me in on some finer details. I get the feeling he hasn't told me everything, but I guess I can kinda see why. I mean, if some outrageously good-looking guy came along asking to help out in your plot to destroy some secret organization, what the hell would you think?

'_Organization 13_,' I think with a snort. 'What a stupid fucking name. Do they think the "_13_" makes them badass or something?'

_Gee, Sora, I dunno_, my mind replies tartly. _What kinda experiences have _you_ had with that number?_

I frown to myself. I've never really had any true horror-worthy stories because of the number 13. It's Riku that's the scaredy-cat when it comes to superstitions – we can't walk under ladders, can't have black cats, can't break mirrors, etc, etc. Once, we took him to a fortune-teller (Delphi, I think she called herself) just for fun… And, well, it turned out to be not-so-fun, because she spurred the whole idea of being superstitious. She was all, "You will suffer soon, young one! A great omen befalls you!"

And we were all, "What the fuck?"

Oh, sorry. We didn't swear. We were actually like:

"Why the face?"

And the lady got very serious, waving her talons all over her glass ball and smoke machines. "Your mother… Your mother sends a warning from beyond!"

And, okay, _that_ may have freaked us out a _little_, but Riku's dad is a fat cat – tons of people know him, so tons of people know about his wife's death. I'm betting all that lady did was pick up a newspaper just a few months earlier and read about it.

…

Bitch.

But Riku was totally hooked the moment his mom was thrown into it all. He listened to her every word. And Delphi gave a _long_ speech. She threw in so many details I felt my eyes rolling back into my head. I can't even remember all of it, now. (It's been three years, okay, Arnold? Keep those judgmental eyebrows _down_, boy.) But she just kept talking and _talking_. I was on the verge of shoving that ball down her throat (probably one of the many kinds that ended up in there – _booyah, _baby!), when she reached out and grabbed Riku and I. Riku let out a high-pitched squeak.

"Your friendship! It is at risk! It will be put through a great test, young ones! A great test!"

But I was thinking, 'Like… A Math test? Or what?'

And Roxas must have been reading my mind, because he nudged my side and whispered, "Dude! We have a Math test on Friday!"

Seriously, teachers, why do you do that? _Tests_? On a _Friday_? What kind of jackassery is that? You guys are not cool when you do that. Y'hear? Not. Cool.

The lady glared at him before turning back to us, trying to resume her creepy expression. "You must choose, Sora. Choose between you're the two greatest loves of your life. A friend or a lover? To forgive or to forget?"

I stared at her.

"And you!" Delphi pointed dramatically at Riku. "Will you betray him? Will you betray the greatest companion in all your life?"

I swear Riku was pissing his pants.

"And you!" She pointed at Roxas this time. He just gave her a very dry look. The lady waved a hand. "I have nothing to say to you, actually."

"Hey!" Roxas sounded offended.

We decided to kick down, after that. Who wanted to be around a creepy old lady that claimed we would fall apart as friends? So we left the self-proclaimed oracle's musty trailer, glad to be in the fresh air, and tried to get Riku to stop shaking in his boots. Really, how seriously could he take some high old woman? _Obviously_ she was smoking some _fine_ weed. Just before we could leave, she grabbed the hem of Riku's shirt, her face grave.

"Remember my words, son."

"Riku," I said impatiently. "Let's go, man."

"Wh-What words?" He squeaked.

"Separated but not lost at first,  
lady, lover, friend – an age-old curse.  
Guilt-ridden and vulnerable,  
the darkest cobalt will spur your troubles.  
Rescue is not far off,  
once you're revealed as what you're not.  
Two shall cross the great divide,  
three shall choose to no longer hide.  
O betrayer, repent for your sins!  
Do not sacrifice friendship so darkness may win."

After that stirring speech, there was a heavy silence. I didn't really know what the fuck that woman was on about. Betrayal? Curses? Darkness? What kind of game did she think she was playing?

(Sounds like some very cool Playstation game, if you ask me. What did she do, pre-order?)

"Okay," I said finally. "I think we've heard enough."

Delphi raised her drawn-on eyebrows at me. "Don't you wish to hear your prophecy, young one?"

I snapped at that point, forcefully pulling Riku away from the old bat. Seriously, man, how demented can a person be? It's one thing to go around and suffer from dementia, but it's another thing entirely to go around trying to convince sane people that _you're_ sane _and_ that you can predict their futures. That's like a really, really fat person pretending they're skinny. _Yes_, you have a lot of boob. But, honey, it's really just because of how fat you are. Stop acting like you're the sexiest thing on the planet.

(Because that's me, baby. Shazam!)

"Forget it!" I said angrily, shoving Riku away. "I'm not in the mood for lies, tonight, okay?"

"A lie? This is not a lie! _I_ am the _Oracle_–"

"Of the fucking Liars, that's what," I finished, slamming the door. Thankfully, she didn't hear me. I didn't want her to pick up those pot plants next to her and start flinging them at us. That car belonged to Riku's dad and it was new – he'd get into so much shit for getting even a scratch on it.

Especially because we were all fifteen and meant to be on our bikes. But we were like, "Screw that!"

Yeah, what rebels.

The only real time I've done any checking up on any oracles and stuff is when I was reading _Percy Jackson_. And, at the time, I was like, "Dude! How cool would it to get a prophecy?" But not _that _kind. You know, when you're _not_ the son of Poseidon or Hades or whoever. I'm pretty badass, but I can't control water or summon the dead, okay? I can _try_… but I don't want to end up in that mental hospital again. (How mad are those people Riku and I hoodwinked gonna be?) And, okay, if you're a wizard – even a half-blood – then it'd be all good, my friend. We could be all, "Neither can live while the other survives!" and slay trolls and play Quidditch. That'd be pretty awesome, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think so too.

"Why are their headquarters in _Vegas_?" I ask suddenly. Don't get me wrong – Vegas is kinda fly. But it's only fly if you're a hooker or if you're here to go on a wacky bachelor party trip. It's not somewhere you wanna live _permanently_. That's like saying you wanna live your whole life bungee-jumping. Yes, it _is_ fun when you do it once in a while. No, it's _not_ fun if you're going to be doing it constantly.

Vincent shrugs. "Corruption, I would assume. All that gambling and alcohol."

"They don't even _think_ about their livers!" Yuffie says earnestly. In the background, Vincent rolls his eyes. Some say that Vincent doesn't _have_ eyes – that they're just holograms that are being projected from inside his head.

"What do you have to do with any of this?" Vincent asks, staring out the window. I wonder if he's thinking about that sweet little thing at the club. What's her name? Something with an L! Laura… Lily… Lol?

I sigh. "Riku's gotten mixed up with those idiots. Then Roxas somehow ended up in it, too. It's kinda my job to bail them out."

Yuffie and Vincent stare at me. I try not to feel uncomfortable, but it's difficult. I know I'm good-looking, but _please_, guys. I clear my throat, shifting in my seat. They're still staring at me. It's like that time when I was a kid model – I totally ended up drinking too much Coke before the show, so once I got on the runway, I ripped off all my clothes and tried to swing from the runway to the audience using one of the paper mâche streamers hanging from above. It didn't work out very well.

"Uh?"

"Sorry," Yuffie says with a laugh. "I thought you just said you want to bail them out! How ridiculous, right?"

"Not _really_," I say slowly. "That _is_ what I said."

Vincent rounds on me. "Are you fucking crazy?"

Does he _really_ want me to answer that?

"Why?"

"You can't just _bail_ people out!" Yuffie says, her arms flapping all over the place.

What is it with people who need to express themselves with hand gestures? I'm not ragging on them, because I am totally one of those people. Even on the phone, man. It's a weird habit, but I kinda _have_ to move around when I'm talking. Imagine if I end up as a pilot and am talking to my co-pilot while flying a plane, one day. Whoa, that'd be bad. I should mentally cross 'pilot' off my list of Things I Would Like To Be When I Grow Up.

I shouldn't say "grow up," should I? I don't think I'm ever gonna. I mean, yeah, I will physically do so, but emotional maturity and I… we keep our distance from each other. Except when I'm confronted with Kairi. Or rescusing my two best friends from some retarded club called Organization 13. Then emotional maturity comes running at – slow motion – through a field of flowers, as a dramatic song swells in the background.

"Once you're in, there's only one way to get out," Vincent says grimly. "Death."

* * *

_11.56 PM, Thursday, on the way to Kairi's hotel_.

* * *

If you ask me, that whole "the-only-way-to-get-out-is-death" thing was a little dramatic. It felt like I was in a complicated fanfiction on the internet for a moment. I mean, even _more_ complicated than whatever Playstation game that I originated from, that my long-suffering fans had to wait many years for as the creators released pointless filler games on other gaming consoles.

After that, Vincent and Yuffie sent me home, telling me to keep my mouth shut, threatening me with death, informing me that they would invite me over for dinner when Cloud and Company finally arrived, etc.

So I am slouching my way to wherever Kairi's lodging, ignoring all the bright lights and the strong smell of alcohol. It's like Vegas is the giant person that uses too much cologne on its first date – only this cologne is like… Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan. And Absolut Vodka. And, I suppose, the smell of sex. But that differs for everyone, doesn't it? Oh yeah, don't forget the smell of tobacco. How could I let _that_ one slip by me?

Being in Vegas is not that fun without Roxas.

Sure, my girlfriend and her best friend are here, but Vegas is meant for single people or just bros. Not couples. If you're here and you're a couple you're either:  
1. Eloping.  
2. Of the same sex.  
3. Very new to the relationship, so you've come to Vegas to grow more "comfortable" with each other, only to end up married the following morning.  
4. Foreign. (Like me. From Uzbekistan.)  
5. Wanting to commit adultery and "one up" the other spouse/lover.

Ah, I've composed a If You're In Vegas and Are A Couple list! Why is that lists have such a calming effect on me?

I stop just outside Kairi's hotel. Naminé is in there. Kairi is in there. They're waiting for me.

… Fuck.

How do I explain this?

* * *

_1.14 PM, Friday, my hotel._

* * *

Well, that went better than expected.

At first, when I told them most of the stuff (Vincent swore me to secrecy, remember? If I said it all, my head would be on a plate. I'm not Bruno Mars! I don't want that crazy shit happening to me, okay?), there was some quiet crying and stuff. Then I told them that I'm taking care of it, to which Naminé and Kairi both gave me very weird looks. And I was like, "You don't trust me?" And they were all, "You ditched us and came to Vegas." How unfair was _that_? True, I _did_ leave them behind and come to a city full of sex, drugs and alcohol… but it was to _save_ someone! But then Kairi smoothed it over (aw, my baby), and asked what she could do help – Naminé hopped on that bandwagon pretty quick.

"Wait," I said, holding up a hand. "You can't help."

Kairi raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me what I _can_ and _cannot_ do?"

"No," I replied. Then I had to wait a moment to think about how to phrase the next sentence so it didn't sound like exactly what she said – which was the truth. "I just don't want you girls to get hurt."

"It's because we're girls, isn't it?" Naminé spat, her eyes all red. "Admit it, Sora, you jerk!"

"If you get hurt, Roxas will kill me," I said stubbornly. I turn to Kairi. "And if _you_ get hurt, _I'll_ kill me. I don't have no Disney ending to help you girls out."

Thus ensued one of the longest fights I've ever been in. Not a physical one, no. Just a verbal one. (Though Naminé _did_ end up throwing a vase out of the window, and Kairi _did_ end up stomping on a bunch of pillows.) We weren't fighting about whether they were allowed to help or not.

We were fighting about Disney.

"You take that back!" Naminé screamed. "SLEEPING BEAUTY WAS _FANTASTIC_!"

"She did _fuck all_ in that entire move!" I shouted back. "She sang with some squirrels and then _fainted_!"

"The purpose of the movie was the kiss!" She yelled.

"Disney _totally_ twisted it!" Kairi added. "She ends up getting _raped_ by the prince in the original–"

"And _that's_ supposed to make it a _good_ _fairytale_?"

This went on for a while. We argued about every Disney thing in the world – from Beauty and the Beast, to the little key chains with Mickey Mouse on them. I don't know why we were arguing. I bet it's because we were all scared, because we were a bunch of teenagers who somehow plunged into a really, really weird mystery. It felt like we were all in Mystery Inc., except there was no Scooby-Doo… and Mystery Inc. never dealt with drugs, Vegas or death.

(I should hope.)

Eventually, we ran out of steam. Naminé was curled up in one of the beds, her face white, and Kairi was sitting on the edge of a coffee table.

"See? Donald _could_ have kicked ass – he had that feistiness about him," I said triumphantly. "Which is _precisely_ why Roxas liked him."

Naminé inhaled sharply.

"I'll find him," I said instantly. "Believe me."

"I know," she said, her voice unsteady. "I'm not only scared for him, Sora."

So, a few hours later, I have ended up back at the hotel room… with Kairi. In my bed.

FUCK YEAH.

She totally tried to stay with Naminé, but Naminé kept insisting that she wanted to be alone, saying she just needed to get some rest and stew by herself. And Kairi put up a fight. She's totally "bros before hos." (I'm kind of proud of that.) At one point, they even had a hurried conversation, all held in whispers, that I couldn't hear. (I didn't really give a damn at that point, so worn was I from the Great Disney Battle.) But, after a lot of persuading, Kairi came with me. As soon as we entered the room, she called Naminé to check in on her. Then, when it was confirmed that all was well, she attacked.

Well, not _attacked_. It was kind of like:

"Is Naminé okay?" I asked.

"She's okay," she said.

"Good, 'cos–"

Only I couldn't reply, because she was busy kissing me. And, let me tell you, kissing her after all that time felt _good_.

And, because I had seen Riku and cleared whatever was on my conscience, I could successfully "bring the harvest home."

(Thanks, Roxas. I miss you, bro.)

So now, we're just lying in bed… naked. Taking a break before we go again.

Yeah, you read that right.

And, damn, it feels _fantastic_. It's _good_ to be the king.

"Sora?"

"Mm?"

I must say, I'm surprised her voice is still the same. She was calling my name pretty loudly. I tend to do that to the ladies – leave them speechless, you know?

I'm _such_ a stud muffin.

"I was thinking about Roxas and Riku."

"That's 'kay, baby, I was thinking about Leighton Meester."

"That's not what I meant!" She slaps my arm lightly. "I just want to know… if they'll be okay?"  
I'm quiet for a while. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know how much I can do to save them – all I know is that I have to do my best. I can't just sit back and watch my best friends ruin their lives. That's like watching fungi grow on a perfectly good cake. You want to eat the cake, not watch it waste away. And I, my friends, want to _eat_ Roxas and Riku, not watch them–

… Wait.

This metaphor isn't working well.

"I hope they will," I finally say. "I'm gonna try, Kai."

"I know," she says. "But I _wish_ you'd let Naminé and I help."

I sigh. Not _this_ again.

"Naminé learns a lot of stuff from Roxas, you know." Kairi seems to be trying to persuade me. Her hand is moving downwards at a steady rate. "And she teaches it to me."

Why did that come off as sexual?

"Uh," I say, my eyes on her hand.

"Please," she says, kissing my neck. "_Please_, Sora."

Kairi's hand: target _acquired_.

I groan at once. She's an evil little vixen, this one. She knows exactly what to do to get me to go along with what she wants. And she's kissing me, so it's not like I can push her away and disagree. Which straight guy is gonna say no to a beautiful girl that's in the middle of giving you a hand job?

One that's _not_ straight, that's who.

"Sora, we'll be useful, honestly," she says into my ear. "We won't do anything stupid, I promise."

I don't hear any of that.

All that fills my ears is her voice. Not the words – just the _sound_ of her voice. My eyes may be open, but that's not helping me. Kairi will probably persuade me _visually_ if she fails to do so physically.

And, with me, she can _never_ fail physically.

"Fuck, Kairi."

Am I swearing because I know what she is doing to me, or because I simply like what she is doing to me? Probably a combination of the both. I'm not really thinking, so I dunno.

Don't look so judgmental, Arnold. _You're_ the peeping Tom here! What's wrong with you? Watching my girlfriend and I make sweet, sweet love. It probably turns you on, doesn't it?

You _disgust_ me.

Just kidding, I still love you.

"Sora, _please_."

And, so close to everything, with that hot bod of hers against mine, I _can't_ deny her. I feel my lips moving as I speak the one word that ends up changing everything:

"Fine."

* * *

_3 AM, Tuesday, Organization 13's HQ._

* * *

…

What the _hell_ have I done?

* * *

**A/N:** Okay. Well. Wow. Right? xD Sorry for the late update, etc, etc. And **thank you** guys for the awesome reviews! :) What _has_ Sora done, guys? Tut tut! Anyway, I got a bit sick of leaving Kairi and Naminé out (in Uzbekistan), so I decided to make them more active in this story. Sorry that the sex scenes are so lacking (?) – but I imagine that males do not care to describe copulation in the same manner as females. I'm not sure about that, so correct me if I'm wrong. :P Let me know what you think? Please remember to leave your thoughts in the **review** box. ;)  
(Sorry for any errors you see. I'm so lazy. OTL)


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